sleepytime5
I'm trying, really
- Jul 13, 2026
- 66
Hello, this is mostly a vent and me wanting to be heard, but advice would be really appreciated. The truth is deep down I want to recover and I want to be like them, you know who I mean, those people that take care of their mental health by going on walks or therapy in bad cases, those people who are alright and are scared of death.
The other truth is everything and the way I function is just a big cope and attempt to ease my very big anxiety. I was a pretty hard working powerful person in my opinion, I overcame bullying and abuse, a bunch of trauma, studied well. Back then I never saw mental health hitting me this hard, my biggest problem was being very sensitive to criticism and negativity, till today whenever I get it I just burst out crying and getting aggressive, I'm trying to mask it but any amount of negativity towards me feels like being cut. Despite me working for my life all I got was a lousy eating disorder in March, OCD flare up, even tho I always had OCD, I had POCD when I was 17, and every time I would even attempt a relationship, OCD would try and convince me either they are using me or will cheat on me, or that I will actually find someone better, fucked I know. When it latched onto food it was pretty damn bad, but nothing I couldn't deal with it right. Wrong, I had no idea I even had bipolar tendencies, I thought everyone has a month that's randomly good/productive (since for. me mania is more about productivity then euphoria) and months where they can't shower or brush their teeth for the life of them. Then when my first mixed episode came I got hit with severe insomnia, that sorted itself out but it was followed by psychosis, it was bad, very bad, at first it was positive delusion, I am God yada yada then manifestation came and that doesn't mix well with OCD, so I thought since I have negative thoughts all my fears would come true, then intrusive imagery with me being tortured, sa'd, forced to k*ll family members, and so much worse shit came, convinced ofc that will happen just because I thought about it. I tried offing myself by jumping, but then an intrusive thought came that I'll go to hell if I do that and that there is no escape, that it was all a play by the real god to punish me (satan) by erasing my memories about the evil I've done to be able to truly torture me.
After starting lexapro and abilify treatment I snapped out of it, abilify however gave me severe akathisia, so I quit it, then came a manic episode, it did feel somewhat nice, although I did a lot of shit, I threatened my sister with suicide on the street, planned running away from home, had a lot of homicidal thoughts and so on, eventually I was on the brink of psychosis again when it all ended and a depressive crash came. It hurt, it really did, my body was hurting, it wasn't just sadness it was pain and that's all I can say, breathing and existing felt wrong. So I was planning again.
Now I am here, stable currently, freshly diagnosed, sitting and wondering if I can ever recover again. With OCD it's so impossible, because now it has all the material needed to convince me that any effort I do id futile, that it will all end up like that again, that I am ill beyond repair and so on. That I am a bad person because of my NPD and stuff I did in manic episodes. So I am suicidal to try and get some silence, because the things it's terrorising me with don't matter if I am dead, and also another depressive episode is guaranteed, the same pain and hopelessness.
Still there is something in me really wanting to get over this, to think of my ideation as something in the past, seeing myself stable on medication learning to embrace the uncertainty of life, I hope so, so far I at least want someone to look at me and truly see the psychological clusterfuck I am without being scared, and actually liking and appreciating me for it, and the way my brain works and tries to get over the civil war going on there. I really hope that will be the case, it's all I live for, because with constant anxiety and ocasional depression on top, it never feels right.
The other truth is everything and the way I function is just a big cope and attempt to ease my very big anxiety. I was a pretty hard working powerful person in my opinion, I overcame bullying and abuse, a bunch of trauma, studied well. Back then I never saw mental health hitting me this hard, my biggest problem was being very sensitive to criticism and negativity, till today whenever I get it I just burst out crying and getting aggressive, I'm trying to mask it but any amount of negativity towards me feels like being cut. Despite me working for my life all I got was a lousy eating disorder in March, OCD flare up, even tho I always had OCD, I had POCD when I was 17, and every time I would even attempt a relationship, OCD would try and convince me either they are using me or will cheat on me, or that I will actually find someone better, fucked I know. When it latched onto food it was pretty damn bad, but nothing I couldn't deal with it right. Wrong, I had no idea I even had bipolar tendencies, I thought everyone has a month that's randomly good/productive (since for. me mania is more about productivity then euphoria) and months where they can't shower or brush their teeth for the life of them. Then when my first mixed episode came I got hit with severe insomnia, that sorted itself out but it was followed by psychosis, it was bad, very bad, at first it was positive delusion, I am God yada yada then manifestation came and that doesn't mix well with OCD, so I thought since I have negative thoughts all my fears would come true, then intrusive imagery with me being tortured, sa'd, forced to k*ll family members, and so much worse shit came, convinced ofc that will happen just because I thought about it. I tried offing myself by jumping, but then an intrusive thought came that I'll go to hell if I do that and that there is no escape, that it was all a play by the real god to punish me (satan) by erasing my memories about the evil I've done to be able to truly torture me.
After starting lexapro and abilify treatment I snapped out of it, abilify however gave me severe akathisia, so I quit it, then came a manic episode, it did feel somewhat nice, although I did a lot of shit, I threatened my sister with suicide on the street, planned running away from home, had a lot of homicidal thoughts and so on, eventually I was on the brink of psychosis again when it all ended and a depressive crash came. It hurt, it really did, my body was hurting, it wasn't just sadness it was pain and that's all I can say, breathing and existing felt wrong. So I was planning again.
Now I am here, stable currently, freshly diagnosed, sitting and wondering if I can ever recover again. With OCD it's so impossible, because now it has all the material needed to convince me that any effort I do id futile, that it will all end up like that again, that I am ill beyond repair and so on. That I am a bad person because of my NPD and stuff I did in manic episodes. So I am suicidal to try and get some silence, because the things it's terrorising me with don't matter if I am dead, and also another depressive episode is guaranteed, the same pain and hopelessness.
Still there is something in me really wanting to get over this, to think of my ideation as something in the past, seeing myself stable on medication learning to embrace the uncertainty of life, I hope so, so far I at least want someone to look at me and truly see the psychological clusterfuck I am without being scared, and actually liking and appreciating me for it, and the way my brain works and tries to get over the civil war going on there. I really hope that will be the case, it's all I live for, because with constant anxiety and ocasional depression on top, it never feels right.
