How can I deal with intense fear of being abandoned?

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

I can't tell you why it is or what it is, my father did leave me but I don't care that much tbh, it doesn't affect me at all

I have one friend online and I'm so scared of her leaving me, it gets to a point where no matter what Im all day long trying to make plans on how to survive if she leaves me, It deeply scares me and whenever she's mad or ignoring me, because she's often, sometimes she seems to hate me, I genuinely listen to her, I say sorry and I genuinely mean it despite not getting what I did wrong, I get so deeply scared, my heart beats fast for long times, again and again and I genuinely feel sick because of it, Ik I got along completely alone but it feels like I'm dying when I even think about it, to the point where I just want to leave her because It scares me too much
So many things goes wrong and sometimes I doubt I actually mean much to her, tho I can't let go, I'm extremely attached.

Any tips on how to deal with this?
And just to add it, I'm not just not able to see what I'm doing wrong but for example today I just asked her how she is and we talked a bit and then suddenly she said "what could be so hard to understand are you fucking retarded just shut up shut the fuck up dont talk to me "

 

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

Bump

 

[4colliez]

I understand you, i deal with this a lot too. I think what has helped me the most is trying to put myself first. Not trying to please the other person all the time, caring about my own needs and wants especially if the other person doesn't. I know that's easier said than done tho and tbh I struggle to put that in practice even now lol. Finding self soothing methods in place of seeking for validation from others is good, but it takes a lot of effort.
Also I've tried to accept that it's just part of life... most people just don't stay forever and maybe that's okay.

Tho I have to say that person seems to be obviously treating you like shit and taking advantage of your attachment and it's taking its toll on you. I stayed friends with someone who treated me the same way for years because THEY KNEW that I would stay no matter what. They knew how much they could get away with because I never left or even got angry. Walking away from them was extremely hard but it is the best thing I've ever done. Im not going to tell you what to do but sometimes walking away is the right decision even if it hurts

 

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

I understand you, i deal with this a lot too. I think what has helped me the most is trying to put myself first. Not trying to please the other person all the time, caring about my own needs and wants especially if the other person doesn't. I know that's easier said than done tho and tbh I struggle to put that in practice even now lol. Finding self soothing methods in place of seeking for validation from others is good, but it takes a lot of effort.
Also I've tried to accept that it's just part of life... most people just don't stay forever and maybe that's okay.

Tho I have to say that person seems to be obviously treating you like shit and taking advantage of your attachment and it's taking its toll on you. I stayed friends with someone who treated me the same way for years because THEY KNEW that I would stay no matter what. They knew how much they could get away with because I never left or even got angry. Walking away from them was extremely hard but it is the best thing I've ever done. Im not going to tell you what to do but sometimes walking away is the right decision even if it hurts

Thank you so much for the advice it really means a lot to me!!
And stuff like that happens often, i know I should go away but I somehow can't, I'm so attached I just don't know what to do
Thanks again, i appreciate it it's helpful

 

[Lamentice]

she said "what could be so hard to understand are you fucking retarded just shut up shut the fuck up dont talk to me "

...I really don't think you should ever let someone speak to you that way....

But on the note of the broader question, I have dealt with the same fear by pursuing extinguishment of my desire/need for human connection. Complete severance is my goal at the sacrifice of almost anything. One step is removing people's access to you, especially and specifically access to any vulnerability.

Would a MH "professional" suggest it? No, but if attachment is unsafe because people are fundamentally unsafe, then you're the one that has to adapt to them, so what does that mean for you?

For me any sacrifice to sever this need is worth it if it means I get peace, and attachment is not peace, it's turbulence.

 

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

...I really don't think you should ever let someone speak to you that way....

It happens so often and I always let it slide when she comes back, what should I do? Do you have any advice, should I just walk away entirely despite her also being able to be really nice?

But on the note of the broader question, I have dealt with the same fear by pursuing extinguishment of my desire/need for human connection. Complete severance is my goal at the sacrifice of almost anything. One step is removing people's access to you, especially and specifically access to any vulnerability.

Would a MH "professional" suggest it? No, but if attachment is unsafe because people are fundamentally unsafe, then you're the one that has to adapt to them, so what does that mean for you?

For me any sacrifice to sever this need is worth it if it means I get peace, and attachment is not peace, it's turbulence.

Thanks a lot mean, I appreciate the advice and its really helpful
I'm just deeply scared, I don't want to miss her and I don't want to be alone but deep down I know that it would be better for me

 

[Shell]

...I really don't think you should ever let someone speak to you that way....

But on the note of the broader question, I have dealt with the same fear by pursuing extinguishment of my desire/need for human connection. Complete severance is my goal at the sacrifice of almost anything. One step is removing people's access to you, especially and specifically access to any vulnerability.

Would a MH "professional" suggest it? No, but if attachment is unsafe because people are fundamentally unsafe, then you're the one that has to adapt to them, so what does that mean for you?

For me any sacrifice to sever this need is worth it if it means I get peace, and attachment is not peace, it's turbulence.

