I'm torn apart. I need someone who can understand...

[Rudeus_Greyrat]

Hi, lovely people of SaSu. As told in my previous posts, recently the universe decided to crumble upon me, turning my perfect life in a horrible nightmare that never ends.
Everyday I wake up remembering my girlfriend, and my brother, and then I get assaulted by memories. I can't enjoy food, movies, videogames, or anything else. The only thing that gives me peace is planning my CTB. But when I finally give in and tell myself "ok, two more weeks and then we're ready to go", that terrible thing known as survival instinct kicks in and starts telling me "but why don't you hold on a little longer? Maybe something good is on the way..."
Then I start analyzing what good things could come, but only more bad things seem to be coming. My mother lost her job, this house I hold so dear will probably be sold, my mentally sick brother may come back, and I can't stand any more changes for the worst. Also, it's quite absurd to think that things may go back to how they used to, or something even comparable; despite this, I keep thinking, from time to time, that maybe my brother will come back to its senses, and maybe I could hold on enough to find out if my girlfriend will ever come back to me. If they were truly dead, it would be so much easier...
But these thoughts are pure SI, it's like if my body understood that I'm serious, that I already ordered SN and that I'm planning to CTB for real. I'm tired of clinging to hope, but I can't let go either. And this makes me suffer even more. I get up in the morning holding a pillow, pretending it's my ex girlfriend... Sometimes I get back to sleep again and again, hoping to not wake up again.
When I'm awake, I can't distract myself doing what I loved. I've been like a twin with my brother for 22 years, every habit, every hobby, everything I like it's tainted by the memories of him. And my ex girlfriend adds up to the pain.
Everyone tells me time heal all wounds, but as days go by, my wounds only seem to worsen.
I start to panic whenever I'm around other people. I feel weak. Insecure. Abandoned. Worthless. And I hate it.
I've got nothing, no job, no useful skills, and no energy to keep pursuing something. Even if I got a job, loneliness and memories would still be with me. Tormenting me.
Haunting every moment I spend awake in this horrible world. And also, I think: by holding on, by accepting a life of slavery doing something that I hate, I'm "giving" my brother and my ex their win. They got rid of me, and I got chained to a life I hate, while they pursue their successful careers, leaving me behind in the dust as if I was some useless piece of trash.
I want to find peace. I want to go the next world. But these chains called hope and SI are keeping me hostage in this body, and this reality.
Everything around me is crumbling down, and when people tell me, cynically, "move on", I start to think that it's a sign from the universe. Not in the sense of "move on, ignore your feelings and build a life that will never be as happy as it was", but in the sense of "move on, this world has nothing more to offer you but pain and disappointment. Your time here is over, your purpose is fulfilled. Go to the next world."
For every moment in which I try to do something, like finding a job or planning my future, my heart aches, refusing this.
For every moment in which I accept my CTB and start to plan it, the voice of hope starts murmuring in my head.
And the cycle repeats, again and again and again and again, and it's making me crazy.

Please, could someone help me to get rid of these doubts? A part of me wants to see if there's anything worth living for here, even for a little longer.
But when I try, I feel so tired... Like, what's the point anymore?
Help me, please. I beg you.

 

[alienfreak]

I relate on a very deep level, and i love how well you expressed this experience. But i think that i have little of value to offer as a solution, im sorry. All i can say is that I think these levels of pain are unsustainable and cannot last forever so something will break one way or another. It cannot stay like this forever and it won't, we will find peace one day. I suppose we can only keep riding the waves of emotion and pass one day at a time, wherever it leads.

 

[redkitsune98]

I understand you so well. Everyday when I go to sleep i hug a pillow acting like it is my ex. There is faint hope of him coming back, but there is a huge chance it is over. Anything else feels unfulfilling, job, hobbies, anything just doesn't fill the gap. All I want is to be happy and it seems like I cannot ever go back to the level of joy I lost. Yet, death seems like such an extremely exagerated decision, but what more is there to this life?

 

[SVEN]

I'm very sorry I can't offer reasons to go on based on my own experiences or life. Perhaps, however, there could be suggestions or assistance which might help on the Recovery section.
Best wishes.

 

[Sutter]

Time,…it is always the time. If your years are less than half a life lived I can see the draw to wait for what comes next. I dont have an answer, but this is what I would do. Find a spot where you can have some peace, look at your heart again, feel it, swim in all of the pain and loss. Come up out of it, breathe, react. React is cry, be silent, be angry, be whatever you are. Know that what you had with that person will not happen again. Realize it may happen with someone else but that is a MAY, there is no guarantee. Goto sleep, always rest one night before any serious decision. When you wake up, stop put the pillow down, can you put your feet out of bed? Answer yourself out loud to you about what you want.

I did that at 17 it got me into my early 50s. Still will not end well for me but mileage varies with each person and life's luck.

Hoping you find your way through to an answer.