Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I'm exhausted tbh but from my body fighting traumatic responses. Sooo fun 
I did therapy. Talked to a worker.
I met with my friend for a bit but at that point had been coming outta the freeze left me shaking & tired. So didn't meet for long & hard to engage. Had moments where I was engaged but I was struggling to even eat soo...
Did a peer support group.
Going to an event about suicide prevention tmrw and building more & different supports. Getting a ride from a local acquaintence/ friend. Called to set that up.
Wanted to do laundry & clean but I am exhausted now...
Im sad, disheartened, feeling fake in ways, feeling... just... defeated.
But here I am and maybe that counts for something. I dunno.
I feel all this jittery energy so maybe I will clean... I dunno. Just needa calm my nervous system and I wanted to clean up before tmrw.
I guess I'll wake up tmrw early enough to do the things or some of em. Take a bunch of CBD and justtttt zoneeee.... / chill my body with stillness.
(If I could end my life rn I would. Im tempted to self harm but I won't.)
I would love to release my energy healthily but I'm too stuck & activated. So CBD, music, tea if I can.
Why does trying feel so awful (ik the science behind why) doesn't per say make it better.
Im calming down as the night is going along/as I was writing this my body started to calm down.
For the trauma reactions sometimes it's just about allowing the feelings/responses to happen. Safely.... it's hard tho. (Isn't everything)
Im starting to feel displaced in this world. I wrote about it elsewhere and the feedback/general thought of building secure attachments & seeking those out in moments.
Something I've grown to do but still feels unnatural to me sooo a work in progress.
Sooo life is... life. Im not placing any definitive answer today. Just... existing. Which is weird but fine for rn.
I'd rather be exhausted than too awake but I would love to be exhausted from good things but the living hope is that that happens more often.
I can't say I have hope rn. It's a little less painful to go through the motions knowing death is possible. I don't have to die but it's possible. That's enough for me rn.
I did therapy. Talked to a worker.
I met with my friend for a bit but at that point had been coming outta the freeze left me shaking & tired. So didn't meet for long & hard to engage. Had moments where I was engaged but I was struggling to even eat soo...
Did a peer support group.
Going to an event about suicide prevention tmrw and building more & different supports. Getting a ride from a local acquaintence/ friend. Called to set that up.
Wanted to do laundry & clean but I am exhausted now...
Im sad, disheartened, feeling fake in ways, feeling... just... defeated.
But here I am and maybe that counts for something. I dunno.
I feel all this jittery energy so maybe I will clean... I dunno. Just needa calm my nervous system and I wanted to clean up before tmrw.
I guess I'll wake up tmrw early enough to do the things or some of em. Take a bunch of CBD and justtttt zoneeee.... / chill my body with stillness.
(If I could end my life rn I would. Im tempted to self harm but I won't.)
I would love to release my energy healthily but I'm too stuck & activated. So CBD, music, tea if I can.
Why does trying feel so awful (ik the science behind why) doesn't per say make it better.
Im calming down as the night is going along/as I was writing this my body started to calm down.
For the trauma reactions sometimes it's just about allowing the feelings/responses to happen. Safely.... it's hard tho. (Isn't everything)
Im starting to feel displaced in this world. I wrote about it elsewhere and the feedback/general thought of building secure attachments & seeking those out in moments.
Something I've grown to do but still feels unnatural to me sooo a work in progress.
Sooo life is... life. Im not placing any definitive answer today. Just... existing. Which is weird but fine for rn.
I'd rather be exhausted than too awake but I would love to be exhausted from good things but the living hope is that that happens more often.
I can't say I have hope rn. It's a little less painful to go through the motions knowing death is possible. I don't have to die but it's possible. That's enough for me rn.