How has this been working for you? After being stabbed in the back so many times my life (who seeing the whole person who didn't treat me like that die of a horrible disease) I am just so tired of seeking human connection only to be let down again... but isn't socialization like a natural need or something? I always heard that... and that I should socialize more to get better.... so you got me wondering if your way is better.

 

[DivineBreadEnjoyer]

How has this been working for you? After being stabbed in the back so many times my life (who seeing the whole person who didn't treat me like that die of a horrible disease) I am just so tired of seeking human connection only to be let down again... but isn't socialization like a natural need or something? I always heard that... and that I should socialize more to get better.... so you got me wondering if your way is better.

Tbh I think I'm done with deep human connections after I'm done with that one, I kinda do understand you
I don't want to be lonely forever but as I think I will ctb in the next few years I would rather live the rest of my life without constant fear of being abandoned, replaced and not being loved by someone anymore
Human connections scare me, I spend most of my day being more scared of losing them than actually enjoying their presence
A part of it why I'm so attached to her is surely the loneliness, I never had a real friend for a long time, the only ones I have are the ones that I see like twice a year maybe, and even there just a friend and his friend

I'm kinda done with all that shit, Im depressed anyway and Its really hard, Im Not trying to make it harder again by making my mood rely on people that will just hurt me in the end
It will always be the same outcome, I will always just be scared and hurt, I'm too sensitive to have real human connections and I dont think I'm ever gonna be able to be a part of this world
I want someone as lonely and unloveable as me to spend the rest of my life with, someone that will surely not leave me because theyre becoming bored... Well atleast that's the dream!
Im not sure when I will ctb but It could be soon or in many years, Im Not Fully sure about when yet but i don't want to be hurt like this ever again, it hurts and I don't want others to hurt me like that
I want nothing more but a real friendship or relationship, just any type of connections to humans
But I'd rather be lonely than always being treated like shit


Sorry if that text is kinda long I just thought I can try to explain my view on those things precisely :)

 

[Shell]

Tbh I think I'm done with deep human connections after I'm done with that one, I kinda do understand you
I don't want to be lonely forever but as I think I will ctb in the next few years I would rather live the rest of my life without constant fear of being abandoned, replaced and not being loved by someone anymore
Human connections scare me, I spend most of my day being more scared of losing them than actually enjoying their presence
A part of it why I'm so attached to her is surely the loneliness, I never had a real friend for a long time, the only ones I have are the ones that I see like twice a year maybe, and even there just a friend and his friend

I'm kinda done with all that shit, Im depressed anyway and Its really hard, Im Not trying to make it harder again by making my mood rely on people that will just hurt me in the end
It will always be the same outcome, I will always just be scared and hurt, I'm too sensitive to have real human connections and I dont think I'm ever gonna be able to be a part of this world
I want someone as lonely and I loveable as me to spend the rest of my life with, someone that will surely not leave me because theyre becoming bored... Well atleast that's the dream!
Im not sure when I will ctb but It could be soon or in many years, Im Not Fully sure about when yet but i don't want to be hurt like this ever again, it hurts and I don't want others to hurt me like that
I want nothing more but a real friendship or relationship, just any type of connections to humans
But I'd rather be lonely than always being treated like shit


Sorry if that text is kinda long I just thought I can try to explain my view on those things precisely :)

Please don't CTB, you are such a good and kind person... I understand you, I know how you feel, we carry such sorrow and such a desire for someone who would understand that sorrow and make it go away... but most people just, I don't know, I guess they don't care about it... but there are some who do! I know I do, every time I see someone here say they want to CTB it makes me so sad and I just want to help... this is why I am not sure about closing off all human connections, although some events in my life surely make me feel like doing it... because I know that there are some rare people who really care... they are difficult to find, but they exist.

 

[Lamentice]

It happens so often and I always let it slide when she comes back, what should I do? Do you have any advice, should I just walk away entirely despite her also being able to be really nice?

She seems mean, just honestly mean and hurtful. It's those kinds of hot-cold, inconsistent relationships that are the worst. I'm not gonna claim to know her intentions, but there is manipulation (consciously or not) in switching up on affection and hostility. It keeps you in a turbulent loop with her.

That is absolute torment imo.

I don't know what you should do, but the relationship seems destabilizing and entrenching....
My experience with someone who was like this for me was that there is no winning. Being in the friendship hurt... removing the friendship hurt...

I wouldn't go back and choose not to leave-
But just heads up.. at least for me.. it compounded some extreme grief that I already had. And- yeah...
I made my choice because ultimately I just wanted to make the best, most protective choice for myself, but I don't necessarily feel better is all I'm saying, or trying to say.

Maybe that can help you make an informed decision? Or maybe my experience is irrelevant. It's been 1.5 years for me since leaving the friendship, and that was the 2nd time I left, but the 1st time was only 3 months.

Thanks a lot mean, I appreciate the advice and its really helpful
I'm just deeply scared, I don't want to miss her and I don't want to be alone but deep down I know that it would be better for me

I always advocate for doing what is going to be better for you! That's what I try to personally subscribe to.