Venting trapped inside this life

[100memoryleaks]

my mom eventually did notice the purple and red spots all over my face in spite of all the concealer I piled on. something to keep in mind if you're considering hanging. she said I looked like I was intoxicated by something, which is not wrong considering I mixed sedatives and alcohol but it's not the sole reason for my appearance. at least she didn't see the bruises on my neck.

about that, I'm considering getting something stronger to stop my SI as that's what stopped my first attempt right as I could feel myself slipping away. stupid fucking brain. I was supposed to have died yesterday goddammit, I'm not supposed to be here. i should probably wait for my neck to be a bit less sore before attempting again, although maybe it will be easier the second time since I already have an idea of what to expect. but also I have work shifts scheduled on Saturday and Sunday. ugh, spending my last days working would really not be fun. besides, with every day I keep looking more and more sleep deprived and disheveled.

probably been gaining weight too from eating junk, I hope my period doesn't come back before I ctb (I lost it early in this year because I have an ED)

all the fun stuff I used to do no longer brings me any joy, I try to play some chess just to give my mind a distraction, pace around my room when I get restless, watch TV with my dad sometimes... but ever since my fp left pretty much nothing feels fun. I can't believe it will be almost a month now since he left me. I don't want to be here anymore, I really really don't. I've already accepted he's not coming back, I just want my miserable and empty existence to end. i don't want to love anyone else. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to move on. i just want to be dead. rotting and cold to the touch, just a beautiful corpse.

if he came back he would have seen me with my huge eyebags and burst capillaries, and I would ask him if he still thinks I'm beautiful, and he would say yes like always. i belong to him only, no one else shall have me and I will make sure of it... he can exist without me but I do not exist without him.
wild how some people can fail an attempt and then be like "wow I should live after all! I'm so much better now! I'm so glad I didn't succeed!" in the 8 years of my life that I have had thoughts about ctb, either passively (like when my fp was still around) or actively, this is the first time I ever SERIOUSLY attempted. because my reason to continue living is already gone. my enjoyment for life and all my hobbies and interests is already gone. sure, fp can continue pretending it's nothing and playing video games while I'm lifelessly hanging from a tree. perhaps my spirit can travel to him and merge with him somehow.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Someone important to me left me too, though it was six months ago but I'm unsure it still counts if he keeps contacting me. Regardless, I know how that feeling of nothing having a meaning without them feels like. Im curious what did this person mean to you? If it's not intrusive to ask.

 

[100memoryleaks]

Someone important to me left me too, though it was six months ago but I'm unsure it still counts if he keeps contacting me. Regardless, I know how that feeling of nothing having a meaning without them feels like. Im curious what did this person mean to you? If it's not intrusive to ask.

he was my best friend and boyfriend, and also my only friend (so what I really mean is he's the best friend I've ever had). throughout my life I have had little interest in making and keeping friends as I find most people to be boring to talk to. but I loved spending time with him. i love ONLY him and literally nobody else.

he was the reason I wanted to take care of my appearance, he was the reason why I graduated and got my degree, he was also the reason why I was looking for more higher paying jobs than my current one, because I wanted to save up money to move to his country! he helped me overcome my trust issues and my past traumas and let go of jealousy and my constant fear that he would just disappear one day without a reason, or choose someone else over me. i copied all his interests, watched every movie he's seen, agreed with everything he said, and copied all his favorite things. I learned his language so I could thrive with him in our new life together.

and then he did leave me, but at least respectfully with a valid reason and some clear boundaries. his decision is permanent, and therefore so is mine. I don't doubt that it's possible for me to find someone else, after all, plenty of men find me attractive. but I don't want to find someone else! i love only my fp.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

That's truly touching. And hurtful, as he left in the end. So you're ending your life because he's gone? I imagine he meant the world to you. He most likely did as he helped you in so many ways. I can't live without my fp either, I suppose he was right about me that I depend on him. But I'm happy for you that at least he doesn't pop up every now and then to make your life worse sounds like a good guy.