I have a sort of back-and-forth relationship with pain. When I need it, it's comforting. It feels real when everything else feels fake. I can look back at it and be reminded that what I went through was real, I wasn't just being dramatic. If things are really bad and it wasn't just a passing one-night sort of thing then it's especially comforting when showering cause the hot water makes them sting. Most importantly, it makes me feel like I have complete domain over my own body. I can make it uglier if I wish. Especially in a time when it feels like women/AFAB bodies are subject to such dehumanization by the media and government, it just feels good to mark it as my own, in some small way. Granted, the only cuts I've done are very shallow like cat scratches, but even then I still have scars from last year. A reminder what I went through was real.
I have a big bag of rubber bands to use instead of cutting but sometimes I can't help it. It really does become addictive if you do it too often... and then I feel so guilty. I try to only let myself cut if something horrible happens. Last time was the election and later a horrible phone call I had with my mom. I didn't feel good about cutting but I can't bring myself to blame myself either. I don't blame anyone who does. I think it's an instinct for a reason, just like the urge to kill yourself. A way to cope and a way out when genuinely nothing else helps.