Virsus
Member
- Sep 7, 2024
- 20
Hello, I live in a Russian-speaking country, and I am not able to express myself clearly in English, so I use a translator, so I apologize in advance if there are any mistakes.
I have long begun to notice persistent thoughts in myself that I don't understand why I need to get better. For many years, more than 13 years, I have been trying to fight my condition, and gradually I came to the conclusion that my brain (or I myself, for me it is not entirely correct to separate the brain and myself), acquired a persistent thought that it is simply impossible to recover,
or so difficult that it approaches the impossible. Because of this, making any attempts to at least alleviate your condition is becoming more and more difficult.
I don't see a "goal" for which I want to get better; to be honest, I can't even imagine a "healthy" life. I've been feeling disconnected from the world for a long time now, the feeling of derealization haunts me constantly, no matter what I do, but even this I'm already used to. I don't remember life without a state of depression, eternal fatigue, a feeling of detachment from the world, I don't remember what it's like to "get enough sleep", almost every dream I have is a terrible state, not rest. My sleep is extremely sensitive,
Any slightly loud noise causes me to wake up with my heart beating wildly, while I am instantly, as if I had not slept, aware of what is happening around me, it can be described as - "Always ready to fight", and this I am sure drains me greatly.
Any communication with people has not aroused any interest in me for a long time, and in general, little arouses,
only fatigue and a mostly faint feeling of anxiety and a desire to quickly hide from human eyes. I'm so tired that I don't even imitate emotions anymore - it's pointless and drains my modest strength.
I have a persistent thought, and it seems that I am beginning to believe in it more and more - I am not able to recover, I only have two options:
1. I continue to decompose as a person, I am increasingly moving away from the world and perhaps sooner or later I will start taking prohibited substances, just to start feeling at least something "good", so to speak in the context of prohibited substances.
2. Stop suffering and leave forever.
At the same time, I don't consider death to be a solution, even in this case, death is not a way to solve my problems, it's just a way not to feel anything at all (I'm dead). It seems to me that even this will be better than living the way I live.
I feel like I've reached a dead end. I fundamentally cannot imagine what even the slightest desire to live could give me. Money, family, property and everything connected with it simply has no value for now. I work at the simplest job, which does not require any special stress from me, but even here I feel defective and hate myself every day. Even if you imagine that I will receive a round sum of money every month, this will only delay my "departure", but the desire to live to old age will not give me.
I tried to explain how I felt as much as I could, I just want to get advice on how to cope with the feeling that nothing will save me, how to cope with the belief that I don't need treatment, and the only option is to leave. I want to live like the people I see around me. I realize
that their life is not easy either, but then I don't understand why they choose to live, and are really afraid of death and illness, but I just crave not waking up in the morning.
Of course I checked a lot of medications, went to a lot of doctors, checked my body. Now I am being treated by what seems to me to be a pretty good psychiatrist, but I'm afraid even she won't be able to help me.
Let me bring you the final question: what to do with this belief?
I have long begun to notice persistent thoughts in myself that I don't understand why I need to get better. For many years, more than 13 years, I have been trying to fight my condition, and gradually I came to the conclusion that my brain (or I myself, for me it is not entirely correct to separate the brain and myself), acquired a persistent thought that it is simply impossible to recover,
or so difficult that it approaches the impossible. Because of this, making any attempts to at least alleviate your condition is becoming more and more difficult.
I don't see a "goal" for which I want to get better; to be honest, I can't even imagine a "healthy" life. I've been feeling disconnected from the world for a long time now, the feeling of derealization haunts me constantly, no matter what I do, but even this I'm already used to. I don't remember life without a state of depression, eternal fatigue, a feeling of detachment from the world, I don't remember what it's like to "get enough sleep", almost every dream I have is a terrible state, not rest. My sleep is extremely sensitive,
Any slightly loud noise causes me to wake up with my heart beating wildly, while I am instantly, as if I had not slept, aware of what is happening around me, it can be described as - "Always ready to fight", and this I am sure drains me greatly.
Any communication with people has not aroused any interest in me for a long time, and in general, little arouses,
only fatigue and a mostly faint feeling of anxiety and a desire to quickly hide from human eyes. I'm so tired that I don't even imitate emotions anymore - it's pointless and drains my modest strength.
I have a persistent thought, and it seems that I am beginning to believe in it more and more - I am not able to recover, I only have two options:
1. I continue to decompose as a person, I am increasingly moving away from the world and perhaps sooner or later I will start taking prohibited substances, just to start feeling at least something "good", so to speak in the context of prohibited substances.
2. Stop suffering and leave forever.
At the same time, I don't consider death to be a solution, even in this case, death is not a way to solve my problems, it's just a way not to feel anything at all (I'm dead). It seems to me that even this will be better than living the way I live.
I feel like I've reached a dead end. I fundamentally cannot imagine what even the slightest desire to live could give me. Money, family, property and everything connected with it simply has no value for now. I work at the simplest job, which does not require any special stress from me, but even here I feel defective and hate myself every day. Even if you imagine that I will receive a round sum of money every month, this will only delay my "departure", but the desire to live to old age will not give me.
I tried to explain how I felt as much as I could, I just want to get advice on how to cope with the feeling that nothing will save me, how to cope with the belief that I don't need treatment, and the only option is to leave. I want to live like the people I see around me. I realize
that their life is not easy either, but then I don't understand why they choose to live, and are really afraid of death and illness, but I just crave not waking up in the morning.
Of course I checked a lot of medications, went to a lot of doctors, checked my body. Now I am being treated by what seems to me to be a pretty good psychiatrist, but I'm afraid even she won't be able to help me.
Let me bring you the final question: what to do with this belief?
