Tonight's the night (or should be)

[fficiallyjawshh]

Let's see how it goes guys . It's a weird feeling knowing I shouldn't exist anymore if all goes as planned . My method is SN if anyone cares . Maybe I'll give a live play by play on how I feel when I take it (like another user recently did) to give everyone a feel of how it goes .

 

[Jean4]

Sending you lots of love. We will be here if you need us.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Sending you lots of love. We will be here if you need us.

Thanks a lot (: Will hopefully keep everyone updated !

 

[Jean4]

Thanks a lot (: Will hopefully keep everyone updated !

Please do. Nobody should be alone.

 

[reapandsow918]

Wishing you a peaceful transition mate

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Please do. Nobody should be alone.

Do I create another thread or just come back to this one ? (Kine of a newbie poster )

 

[Jean4]

Do I create another thread or just come back to this one ? (Kine of a newbie poster )

I would create a goodbye post.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

I would create a goodbye post.

You're right, thanks so much . Well that should be coming sometime later (:

 

[Jean4]

You're right, thanks so much . Well that should be coming sometime later (:

I'm not trying to stop you. Just know it's ok if you aren't ready.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

I'm not trying to stop you. Just know it's ok if you aren't ready.

It's something I know I want to do . And need to do . It just sucks knowing the aftermath of my actions will negatively affect so many people . That part sucks a fucking lot . But I'll manage .

 

[Squiddy]

I wish you peace

 

[Jean4]

It's something I know I want to do . And need to do . It just sucks knowing the aftermath of my actions will negatively affect so many people . That part sucks a fucking lot . But I'll manage .

Do you want to talk about it? Maybe it will help you go more peacefully?

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Do you want to talk about it? Maybe it will help you go more peacefully?

I appreciate your benevolence a lot . I'm honestly not the one to talk about my problems though . Nothing against anyone, I just feel like it's not anyone else's problem to listen to mine y'know lol . But thanks a lot though . You've been very kind .

 

[Jean4]

I appreciate your benevolence a lot . I'm honestly not the one to talk about my problems though . Nothing against anyone, I just feel like it's not anyone else's problem to listen to mine y'know lol . But thanks a lot though . You've been very kind .

No problems. I was a social worker in my previous life. I have save the world syndrome lol.

 

[Moonicide]

Sending you lots of love and wishing you peace.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I wish you the best in whatever you choose. Hope you have a peaceful death. Would you mind telling me if you're doing stat dose or 48 hr regime?

 

[Meant2Die]

Would like to hear a play by play, but understand of course if you're not up for it. Also interested if you are doing stat dose or 48h. In case you don't make a new thread... wishing you luck, peace and love. Hope it's quick and peaceful!

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Would like to hear a play by play, but understand of course if you're not up for it. Also interested if you are doing stat dose or 48h. In case you don't make a new thread... wishing you luck, peace and love. Hope it's quick and peaceful!

Plan on making a goodbye thread where I do a play by play but doing the 48hr regimen ! I'll def try, I know there are people curious and looking for answers so I'll try and deliver (:

 

[Kowahi2310]

I wish you peace.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Do you feel like sharing why you want to CTB? Not trying to help or fix, just curious to understand your pain... **either way all the best to you**

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Do you feel like sharing why you want to CTB? Not trying to help or fix, just curious to understand your pain... **either way all the best to you**

Sure . Tbh there's a lot of self hate . Not for anything I've done as in actions, as in myself . I'm 20, literally the most useless human being ever . I don't drive, not in school, I have a job but it's nothing fancy, I have zero and I legit mean zero motivation to do anything w/my life . I'm such a waste of a human being, which is unfortunate, but I've accepted it at this point . Been suicidal since I was younger (8th grade) and I've finally done enough research and gathered my materials to see it through . All I do (to myself lol, not to others) is bitch and moan about my life and my hate for myself and how much I wanna die and I'm finally gonna go through w/it so I can finally shut the fuck up and let everyone be . I'm an inconvenience to literally everyone, friends and family, and it's just time I finally do what I should have done in high school .

That was extremely rambly and all over the place and worded the best and I'm sorry lol .

 

[Nem]

All the best
peace/hugs

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Sure . Tbh there's a lot of self hate . Not for anything I've done as in actions, as in myself . I'm 20, literally the most useless human being ever . I don't drive, not in school, I have a job but it's nothing fancy, I have zero and I legit mean zero motivation to do anything w/my life . I'm such a waste of a human being, which is unfortunate, but I've accepted it at this point . Been suicidal since I was younger (8th grade) and I've finally done enough research and gathered my materials to see it through . All I do (to myself lol, not to others) is bitch and moan about my life and my hate for myself and how much I wanna die and I'm finally gonna go through w/it so I can finally shut the fuck up and let everyone be . I'm an inconvenience to literally everyone, friends and family, and it's just time I finally do what I should have done in high school .

