Hello, everyone. I'm new here. I'm 24 years old. I hope I don't reach 25, in September.
I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt when I was drunk.
But how did I end up here? Let me tell you simply. My father died of cancer when I was 15, I entered military high school — abuse, coldness, pain.
My mother let me live alone in the house while she moved in with another man, and my brother tried to "teach me" what he wanted. But he mostly destroyed me mentally.
I always tried to make them get along and I couldn't. I saw my mother get beaten once by my father, and then a year later by my brother.
I'm sorry to have seen that. I'm sorry to be alive. I started smoking illegal marijuana at 16. I'm from Europe.
I finished high school and continued my military career in an academy. I won't mention names.
But before the academy, there were only years of suffering. I worked, tried to make money, struggled, just to survive.
And when I finally started doing well, I filled my house with friends, threw parties, and I never asked for money, marijuana, or alcohol — it was always there.
Why? Because I felt alone. My brother was a truck driver and when he was home, we always argued about me smoking — he mocked me in front of everyone.
When I reached the academy, the first year was excellent.
Until my ex-girlfriend broke up with me and started seeing a friend of mine. I was devastated.
I started drinking. And I drank until June 7, 2025.
Since 2021 I drank every time a strong emotion hit me.
I didn't wake up shaking or desperate for alcohol — but whenever I felt anything, I would start drinking.
In late 2021, someone introduced me to the world of crystal meth. My officer career was ending.
I was a hardcore user for 7 months. 100% addicted.
I left that life, took control of my own path and tried to rebuild my life, but I was still sad inside.
I was lost. I just wanted a family.
I reached 2023. I had a company, won €25,000 in a contest. And I failed again — because of alcohol and bad company.
When I saw I had hit rock bottom, I moved to another country to earn more.
That's where I met my ex-fiancée. I had a kind of love I never had before.
But… I won't give details. Mostly because of me and my own dirty mouth.
And of course, because I had been jealous for 5 months, when a friend moved in with us and spent more time with her than with me.
I became an alcoholic again. I drank a lot in those 5 months. I even drank at work. It only happened twice — but still.
I couldn't stand my life anymore. Waking up and knowing what I had said or done to my girlfriend while drunk.
I wanted help, but I was too far gone. Too proud.
So on the 7th — it was a Saturday — I had a breakdown when I saw my brother blocked me on all social media.
I knew we didn't get along well, but I didn't expect that.
So I drank all the rum I could.
My fiancée was supposed to go pick up a new car with that guy.
And I was jealous again, angry, everything…
In the morning I ended up crying on my fiancée's back.
I couldn't say what I had been through. I was frozen. Too much trauma I won't write here.
I kept drinking.
She came down, started crying, and I felt like shit when she started talking. I was ashamed. I wanted to die.
So I grabbed more alcohol and went to find courage.
How, you ask?
I tried to touch the high-voltage cables — 100,000 volts.
I went into a lake, didn't get wet enough.
And like an idiot, I sent my location to my fiancée — I just wanted to be buried next to her.
The police and ambulance arrived.
But I came down when I heard her scream out of love, begging me not to do it.
I stepped down. I went to psychiatry.
I was hospitalized for 5 days.
Then they told me I was fine and sent me away.
During those days, my fiancée canceled the wedding.
She broke up with me.
Told me to leave the house.
I did all that.
I've been sleeping in the forest for 4 days.
I want to go back there and end it… but I'm still waiting.
I still love her.
But in many conversations I see how she's crying because of me, and she already has PTSD.
That other guy who stayed — he's more in the way than helping.
I brought him there to help him. Not the other way around.
Yes, I yelled at them when I was drunk, maybe accusing them of being lovers.
It wasn't about that.
But I was too jealous and angry at myself.
I'm writing this and I feel like I'll go back there today.
She already made vacation plans, etc.
And she's taking him too.
My life is destroyed.
I talk to no one in my family.
Only with her.
When I block her this time, I don't want her to know where I am or what I'm doing.
