Tonight, I eat my last meal. Tomorrow, I stop eating. (VSED)

[rozeske]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your support. I started the eating process very carefully last night. Due to my past experiences of being underfed in early childhood, going through phases of not eating, intermittent fasting etc. I learned to be slow and cautious the hard and painful way.

I will share what I did in case this helps anyone else who needs to eat after a prolonged period:

I took some supplements first (electrolytes and B vitamins, which I already had on hand because before doing this, I took various supplements daily) and waited about half an hour.

Then I made some cucumber and celery juice (strained), with a hint of lime. Cucumber and celery is really good for you and a good source of vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. A short while after that I had 100ml of coconut water. It's best to have a small amount to avoid having too much sugar.

Finally, I had a few chunks of watermelon, being careful to chew very thoroughly.

Since then, I've been eating low carb, low sugar fruits and vegetables with a high water content such as watermelon, aubergine, cucumber etc. Going to try a little bit of kefir shortly.

No big meals (though I avoid large meals anyway in general) and still very low in calories for now. I'm going to try to introduce some avocado (mashed into a paste) and egg later. If that goes well I'll try to introduce beans, wholegrain rice etc in a couple of days. I've also stocked up on a few simple soups.

No seriously adverse effects so far. I struggle with gastrointestinal issues and chronic IBS so expect that will flare up no matter what I do because I was never able to eliminate it despite doing everything I could. So I'm anticipating some uncomfortable symptoms anyway, but still being cautious.

Online, there's lots of recommendations for what to eat or not eat after not consuming food for a prolonged period. I stuck to ingredients readily accessible that could be easily ordered for online delivery from a local supermarket, and that don't involve too much food preparation (due to my disabilities and chronic fatigue).

Good luck in your back to norm journey love, glad to hear you are taking wise precautions and taking it easy, don't suffer any more than you already are. Hope it all goes well and to your liking

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately, my gastrointestinal issues are awful already and have resumed with a vengeance, despite being so careful.

Not having food didn't completely eliminate my IBS but did make it more bearable, and helped alleviate some symptoms. My horrible IBS is one of the reasons I'd go long periods without eating sometimes, not wanting to consume anything because any food at all just aggravates it. Even more so when reintroducing foods.

I'm sorely tempted to fast again, but to do a soup and broth fast instead of a complete water fast. So I could still have soup or broth early in the day to provide some source of nutrition and prevent certain symptoms occurring as a consequence of not eating, and that's it. Then switch back to water fasting when my SN arrives, or VSED again if it doesn't.

 

[mortuarymary]

How you feeling today.

 

[thinvy]

I've been thinking about you this past week. while I'm sad to hear that you felt bad about having to stop vsed, I'm glad to hear that youre pacing yourself and that nothing too awful happened. I'm not gonna lie, if it were me, the heart stuff wouldve had me panicking. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but it's good that you got one of your bucket list items ticked off!

hope all is going as well as it can be for you, love letter. I'm especially hoping that your SN arrives before too much longer, and that your transition goes easily.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Quick update because I'm extremely surprised:

My SN from MDS is here. It made it through customs. I hid it but will need to brainstorm a better hiding spot. Not sure where to put it, in case my property gets searched.

I'm in shock. Not only did it get through, it arrived earlier than estimated.

A bit worried I'll have a welfare check from authorities and where I live, they do not require a warrant to enter and search if they suspect I'm going to take my life. I'm also a terrible liar.

Now just need to pluck up the courage to take it.

(Note: I'm not willing to give out this source. Please don't ask. I myself didn't ask for information about MDS and found it after searching online. It took a while, but did find it.)

 

[rozeske]

Quick update because I'm extremely surprised:

My SN from MDS is here. It made it through customs. I hid it but will need to brainstorm a better hiding spot. Not sure where to put it, in case my property gets searched.

I'm in shock. Not only did it get through, it arrived earlier than estimated.

A bit worried I'll have a welfare check from authorities and where I live, they do not require a warrant to enter and search if they suspect I'm going to take my life. I'm also a terrible liar.

Now just need to pluck up the courage to take it.

(Note: I'm not willing to give out this source. Please don't ask. I myself didn't ask for information about MDS and found it after searching online. It took a while, but did find it.)