That was extremely rambly and all over the place and worded the best and I'm sorry lol .

No worries and don't be sorry. Have you considered that you just had a crappy childhood with crappy parental guidance and that you could possibly thrive once you out from under them? Have you tried counseling or meds? Do you live alone?

 

[MissNietzsche]

Do you know what time you're ctb'ing? You sound really similar to me, and I wasn't to make sure I'm watching the thread

No worries and don't be sorry. Have you considered that you just had a crappy childhood with crappy parental guidance and that you could possibly thrive once you out from under them? Have you tried counseling or meds? Do you live alone?

not OP, but crappy parenting can fuck you up for life..long past moving out

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

not OP, but crappy parenting can fuck you up for life..long past moving out

I understand that. Thank you.

A person has a better chance of working through a situation once they're out from under it, than when they're in it. Its just difficult to see it while in it.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

No worries and don't be sorry. Have you considered that you just had a crappy childhood with crappy parental guidance and that you could possibly thrive once you out from under them? Have you tried counseling or meds? Do you live alone?

The crazy part is I had a pretty good childhood . Pretty good life actually . My external conditions aren't bad, like at all . Never really were . It's allllll internally, it's me . I'm the problem . Which I know isn't always standard but yeah it's strange . I think about that too, but it's just a me thing . No counseling, I hate talking about my problems to other people bc I hate wasting people's time hearing me bitch about my shitty life and mental space . It's not and never will be anyone else's problem you know :/ no meds either . I'm really good at hiding how shitty I feel all the time . No one in my real life knows that much . They wouldn't have known at all if it weren't for an incident last year but I digress . I'm great at acting okay . And lastly no, I do not live alone which sucks but it is what it is . I don't plan to do it at my house actually .

Do you know what time you're ctb'ing? You sound really similar to me, and I wasn't to make sure I'm watching the thread


not OP, but crappy parenting can fuck you up for life..long past moving out

Uhhh no sure yet... I live in Georgia so it gets dark about 5:30 but it's Saturday and it'll be busy outside till late . I dunno truthfully haha . Not yet at least, but I can say sometime during nightfall .

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Do you know what time you're ctb'ing? You sound really similar to me, and I wasn't to make sure I'm watching the thread


not OP, but crappy parenting can fuck you up for life..long past moving out

Ik this wasn't directed toward me but my parents were great . Honestly . That's why I feel bad bc I know my mom is going to place some of the blame on herself (she did when she thought I attempted this before) and it's hard to stress to her that she has literally ZERO hand in this . No one does . It's all me . But no matter how much you tell people something ultimately they're going to feel how they feel and I hate that about this .

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

If you decide you want to chat post. If not I wish you strength and a peaceful exit

Ik this wasn't directed toward me but my parents were great . Honestly . That's why I feel bad bc I know my mom is going to place some of the blame on herself (she did when she thought I attempted this before) and it's hard to stress to her that she has literally ZERO hand in this . No one does . It's all me . But no matter how much you tell people something ultimately they're going to feel how they feel and I hate that about this .

Do you have a father or strong male role model in your life? Are your parents "healthy" in all sense of the word?

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

If you decide you want to chat post. If not I wish you strength and a peaceful exit



Do you have a father or strong male role model in your life? Are your parents "healthy" in all sense of the word?

My dad lives in NY, has since I was a wee little tot . We didn't get along when I was younger, we talk every so often now but essentially no . I don't have a strong male role model . Don't think I have a role model at all tbh . And despite them being divorced both are happy and okay !

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I know how it feels to act. Even the most successful people are walking around with "imposter syndrome" despite what they portray. Imagine you claiming you are worthless suffering from the same feelings CEOs suffer from... Humans are all the same despite the distance you see and feel between yourself and others.

My dad lives in NY, has since I was a wee little tot . We didn't get along when I was younger, we talk every so often now but essentially no . I don't have a strong male role model . Don't think I have a role model at all tbh . And despite them being divorced both are happy and okay !

The fact that your father was not around can be contributing to your sense of worthlessness, even though he did not do anything that you see as horrible and deficient. And despite how much your mom or other female caregivers did to supplement, it is rarely enough to rear a male child into full manhood.

You may not be interested in doing so but I think you could benefit from talking to a male therapist about your feelings.

1. They will give you unbiased opinions
2. Provide insight and support from a male perspective that you may not readily see
3. Experience some form of relief and heightened sense of self worth having someone listen to your problems and validate them (as opposed you belittling yourself thinking you are whining and your problems dont matter. I suspect others have reinforced this view which is why you are comfortable with it.)