Okay, so I've been a member of this forum since November 2, 2018 and I've been meticulously doing my research on various ctb methods (particularly the SN method) in the PPeH, on this forum and on the wiki. I have my ctb supplies (metoclopramide, zantac and SN + diazepam and benadryl for sedation) and I know pretty much all I need to know about the SN method. I know how to test it (using an aquarium nitrite test kit), store it (sealed/airtight container) and use it to ctb (48hr antiemetic regimen + tagamet/zantac + SN), plus I've finished drafting my would be ctb note. I'm planning to ctb after my birthday next year (because I want to have one final Christmas and birthday before I exit life), but the thing is, I'm torn between wanting to ctb and wanting to stay. I want to exit life, but the main thing that's holding me back is how my family and friends will feel and how they might react to my ctb (needless to say, they would be devastated). Can anyone relate?
first off, sorry you're pain and sufferings forced you to this point, in making such a choice.
i too am in such a conflict. i've pretty much made a choice in perhaps waiting till schools done and if i can achieve things such as getting into law schools, improving my health and mental and physical state by the age of 23 tops. if i can't, well atleast i tried. knowing i gave it my all, i guess if life continues to completely screw me over, i feel like ill get to a point where ill be even more numb and wont care about anything else but wanting to ctb.
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Sorry for you being in pain and conflict, but your conflicted feelings are so normal in such situation, to ctb is not that easy and it never was.
Your concern about your family I see it a very positive side here, share your pain with trusty person in the family, and give yourself a chance to getaway of the idea of ctb, and wait for the results, you gonna lose nothing by trying it.
sanction
sanctioned
- Mar 15, 2019
- 431
I'm stuck nearly every single day stressing about the same thought. I'm pretty sure a fair amount of people can relate. However, long story short, as time passes, it seems like I'm more likely to CTB instead. Living is just too much hassle and stress, almost like a form of torture, and then you also end up dying in the end anyways regardless after all the invested effort. Therefore, I'm definitely leaning more towards CTB, but still constantly going back & forth in my mind if I should continue living. And also I've already wasted a few years being depressed, making no real progress in life, except for falling behind. So if I do choose to live, I simply need to get my act together ASAP, as I will have a lot of catching up to do, if I wanted to "restart" again. Both decisions are stressful
Sadwind
want to go
- Sep 21, 2019
- 76
I view this conflict as natural, at least for myself. I oscillate between tender feelings of hope and then to despair many times throughout the day, it's just a part of who I am to want to stay. There are things and people that I enjoy. In the end it's like being on a rollercoaster and you can't get off. It's fun until it isn't. I am sorry if I don't make sense
Wayfaerer
JFMSUF
- Aug 21, 2019
- 1,938
If you're torn over it, then ctb probably isn't for you.
Worndown
Visionary
- Mar 21, 2019
- 2,972
You will know when it is time to go.
Until then, plan on staying.
Until then, plan on staying.
JimFord99
Enlightened
- Aug 18, 2019
- 1,047
MeltingHeart
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2019
- 2,151
I feel a little envious of all the people on here that say there family would be upset or devasted-I suppose you could say that is one less barrier for me-as they would literally not mind at all-or in fact would be more than ok with it-but it also feel so so sad to think that the very people that bought you in the world-would not care one iota if you were gone-that in itself is a big part of why I want to ctb-my friends would be upset-but everyone moves on, my fam would just shrug there shoulders-and even that would prob be too much of a reaction to expect from them. If you want to celebrate a bday and an xmas-I feel you still have times, situations you enjoy in life and that you should stick around, give life a chance, if you still enjoy even one or two things-that is a cause for hope.
do you suffer from any bipolar or personality disorder at all? if you feel your moods are quite extreme and up and down, I wish I did enjoy something, anything, I used to-but now not ever, nothing and no body-its horrible.
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Thank you everyone for your support and understanding, it really means a lot to me. If I change my mind about ctb and decide to stay and give life another chance, I will keep my SN stored inside a sealed/airtight container just in case I want to ctb again (and I will still be pro choice when it comes to euthanasia, ctb and the right to die and I always will be). It's a good thing properly stored SN has a very long shelf life (according to the PPeH) because that gives me peace of mind knowing I can exit life on my own terms. I must say I'm very thankful for this pro choice forum and I hope it doesn't get taken down. I wish everyone on this forum all the best and I hope you all find peace one way or another.
Painpleasure
Student
- Apr 9, 2019
- 108
You are in a very fortunate position to have all your supplies ready and to be able to postpone suicide. To me, for sure, suicide is an escape and only that. If I were you I would maybe think about continuing with life until a point that you feel you've had "enough". Maybe some cities, food, women or career aspirations you want to pursue? I know it sounds pro-life (I'm not pro-life btw lol) but you've got nothing you lose here my friend.
I can absolutely relate. I don't think I'm bipolar, as I function fine for day to day stuff, work etc, but the roller-coaster is real. Its like the most inconsequential things have such a profound effect on me, both good and bad.
So I have done no prep, have no supplies, as I fear that I will ctb on a whim when I'm on a bad downer. I'm trying - wanting - to get more "up's" in my life, but the older I get, the more disillusioned, cynical, bitter and jaded I become, and it seems that bad days, the downers, are becoming more frequent.
What I do know though, is that even though I don't post much here, I read a lot of the threads, and just knowing that I'm not alone, that there are many others on the brink, on the precipice, has been a huge comfort for me.
MichiyoCornell
Member
- Sep 8, 2019
- 34
I have given this question the same amount of concern. I think the longer the pain goes on - whatever pain that is for you - it ultimately has to outweigh the potential hurt you might cause others for you to be driven to ctb. That can take decades to take place fully. If your core problems are solvable even to a partial extent, you'll always have "hope" hidden in the back of your mind, even as you make plans to CTB, so this may also be a part of why you feel torn (idk). It sounds bad to say, but I believe that guilt towards family can also develop into a different kind of survival instinct.
For me, I pushed pretty much everyone away either purposefully or through my problems and that led to an isolation from my family/friends that ultimately dulls me to the reality of how they will be affected. As for their opinion of my decision, they do not live in my body or brain and do not know what it is like for me to struggle so much. I'm sure if they did even for one day, they would better understand why I needed to do this. If you can accept that they may never understand or be okay with your decision, then you won't be torn anymore. Easier said than done of course.
For me, I pushed pretty much everyone away either purposefully or through my problems and that led to an isolation from my family/friends that ultimately dulls me to the reality of how they will be affected. As for their opinion of my decision, they do not live in my body or brain and do not know what it is like for me to struggle so much. I'm sure if they did even for one day, they would better understand why I needed to do this. If you can accept that they may never understand or be okay with your decision, then you won't be torn anymore. Easier said than done of course.
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