45ready2ctb
Member
- Sep 21, 2018
- 23
So I had been planning on going out in style of sorts- booked one way first class air ticket to another city for last weekend...and nixed it just in time for refund on air. Was going to take SN in a fancy hotel far away from home. Changed plans while dropping our youngest child off to school day I was set to take off. Thought maybe things could get better. Maybe a switch in meds would magically help level off the anxiety & depression that had kicked into high gear after learning my spouse was in a blossoming relationship with another.
Things only get worse and each day is more painful than the next. The level of indifference displayed by spouse is palpable. My heart longed for huge displays of affection and regret. Passion too. I feel so incredibly lonely. I fought so hard to overcome cancer and all for what? Drudgery day after day. Pain- physical, emotional and mental. Things I used to look forward to are nothing anymore.
All I can see if continued anxiety over my health (every symptom could be signs of recurrence) and sharing a house with a roommate who feels like a stranger. I've lost my best friend in him...and all the respect I had for who I thought he was.
I'm so incredibly tired. I keep looking for things to make me feel better- even buying drugs to spark euphoria off of darkweb. Nothing helps. Nothing changes.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I'm thinking of just going through with it tomorrow at home. I have sodium nitrite handy, along with anti-emetics and tagamet. I don't want to be alone in a strange place. I want to be in my bed with our dogs close. I'll schedule an email to go out to my spouse so he can alert police and get here before any of our kids are back home so no one but him will see my dead body.
Anyone else planning on ctb tomorrow or sometime this week?
Things only get worse and each day is more painful than the next. The level of indifference displayed by spouse is palpable. My heart longed for huge displays of affection and regret. Passion too. I feel so incredibly lonely. I fought so hard to overcome cancer and all for what? Drudgery day after day. Pain- physical, emotional and mental. Things I used to look forward to are nothing anymore.
All I can see if continued anxiety over my health (every symptom could be signs of recurrence) and sharing a house with a roommate who feels like a stranger. I've lost my best friend in him...and all the respect I had for who I thought he was.
I'm so incredibly tired. I keep looking for things to make me feel better- even buying drugs to spark euphoria off of darkweb. Nothing helps. Nothing changes.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I'm thinking of just going through with it tomorrow at home. I have sodium nitrite handy, along with anti-emetics and tagamet. I don't want to be alone in a strange place. I want to be in my bed with our dogs close. I'll schedule an email to go out to my spouse so he can alert police and get here before any of our kids are back home so no one but him will see my dead body.
Anyone else planning on ctb tomorrow or sometime this week?
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