Discussion Too lazy/apathetic to create a suicide plan, but not wanting to continue living

[anonymousanguish]

I've been planning how I'll ctb for a while now, but I've reached a point where I just don't care about anything. I've experienced apathy plenty of times before, but it's always been about not wanting to do stuff in regards to participating in life (i.e. school, job, seeing friends, etc.) In this case, however, it just seems like so much work to successfully prepare and execute a suicide plan. I don't have the energy or willpower to figure everything out. I don't know if this will continue to be a problem for me, but has anyone else experienced this type of thing?

Even building up the motivation to make this post has taken a couple of days. I don't know what to do. I need to continue working on letters for various people, and I also have to get all the kinks worked out for successfully going through with it. I've been planning to ctb on my next birthday, which is in about 6 months, so I do have plenty of time to get things figured out. I was just wondering if this is a problem other people have dealt with.

 

[sleeps]

ive been feeling that lately. i want to ctb but don't have the willpower to plan and execute it. and i certainly don't have the willpower to attempt to recover - that shit's even harder. impossibly so. so i'm just kinda stuck here in limbo. hoping each time i fall asleep that i don't wake up, which obviously won't happen.

i suppose i'm just waiting for something to push me over the edge and force me to take action. i absolutely dread whatever that will be.

anyway i feel like i totally get where you are. its an awful place to be. i'm so sorry

 

[niki wonoto]

It's probably depression. Feeling it's all pointless, useless, & hopeless anyway.
I've experienced the same thing. I'm even too tired to just move, except for very little amount energy for browsing in my smartphone or PC, or watching movie randomly or something (other than sleeping of course). Basically just killing time doing nothing 'productive'. But at this point of time, if you've had a deep & long existential depression like me, you'll just say: "fuck being productive, & fuck this society/world, life, existence, & reality". Because it's all pointless/meaningless anyway.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand this, I mean if I had a peaceful exit easily accessible to me I would already be long gone, but the problem is that we live in a world where suicide is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated and requires a lot of planning. To me it's all just so tiring. And it seems as though in this world everything tires me out. It should be easier for us to achieve freedom from this existence that we never asked for without all of the stigma and secrecy and having to worry about methods potentially failing.

 

[theboy]

classic depressive symptom

 

[PressEnterToExit]

I've been planning how I'll ctb for a while now, but I've reached a point where I just don't care about anything. I've experienced apathy plenty of times before, but it's always been about not wanting to do stuff in regards to participating in life (i.e. school, job, seeing friends, etc.) In this case, however, it just seems like so much work to successfully prepare and execute a suicide plan. I don't have the energy or willpower to figure everything out. I don't know if this will continue to be a problem for me, but has anyone else experienced this type of thing?

Even building up the motivation to make this post has taken a couple of days. I don't know what to do. I need to continue working on letters for various people, and I also have to get all the kinks worked out for successfully going through with it. I've been planning to ctb on my next birthday, which is in about 6 months, so I do have plenty of time to get things figured out. I was just wondering if this is a problem other people have dealt with.

I felt like these at many moments of my life, and finally I decided now it's the time to ctb. It's also because to have a plan sometimes takes years, but in my case I think needed more time to be sure.

 

[anonymousanguish]

It's probably depression. Feeling it's all pointless, useless, & hopeless anyway.
I've experienced the same thing. I'm even too tired to just move, except for very little amount energy for browsing in my smartphone or PC, or watching movie randomly or something (other than sleeping of course). Basically just killing time doing nothing 'productive'. But at this point of time, if you've had a deep & long existential depression like me, you'll just say: "fuck being productive, & fuck this society/world, life, existence, & reality". Because it's all pointless/meaningless anyway.

I definitely suffer from existential depression as well. For over 4 years now I've fluctuated from being somewhat able to function to not able to function at all. I realize I have symptoms of depression, and I've been receiving treatment the whole time. I've tried a bunch of stuff (NDRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs, antipsychotics, lithium, vitamins, Adderall, esketamine, ketamine, talk therapy, TMS, accelerated TMS and even ECT). I'm pretty sure that if every depressed person received the kind of care and support that I have then depression and suicide rates would plummet. However, the more treatments I try and the more treatments that fail the more convinced I become that there's nothing medically wrong with me. My despair is simply a natural reaction to how I perceive existence.

I'm still getting treatment, but I've been planning my exit as well because I'm fairly certain there's no other way out of this (I understand that most people would attribute this kind of hopeless mentality to the depression I supposedly suffer from). The issue I'm experiencing now is that I'm having trouble motivating myself to figure out my plan. It just seems like too much work.

Can I ask why you're still here despite believing that everything is so extraordinarily pointless?

