Venting tried standing up for myself and it went very poorly

[author]

I'm a terrible person and I wish I didn't care about anyone

My friend is suicidal. Possibly hypocritical of me, but I don't want her to die. I talked her out of it once through text messages at work. It was a very panic-inducing ordeal but I thought she'd at least be fine for a while after, especially because I've been helping her move. But today at...

sanctioned-suicide.net

For context. The TL;DR is that this friend called me saying she'd kill herself while I was at work, and then hung up when I said I needed 5 minutes to get to the break room and left me on read for the rest of the night as I messaged her several times asking if she was still alive and okay. She had said she called me instead of her husband because she "felt less bad about bothering me than anyone else".

The other night we hung out, and she kept saying the f slur over and over. She's bisexual so I tried to shrug it off as her reclaiming, and I said it once in return but it made me a bit uncomfortable so I stopped. However, she started saying slurs for trans people - and she is not trans. I'm trans. I had to tell her that she was saying slurs, and she claimed she "didn't know" and that our other trans friend was "totally fine with it". She also made a joke about pimping her husband out to me. I was extremely uncomfortable. She was also using me to move from her apartment, and did nothing to help the entire time because she decided reading her old journal out loud to me while I packed her boxes and moved stuff and cleaned up the garbage was funnier even as I asked for her help.

Basically for my safety (and to make sure I wasn't overreacting) I waited a day to tell her how uncomfortable I was with how she's been treating me, and I decided to include the fact that I can't help her with her suicide attempts. She then exploded on me, demonized me, kept putting words in my mouth... It was genuinely awful.

For anyone who cares to read this nonsense I'm gonna put it in the attachments. I combined the screenshots together so that I don't have to send like 10. Hopefully I can also manage to embed the image correctly so that it's not huge but you can click into it. I'm Blue and she's Pink because I literally just spun my color wheel randomly and it landed that way. Green is our mutual friend and Orange is her husband.


I just feel like I'm going insane. Like, I can see how my first message might have been a bit insensitive due to me being frustrated, but I honestly feel like I'm being demonized very strongly for my feelings. Her saying I can tell her when I'm uncomfortable and in the same breath saying how I feel doesn't matter? That I shouldn't tell her? My head hurts trying to wrap it around all of this. I tried so hard to be diplomatic. I tried so hard to just be firm instead of rolling over like a dog because I'm sick of being treated that way.

Despite everything I'm still scared that I'm wrong and I said something heinous and I can't even tell what it is. I WANT people to tell me when I'm doing something wrong but everything she's bringing up doesn't feel like something I actually did. I just wanted to have an adult discussion with her but I feel like I was the one who mainly ended up apologizing, and all of her apologies were "I'm sorry but". I keep going over the conversation like that'll help me understand what I "did wrong". I've been in this situation before with someone else who accused me of things I never did or said, even when there's messages to prove it, so I can't tell if I'm conflating the two situations or if I'm actually justified in feeling like I'm not fully in the wrong here.

I feel bad but I don't really... want to be her friend anymore.

 

[MephiticShadow]

I read the whole message thread and I concur you definitely did NOT call her a chaser. You said the joke sounded like chaser shit. I can kinda see where she's coming from with the your feelings don't matter in that moment of life and death for her but at the same time I don't think telling her later that you were terrified for her safety and wanted to know she was ok is out of line I think that's completely reasonable and anyone who cares about a friend would feel that way. I think she wants to pretend she can respectfully hear your side but I don't think she can she went full aggressive mode much more so than you. Just seems like everything you say she wants to turn around on you

 

[CedarLine]

I can understand that you're frustrated OP, no one deserves to feel the way you've been describing.

I might be wrong, but some of what you've shared worries me. It sounds like you've asked to be respected more than once and aren't really getting that. It sounds painful and unfair.

Do you think it might help to take a bit of space from this person? just to give yourself room to breathe and think clearly.

You mentioned you've been in a similar situation before. And I just wonder if there's a pattern that might be worth gently exploring. Sometimes we gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it doesn't treat us well.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I am a bit less lenient with this stuff sometimes, but your friend pulling the"I have a black friend" defense in regards to the slurs shows me that they are absolutelynot ready to take accountability for any action they make, and likely won't be even after this. It doesn't matter how damn suicidal you are, that's weird.

