Hey, sorry I haven't been active in this thread since my first post, been busy and struggling with personal matters, but I wanted to check up on you. I've finally caught up with the conversation, so I'll reply as best as I can.
Hey guys thanks to all who have responded, you've all helped calm me down and I really appreciate how supportive you all have been.
I decided to come out to one of my online friends and have told them everything. They now know I am a girl and that I wish to be a boy. They were shocked at first and of course didn't believe me until we video called. After her initial shock, she was accepting and told me that everything will be fine and that she will be there to support me. It feels great to be able to talk to her about it as we have been friends for 3 years now. And not just that, I can be more open towards her and actually talk over the phone or video call which is amazing.
Little update for anyone who's interested:
I asked my boyfriend if he'd still love me if I was trans and he replied with 'You know where the door is'. I don't know what I'd do without him, but if I come out as trans, I lose him too. I now just see my future as once I get out of the psychiatric ward, I'm going to quit my job, come out as trans and then ctb. I know how to order SN as I've done it twice in the past. My biggest regret is not jumping when I had the chance.
Honestly, I still feel your boyfriend is not a good influence for you now or in the future, he sounds really transphobic and I feel that'd only worsen your mental health; your identity shouldn't be degraded by what other people want you to be, you deserve to be respected and referred as you wish. It's hard to leave someone who you love deeply, even if they hurt you, I've gone through a similar situation myself. But remember that your wellbeing comes first and foremost.
Doesn't sound like a bad plan. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, I don't know much but based from things you've said in this thread, it paints a picture in my mind of very difficult life circumstances. I wish you well with whatever you decide to carry through.
I really want to tell my family I'm just not sure how to and am worried about their reaction.
I could talk to the nurses but I just don't think they would get it.
I feel you should really talk to it with the nurses, gender identity is very important to a patient's mental health, so letting them know how you feel about yourself and how you want to be referred is helpful, but I understand the worry. Take your time to think about it.
I'm honestly not sure what I'm attracted to. I always thought I liked men, but I'm beginning to think I just like them because that's how I want to be.
It's completely understandable. When I began questioning my gender I also did with my sexual orientation. I used to think I was heterosexual even though I had a small undefined attraction for girls since I was young (though, I didn't know it at the time); I had a hard time thinking about myself as bisexual due to never being in a romantic relationship with a woman. After researching about different sexualities and reflecting about it I felt more comfortable calling myself bi and coming out as such, but it definitely took its time. I know of other trans folks who've gone through similar journeys, so you're not alone.
Again, take your time, there's no pressure to define everything about yourself now, you're valid regardless of who you are attracted to. Reading about others' experiences in forums or articles can be extremely useful.
I've came out to my parents and they said they will support me either way.
As a reply to the first quoted message and this one, congratulations! I'm super happy for you! You've had very good first steps, I was rooting for you and I'm glad almost everything came out great. Parents and friends' support are super important when a trans person is coming out, so you have a very solid foundation to begin of your transition. Excellent! Something less to worry about.
I wish I knew what to say. Being gay, I feel like I SHOULD know what to say. The truth is, I feel horrible about my own attitudes towards trans people. Not that I would ever harm someone like that, or anything to disparage them, just that I don't understand it. (It's probably because I am not a fan of "drag queens" and such, but I've come to learn that those are two distinct things.) And I never truly accepted in myself that I am homosexual. Even though I left Christianity over it (among other reasons), I still have residual "guilt" about being gay, even though I know better. So, how could I understand it, when I don't understand and accept me?
Rather than ramble on like a narcissist, then, I'll just say I'm sorry for what you're going through. Even though I don't understand your specifics, I understand it in principle. For what it's worth, I hope you find peace with it.
Hey, don't be too hard on yourself, it's not uncommon to face hardship accepting your own sexuality and/or gender identity. Sadly, our society is built upon many prejudices and negative stereotypes of the LGBTQ+ community, we're exposed to these negative depictions through our daily lives; in your case it was Christianity, which has openly repressed homosexuality and historically punished it; but there also more subtle ways society reinforces negative ideas about the community and it's very difficult to get rid of them, regardless if you are trans or cis, gay or straight. It's called internalized homophobia and internalized transphobia, respectively.
For example, before coming out as trasmasculine, I used to be very transphobic and homophobic due to the people I got along with, their beliefs. the media I was exposed, the lack of knowledge and the cultural view most of my country had on the LGBTQ+ community. It took me years to detach from most of my homophobic/transphobic attitudes, and even then I'm still not 100% free from them, but I'm trying to learn and not repeat the same mistakes of the pasts.
Judging from your message, you seem to be aware of your internalized homophobia, which is good. Do not fear, you're not a bad person or anything along those lines, it means you know you have a problem that's afflicting you and can take steps to change your mindset. My best suggestion is read about many aspects and history of the community, talking with other gay people who may have gone or are going through the same experience and trying to view your sexuality from more positive facets. It'll take time, but it's for the better.
In any case, I wish you well. You deserve to be at peace with who you are.