Thanks for reading.
But this is what I want — just to die.
I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt when I was drunk.
But how did I end up here? Let me tell you simply. My father died of cancer when I was 15, I entered military high school — abuse, coldness, pain.
My mother let me live alone in the house while she moved in with another man, and my brother tried to "teach me" what he wanted. But he mostly destroyed me mentally.
I always tried to make them get along and I couldn't. I saw my mother get beaten once by my father, and then a year later by my brother.
I'm sorry to have seen that. I'm sorry to be alive. I started smoking illegal marijuana at 16. I'm from Europe.
I finished high school and continued my military career in an academy. I won't mention names.
But before the academy, there were only years of suffering. I worked, tried to make money, struggled, just to survive.
And when I finally started doing well, I filled my house with friends, threw parties, and I never asked for money, marijuana, or alcohol — it was always there.
Why? Because I felt alone. My brother was a truck driver and when he was home, we always argued about me smoking — he mocked me in front of everyone.
When I reached the academy, the first year was excellent.
Until my ex-girlfriend broke up with me and started seeing a friend of mine. I was devastated.
I started drinking. And I drank until June 7, 2025.
Since 2021 I drank every time a strong emotion hit me.
I didn't wake up shaking or desperate for alcohol — but whenever I felt anything, I would start drinking.
In late 2021, someone introduced me to the world of crystal meth. My officer career was ending.
I was a hardcore user for 7 months. 100% addicted.
I left that life, took control of my own path and tried to rebuild my life, but I was still sad inside.
I was lost. I just wanted a family.
I reached 2023. I had a company, won €25,000 in a contest. And I failed again — because of alcohol and bad company.
When I saw I had hit rock bottom, I moved to another country to earn more.
That's where I met my ex-fiancée. I had a kind of love I never had before.
But… I won't give details. Mostly because of me and my own dirty mouth.
And of course, because I had been jealous for 5 months, when a friend moved in with us and spent more time with her than with me.
I became an alcoholic again. I drank a lot in those 5 months. I even drank at work. It only happened twice — but still.
I couldn't stand my life anymore. Waking up and knowing what I had said or done to my girlfriend while drunk.
I wanted help, but I was too far gone. Too proud.
So on the 7th — it was a Saturday — I had a breakdown when I saw my brother blocked me on all social media.
I knew we didn't get along well, but I didn't expect that.
So I drank all the rum I could.
My fiancée was supposed to go pick up a new car with that guy.
And I was jealous again, angry, everything…
In the morning I ended up crying on my fiancée's back.
I couldn't say what I had been through. I was frozen. Too much trauma I won't write here.
I kept drinking.
She came down, started crying, and I felt like shit when she started talking. I was ashamed. I wanted to die.
So I grabbed more alcohol and went to find courage.
How, you ask?
I tried to touch the high-voltage cables — 100,000 volts.
I went into a lake, didn't get wet enough.
And like an idiot, I sent my location to my fiancée — I just wanted to be buried next to her.
The police and ambulance arrived.
But I came down when I heard her scream out of love, begging me not to do it.
I stepped down. I went to psychiatry.
I was hospitalized for 5 days.
Then they told me I was fine and sent me away.
During those days, my fiancée canceled the wedding.
She broke up with me.
Told me to leave the house.
I did all that.
I've been sleeping in the forest for 4 days.
I want to go back there and end it… but I'm still waiting.
I still love her.
But in many conversations I see how she's crying because of me, and she already has PTSD.
That other guy who stayed — he's more in the way than helping.
I brought him there to help him. Not the other way around.
Yes, I yelled at them when I was drunk, maybe accusing them of being lovers.
It wasn't about that.
But I was too jealous and angry at myself.
I'm writing this and I feel like I'll go back there today.
She already made vacation plans, etc.
And she's taking him too.
My life is destroyed.
I talk to no one in my family.
Only with her.
When I block her this time, I don't want her to know where I am or what I'm doing.
Thanks for reading.
But this is what I want — just to die.