It reminds me of a discussion I've had with some racialized people who made great points about how some semi-privileged people (marginalized, but less so than others), WANT to say slurs because it makes them feel good. It feels edgy, taboo. They get a little thrill by feeling like "I'm allowed to do this because I can use (blank) as an excuse."

Like the young Gen Z autists claiming that the R slur is recclaimable by them (even though they still use it as an insult all the time anyway), or the issue with some queer people saying the F slur in between every word in conversation. Your friend sounds like one of those types, and trust me when I say that those types aren't exactly emotionally mature...

I actually kind of want to go through the screenshot you posted and point every instance of deflection, privilege, and gaslighting, if you'd be interested in a full breakdown of why this person is definitely not worth your emotional space?

 

[author]

I read the whole message thread and I concur you definitely did NOT call her a chaser. You said the joke sounded like chaser shit. I can kinda see where she's coming from with the your feelings don't matter in that moment of life and death for her but at the same time I don't think telling her later that you were terrified for her safety and wanted to know she was ok is out of line I think that's completely reasonable and anyone who cares about a friend would feel that way. I think she wants to pretend she can respectfully hear your side but I don't think she can she went full aggressive mode much more so than you. Just seems like everything you say she wants to turn around on you

Okay so it isn't just me on the chaser thing. That makes me feel a bit better. And yeah, I would never make it about me when she's coming to me for help. It's precisely why I waited to bring it up. I figured it'd be best to wait until she was in a somewhat better headspace to let her know that I'm not able to give her that kind of help but that I do care about her.

I just kind of can't get over that she told me to "shut the fuck up" about it. I hadn't even registered it at first because I was so focused on trying to have a genuine conversation with her that I guess my brain glossed over it. Even though I said I cared, and that I wanted to help, and that I was worried about her... Because of that I think she might have been set off no matter how I said any of this, unfortunately.

I can understand that you're frustrated OP, no one deserves to feel the way you've been describing.

I might be wrong, but some of what you've shared worries me. It sounds like you've asked to be respected more than once and aren't really getting that. It sounds painful and unfair.

Do you think it might help to take a bit of space from this person? just to give yourself room to breathe and think clearly.

You mentioned you've been in a similar situation before. And I just wonder if there's a pattern that might be worth gently exploring. Sometimes we gravitate toward what feels familiar, even when it doesn't treat us well.

I have a bad habit of people pleasing and putting myself down, so I've been around people who take advantage of that. In the past I was even more gentle and anxious than I am now so it was easier for people to turn things around and say I was in the wrong for stating my discomfort. I'm trying to get better about that. I think I did better here at least.

I definitely want space from her. I'm honestly not sure I'll even stick around to be her friend if she doesn't give me a genuine apology without me asking for it (since stating my discomfort was the whole reason this happened). I'm very, very tired of being treated like this...

I am a bit less lenient with this stuff sometimes, but your friend pulling the"I have a black friend" defense in regards to the slurs shows me that they are absolutelynot ready to take accountability for any action they make, and likely won't be even after this. It doesn't matter how damn suicidal you are, that's weird.

It reminds me of a discussion I've had with some racialized people who made great points about how some semi-privileged people (marginalized, but less so than others), WANT to say slurs because it makes them feel good. It feels edgy, taboo. They get a little thrill by feeling like "I'm allowed to do this because I can use (blank) as an excuse."

Like the young Gen Z autists claiming that the R slur is recclaimable by them (even though they still use it as an insult all the time anyway), or the issue with some queer people saying the F slur in between every word in conversation. Your friend sounds like one of those types, and trust me when I say that those types aren't exactly emotionally mature...

I actually kind of want to go through the screenshot you posted and point every instance of deflection, privilege, and gaslighting, if you'd be interested in a full breakdown of why this person is definitely not worth your emotional space?

She is definitely the type to say the f slur every sentence. That's what she was doing when we hung out. I've said it once or twice in relation to myself, however, she said it in relation to me - as in calling me that several times. I tried to laugh along with it but I wasn't really liking it...

Honestly if you want to go through it, I'd be glad to read it. Given my history of being gaslit I really appreciate when people are able to go "no you're not crazy, and here's why" lol - I appreciate it either way though.