Yay! Oh am so happy for you! Am glad everything worked out and finally reached in your hands. Sorry I don't have any advice for you regarding the welfare check but I hope it won't create problems for you. All the best and I hope you find your peace whatever you decide to do with it

 

[LastLoveLetter]

How you feeling today.

In pain and IBS is awful but managing as best as I can. Thank you for checking in. How are you doing?

I've been thinking about you this past week. while I'm sad to hear that you felt bad about having to stop vsed, I'm glad to hear that youre pacing yourself and that nothing too awful happened. I'm not gonna lie, if it were me, the heart stuff wouldve had me panicking. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but it's good that you got one of your bucket list items ticked off!

hope all is going as well as it can be for you, love letter. I'm especially hoping that your SN arrives before too much longer, and that your transition goes easily.

Thank you, I appreciate that. The heart symptoms were a bit scary, but chose to push through them, though they were perhaps an early warning sign that VSED is just not the right method for me. I'm used to getting chest pains but these were distinctly different from the usual, sharp chest pains I experience.

Thank you for thinking of me. My SN has arrived today, so it's such a relief to know I now have another, better option.

Yay! Oh am so happy for you! Am glad everything worked out and finally reached in your hands. Sorry I don't have any advice for you regarding the welfare check but I hope it won't create problems for you. All the best and I hope you find your peace whatever you decide to do with it

Thank you, I appreciate that and your continued support.

It upsets me that the SN clampdown by authorities actually makes me feel pressured to take my SN as quickly as possible, instead of making preparations and doing things at my own pace on my own terms.

Ideally, I need extra time to sort out a few more affairs beforehand to not leave a mess for someone else to sort out. There's also a couple more things on my bucket list.

But now feel like I have to kill myself swiftly, before it potentially gets taken away. It's wrong, and I wish people understood that confiscating a substance isn't the answer. Last time my SN got taken away, it only made everything worse and caused utter desperation, as having it brought a sense of assurance and security, knowing I always had that option available in my grasp.

Now, I only feel fear and uncertainty, knowing the authorities could arrive and search my property anytime. I'm scared of taking it (even though I want to go), and scared of not taking it. This is not how things ought to be for us.

 

[bipolar22]

just wanted to share i recently been hospitalized for low potassium since i was too depressed to eat for weeks also gastritis. Worst tachycardia, weakness, I could barely make it to the toilet, few bouts of afib with shortness of breath and terror for hours so the paramedics had to come and inject me a beta blocker.
horrible way to go.
hope your ibs will get a bit better soon.

 

[UltraRareSlinky]

i hope you will find peace. you will be missed

 

[rozeske]

now feel like I have to kill myself swiftly, before it potentially gets taken away.

Am really sorry you are pressured to feel this way. Ctb decision should be made calmly once we feel truly ready. I hate that you feel cornered into doing it quick. This might be a stupid suggestion but is there a way to disguise it and keep it with a trusted person or... I don't know burry it somewhere? Anything you can do other than being forced into rushing through your decision?

 

[PoorYorick]

I'm upset to have to stop

Maybe I'll say something stupid again, but it's only me. I am happy you're alive and I have even more respect to you now. It must have been very difficult to give up and get back to normal. You are a very strong and positive person. You're definitely going to make many people less unhappier than they are. And that makes the world better.

In general, there are many things one can learn on this site, on how to care about others and treat them in a really friendly and respectful way.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Quick update because I'm extremely surprised:

My SN from MDS is here. It made it through customs. I hid it but will need to brainstorm a better hiding spot. Not sure where to put it, in case my property gets searched.

I'm in shock. Not only did it get through, it arrived earlier than estimated.

A bit worried I'll have a welfare check from authorities and where I live, they do not require a warrant to enter and search if they suspect I'm going to take my life. I'm also a terrible liar.

Now just need to pluck up the courage to take it.

(Note: I'm not willing to give out this source. Please don't ask. I myself didn't ask for information about MDS and found it after searching online. It took a while, but did find it.)

