ImInPain
Member
- May 3, 2026
- 5
(first post so sorry if I get something wrong)
I've been suicidal my whole life and have been actively attempting for 3 years now.
I am so desperate to finally be gone but nothing I have tried works for me and it brings me to tears. It is like I am too stupid to do anything right no matter how hard I try!!
What I have tried:
1) Whole big bottle of 80% vodka + whole pill bottle of prescription oxycodone (made sure not to drink water beforehand too)
2) Slitting the throat (it's like the knife I had access to wouldn't even cut, even after sharpening it for hours)
3) Slitting the wrists parallel-wise (I know that is not a method but didn't at the time)
4) Trying to puncture my heart with a knife
5) Injecting air into my chest (aimed for my heart but who knows what happened. I also know now that this is not a good method). I also tried injecting air into the veins in my neck but also didn't do anything at all and I could not locate the vein at all.
Then I started moving onto hanging/suffocation:
6) Partial suspension (was there for about 30 minutes but wouldn't pass out no matter how much pressure I put. Have no access to full suspension aka nothing that could reliably hold my weight).
7) Putting a plastic bag over my head (tried to stay calm but it was extremely difficult because I wouldn't pass out, just lay for a verrryyyy long time, waiting to pass out while the suffocation feeling got worse and worse. I would get impatient because it was so unclear when I would pass out, and if at all. I would begin to worry that I'm doing it wrong and will wake up still alive and with severe brain damage).
8) The pinned "night-night method", which seems so simple but when I did it, I just could not tie the second knot without the first getting loosened. I cant even do that just on a shoe or on my leg. Eventually I made it tight enough that I could hear my heartbeat in my head and feel like there was surely something going on with my blood and veins at the neck and around the head, yet I laid there for 30 minutes just waiting to pass out and never did. The method says you should pass out very quickly (seconds!!) and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong and how to fix it. After a genuine half-hour of laying in bed with my shoelace tied around my neck, I didn't even feel like I was kind of going to pass out. Using my hand, I felt that my left ear and cheek were numb, but I was basically just laying there trying to fall asleep with the pain in order for it to passively work in some way. I began getting worried it wouldn't work (cause it clearly wasn't right and I wasn't passing out), and it was extremely difficult to just lay there and try to fall asleep, not even knowing if this would end or if I would wake up in pain and alive and with brain damage, so I untied the shoelace).
All of these I've tried on numerous occasions and have lost count how much. Attempts never showed any progress. I would often have multiple attempts one after the other, trying to reevaluate where I went wrong and getting desperate for it to work, but nothing works.
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I read the pinned methods and can't for the life of me figure out knots or mechanisms or find the veins in my neck, I just can't no matter how hard I try. I have looked at diagrams and read instructions but I just can't tell and can't accurately find it. I am also extremely uncoordinated and clumsy, so I cannot perform any quick actions such as stabbing without almost guaranteeing I miss or use the wrong amount of force (really bad hand-eye coordination and sense of "force" in movement.
So pardon the language, but I'm just too much of a retard idiot bitch baby to be able to do even the simplest things with clear instructions. What do I even do? I wish I just had a firearm but I do not have any access to one and am also registered as a suicide attemptee. There is no way for me to get a firearm, especially because I am in a US state with one of the most strict gun control regulations. I have no car and am also very physically ill so I can't get around much. I just need a way to leave that's at least 99% guaranteed to not leave me alive and brain dead. I've considered rat poison but that can take multiple days to work and might not even work (since I don't know a good lethal amount).
I feel like the more I try, the more brain damage I am accumulating. My most recent attempt was the one where I used a shoelace around my neck and my left ear+cheek went numb. My neck still has marks, hurts, but also I feel like I genuinely damaged part of my brain due to the lack of blood flow and it feels awful. I just keep making everything worse without even being able to leave.
I'm sorry for making this post but please help me, I don't know what else to do. Hope you all have a pleasant day)))
I've been suicidal my whole life and have been actively attempting for 3 years now.
I am so desperate to finally be gone but nothing I have tried works for me and it brings me to tears. It is like I am too stupid to do anything right no matter how hard I try!!
What I have tried:
1) Whole big bottle of 80% vodka + whole pill bottle of prescription oxycodone (made sure not to drink water beforehand too)
2) Slitting the throat (it's like the knife I had access to wouldn't even cut, even after sharpening it for hours)
3) Slitting the wrists parallel-wise (I know that is not a method but didn't at the time)
4) Trying to puncture my heart with a knife
5) Injecting air into my chest (aimed for my heart but who knows what happened. I also know now that this is not a good method). I also tried injecting air into the veins in my neck but also didn't do anything at all and I could not locate the vein at all.
Then I started moving onto hanging/suffocation:
6) Partial suspension (was there for about 30 minutes but wouldn't pass out no matter how much pressure I put. Have no access to full suspension aka nothing that could reliably hold my weight).
7) Putting a plastic bag over my head (tried to stay calm but it was extremely difficult because I wouldn't pass out, just lay for a verrryyyy long time, waiting to pass out while the suffocation feeling got worse and worse. I would get impatient because it was so unclear when I would pass out, and if at all. I would begin to worry that I'm doing it wrong and will wake up still alive and with severe brain damage).
8) The pinned "night-night method", which seems so simple but when I did it, I just could not tie the second knot without the first getting loosened. I cant even do that just on a shoe or on my leg. Eventually I made it tight enough that I could hear my heartbeat in my head and feel like there was surely something going on with my blood and veins at the neck and around the head, yet I laid there for 30 minutes just waiting to pass out and never did. The method says you should pass out very quickly (seconds!!) and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong and how to fix it. After a genuine half-hour of laying in bed with my shoelace tied around my neck, I didn't even feel like I was kind of going to pass out. Using my hand, I felt that my left ear and cheek were numb, but I was basically just laying there trying to fall asleep with the pain in order for it to passively work in some way. I began getting worried it wouldn't work (cause it clearly wasn't right and I wasn't passing out), and it was extremely difficult to just lay there and try to fall asleep, not even knowing if this would end or if I would wake up in pain and alive and with brain damage, so I untied the shoelace).
All of these I've tried on numerous occasions and have lost count how much. Attempts never showed any progress. I would often have multiple attempts one after the other, trying to reevaluate where I went wrong and getting desperate for it to work, but nothing works.
----------
I read the pinned methods and can't for the life of me figure out knots or mechanisms or find the veins in my neck, I just can't no matter how hard I try. I have looked at diagrams and read instructions but I just can't tell and can't accurately find it. I am also extremely uncoordinated and clumsy, so I cannot perform any quick actions such as stabbing without almost guaranteeing I miss or use the wrong amount of force (really bad hand-eye coordination and sense of "force" in movement.
So pardon the language, but I'm just too much of a retard idiot bitch baby to be able to do even the simplest things with clear instructions. What do I even do? I wish I just had a firearm but I do not have any access to one and am also registered as a suicide attemptee. There is no way for me to get a firearm, especially because I am in a US state with one of the most strict gun control regulations. I have no car and am also very physically ill so I can't get around much. I just need a way to leave that's at least 99% guaranteed to not leave me alive and brain dead. I've considered rat poison but that can take multiple days to work and might not even work (since I don't know a good lethal amount).
I feel like the more I try, the more brain damage I am accumulating. My most recent attempt was the one where I used a shoelace around my neck and my left ear+cheek went numb. My neck still has marks, hurts, but also I feel like I genuinely damaged part of my brain due to the lack of blood flow and it feels awful. I just keep making everything worse without even being able to leave.
I'm sorry for making this post but please help me, I don't know what else to do. Hope you all have a pleasant day)))
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