 

[niki wonoto]

I definitely suffer from existential depression as well. For over 4 years now I've fluctuated from being somewhat able to function to not able to function at all. I realize I have symptoms of depression, and I've been receiving treatment the whole time. I've tried a bunch of stuff (NDRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs, antipsychotics, lithium, vitamins, Adderall, esketamine, ketamine, talk therapy, TMS, accelerated TMS and even ECT). I'm pretty sure that if every depressed person received the kind of care and support that I have then depression and suicide rates would plummet. However, the more treatments I try and the more treatments that fail the more convinced I become that there's nothing medically wrong with me. My despair is simply a natural reaction to how I perceive existence.

I'm still getting treatment, but I've been planning my exit as well because I'm fairly certain there's no other way out of this (I understand that most people would attribute this kind of hopeless mentality to the depression I supposedly suffer from). The issue I'm experiencing now is that I'm having trouble motivating myself to figure out my plan. It just seems like too much work.

Can I ask why you're still here despite believing that everything is so extraordinarily pointless?

It's simply because I haven't found the 100% sure, easy, painless, & not-so-much-hassle method yet

 

[ph0enix]

omg im so with you… ive been in 3 psychwards, tried almost all meds incl. ketamin,lithium,shroom and every psychiatrist tells me im depressed…

but the harsh reality seems that i just don't want to live. period. it's a mind-set. simple als that. i dunno to what extent i have a free will, but hey what i can day is that there is no will to live inside me.

the comes the limbo mode, apathy, nihilism, not caring about anything, deteriorate — what an awful place

my plan is to exit bag and i bought already stuft for 300€ - this literally is closing the door for recovery full stop

but now im in this limbo mode of existence … somehow don't want to set a date to ctb on the other hand not doing anything to improve or change - solely vegetate… it's a strange existence!

there is this strange ambivalence of wanting to do it yet not planning it

ill try lsd and hope it may aid in giving life meaning or so; like theres this 0,001% chance of recovery…

but it's so naive and will not happen^^

 

[novem]

omg im so with you… ive been in 3 psychwards, tried almost all meds incl. ketamin,lithium,shroom and every psychiatrist tells me im depressed…

but the harsh reality seems that i just don't want to live. period. it's a mind-set. simple als that. i dunno to what extent i have a free will, but hey what i can day is that there is no will to live inside me.

the comes the limbo mode, apathy, nihilism, not caring about anything, deteriorate — what an awful place

my plan is to exit bag and i bought already stuft for 300€ - this literally is closing the door for recovery full stop

but now im in this limbo mode of existence … somehow don't want to set a date to ctb on the other hand not doing anything to improve or change - solely vegetate… it's a strange existence!

there is this strange ambivalence of wanting to do it yet not planning it

ill try lsd and hope it may aid in giving life meaning or so; like theres this 0,001% chance of recovery…

but it's so naive and will not happen^^

LSD may give you a bad trip when you are depressed... i would not count on it.

 

[PressEnterToExit]

I keep on thinking like this everyday to be sincere...I wish I had someone to talk to. I maybe close my account here it's not very helpful. I usually wake up everyday and start smoking weed, after lunch start taking lorazepam. I'm in my bed... I have to clean the house but I can spend weeks without doing it... I have to save money to buy stuff to ctb but I can't save much money since don't work. The fact that I am sure about ctb now makes everything very complicated. I can't find a source of motivation to die....... It doesn't make sense to me cleaning or getting outta of my bed if I'm gonna die soon, but I have to take care of the situation in order to be able to die. It's a fucking circle... So I stay at bed thinking about if there's any possibility for me to stay alive, I do it unconsciously.... I guess it's my survival instinct. But no matter what I think at the end the resolution is the same. It's a horrible situation because you are in a mental state of non wanting doing anything, you just want be sleeping or listening to rain sounds while you get high. And the truth is nothing really matters, let's try to do the little we have to do to ctb and bye. I think we're gonna be in this situation till we day. I've been like this for a decade,having times when I was active or even working, but then came home and get in my bed getting high and wishing to dissapear.

 

[LesbianCarpetPython]

Mhm, I know what you mean. I legit have everything I need but I can't be arsed to bother setting things up

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've been planning how I'll ctb for a while now, but I've reached a point where I just don't care about anything. I've experienced apathy plenty of times before, but it's always been about not wanting to do stuff in regards to participating in life (i.e. school, job, seeing friends, etc.) In this case, however, it just seems like so much work to successfully prepare and execute a suicide plan. I don't have the energy or willpower to figure everything out. I don't know if this will continue to be a problem for me, but has anyone else experienced this type of thing?

Even building up the motivation to make this post has taken a couple of days. I don't know what to do. I need to continue working on letters for various people, and I also have to get all the kinks worked out for successfully going through with it. I've been planning to ctb on my next birthday, which is in about 6 months, so I do have plenty of time to get things figured out. I was just wondering if this is a problem other people have dealt with.

… if I had a bottle of N I might guzzle it - everything else is too much trouble… instead I sleep and watch random stuff on YouTube … dishes piling up, grime on shelves, darkness fading into day then darkness again …. Mind like sludge, my voice a quiet rasp …. My previous life receding