Thanks for the update @LastLoveLetter ! Glad to hear of the good, no great & wonderful news on or of / your sn~ arriving... :) Now, I have not thought about this for any more than the 2 or 3 seconds ago in which it popped into my head. So, just "keep that in mind!" But I'm wondering if this is the sort of thing that you could possibly store/or 'hide,' in a safety-security lock-box at the bank? Or if there would be some rule/regulation/reason, as to why this would not be a viable option. That way, if & when they come knocking, you'll be telling them the truth. That you don't have it on your possession. Tell them what ever you'd like. A friend came & confiscated it, when you were sounding like you were going to impulsively take it late on evening when in an unstable frame of mind. And she only told you that she'd gotten rid of / or disposed of it. . . Anyway? Wishing you all the best~ ;) peace! raat :D

 

[Silent_cries]

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I'll still most likely be on the site, just not actively posting about VSED or my circumstances any longer. Since I'm too ill and fatigued to do much else to distract myself, and I'm very isolated, it's hard to simply stop logging in. But I don't want to shout into a void or be a spectacle either.



Thank you, that's very touching to read. It's impossible for me to consider myself an inspiration of any kind, but am truly touched you feel that. I am glad that I was able to make you feel truly understood, especially since you hadn't encountered others who did. Your posts resonated with me deeply and greatly appreciated you taking the time to write them and share some of your circumstances with me.

I appreciated and valued you understanding me as well, it meant a lot. Often, I wish I had someone who understood me on that level in my life. But at the same time, I've found that for someone to truly "get it", they have to live through it themselves. And I wish no-one had to live through that pain and deterioration. So while I'm grateful to have crossed paths with you and for your understanding, I'm also sorry that you do get it.

It's strange how fasting has such variable effects. A part of me hopes that my cognition will fade, in hopes that those final days will be a blur and pass with relative ease. Thank you.



I genuinely appreciate your concern for me, thank you. I know you're saying this because you care. Unfortunately, my options are very limited.

I understand this method is risky and often not successful, and could have serious consequences should it fail. I'm hoping that my SN will arrive in the next week or so, as I'll then be able to switch to a swifter option. I'm too physically impaired for something like hanging, inert gas tanks etc. It needs to be readily accessible, not too expensive and not involve any physical strength or dexterity. And sadly, VSED is one of the very few methods that fulfils every criteria.

My first choice would have been N or a voluntary euthanasia clinic, but neither of those are options unfortunately.

I had seriously considered jumping, but couldn't physically travel to where I wanted to jump from (Beachy Head) or anywhere closer with sufficient height. I considered laying my neck on the train tracks, but don't think I could cope with the guilt of going through with that.

Thank you for always being kind to me.

---

Want to clarify separately as it's kind of a tangent: The above is not a judgement towards anyone else who does decide to ctb by train. That and other public methods are quite often a final resort and act of utter desperation. And I don't feel comfortable judging someone who suffers so much and feels so desperate that their only option is to jump in front of a train or jump off a tall building. Heck, I know how that utter desperation feels.

However, I've also witnessed death personally firsthand and understand how it can stay with people, haunt them. I appreciate that no matter what I do, I'm leaving a body behind and someone's going to have to see it. Someone might get traumatised. But deliberately chose a method that I hope will minimise that a little bit, alongside taking other precautions.

Are you willing to share your ctb date, or are you intending to keep that private too? You don't have to say if you don't want to, I'm just curious tbh, but I respect your privacy by any means! We can dm too if that's better for you, but it's all up to you *^^* Anyway I just wanted to say goodbye, I'll ctb soon too tbh. Rest In Peace <3

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I missed some responses I realise, so thanks to people who've added some recent replies. I'm commenting to remind myself to come back to this really soon. The site is a little glitchy on my end at the moment, so having trouble loading pages properly. But will definitely come back to this and get back to people who have left comments recently. Thank you ♡

 

[Silent_cries]

I missed some responses I realise, so thanks to people who've added some recent replies. I'm commenting to remind myself to come back to this really soon. The site is a little glitchy on my end at the moment, so having trouble loading pages properly. But will definitely come back to this and get back to people who have left comments recently. Thank you ♡

Take your time :) Looks like I get the chance to say goodbye to you after all, yay! I do hope you get freed from your suffering eventually though. I'm glad I get to talk to you one last time at least before one or both of us are gone. Hopefully both <3

I missed some responses I realise, so thanks to people who've added some recent replies. I'm commenting to remind myself to come back to this really soon. The site is a little glitchy on my end at the moment, so having trouble loading pages properly. But will definitely come back to this and get back to people who have left comments recently. Thank you ♡

Take your time :) Looks like I get the chance to say goodbye to you after all, yay! I do hope you get freed from your suffering eventually though. I'm glad I get to talk to you one last time at least before one or both of us are gone. Hopefully both <3
Wth, why did it post twice lol?