Do you become numb, bitter and cynical (a worse human) by envisioning and planning your suicide on a daily basis?

[noname223]

I texted with many people who wanted to show support for going to this clinic stay tomorrow. Honestly I think suicide was the more rational conclusion maybe I will do this when college starts. I rather kill myself than to go there again.
I had one argument with a bipolar woman today. She wants to become therapist and she told me she does not want to text me about suicide in the past. However, our argument escalated and I brought up the topic. She has the standard psychiatry platitudes that just annoy me. But she is still quite smart.
I despised myself to have violated this rule. I apologized to her and told her how much I despie myself for not respecting her boundaries on this issue. I told her that planning and envisioning my suicide in detail every single day makes me a bitter and cynical person. That I am so sick that I am such a bitter and cynical person and how much I hate myself for it. I am becoming less empathetic because I am so used to this extreme pain. I am just so used to it. I don't know. I hate myself. She accepted my apology but also said to me that she dislikes to listen to my extreme self-loathing. Honestly, it became pretty extreme and I cried later. I despise myself. I would like to kill myself for it. However, rationally I am probably not that much of a horrible person. This is one of the few instances where rationality and objectivity is in my favor.

 

[sserafim]

I become numb and apathetic because I'm going to ctb anyways. I honestly don't care about anything. Nothing matters to me. My mom says I should have a backup plan for my life though in case I don't ctb, but I really believe that my life is not worth living. I don't have the energy to make a plan B for my life

 

[vitalism]

I become numb and apathetic because I'm going to ctb anyways. I honestly don't care about anything. Nothing matters to me. My mom says I should have a backup plan for my life though in case I don't ctb, but I really believe that my life is not worth living. I don't have the energy to make a plan B for my life

I feel similar but I'm scared of what will happen if I don't ctb due to failed attempt or failure to acquire the proper materials ... aren't you?

 

[divinemistress36]

Honestly ya I'm loosing my empathy as time goes on except for other fellow suicidal people I feel the empathy strong with them everyone else no and a part of me doesn't care anymore. It's amazing how other mentally ill people dismiss how we feel . I have a bipolar friend who refuses to acknowledge that I can't get better

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I texted with many people who wanted to show support for going to this clinic stay tomorrow. Honestly I think suicide was the more rational conclusion maybe I will do this when college starts. I rather kill myself than to go there again.
I had one argument with a bipolar woman today. She wants to become therapist and she told me she does not want to text me about suicide in the past. However, our argument escalated and I brought up the topic. She has the standard psychiatry platitudes that just annoy me. But she is still quite smart.
I despised myself to have violated this rule. I apologized to her and told her how much I despie myself for not respecting her boundaries on this issue. I told her that planning and envisioning my suicide in detail every single day makes me a bitter and cynical person. That I am so sick that I am such a bitter and cynical person and how much I hate myself for it. I am becoming less empathetic because I am so used to this extreme pain. I am just so used to it. I don't know. I hate myself. She accepted my apology but also said to me that she dislikes to listen to my extreme self-loathing. Honestly, it became pretty extreme and I cried later. I despise myself. I would like to kill myself for it. However, rationally I am probably not that much of a horrible person. This is one of the few instances where rationality and objectivity is in my favor.

I think that makes sense in some situations. The way I experienced it was a gradual grind away until there was nothing left. The people pleasing (from autism/trauma) just made it much worse because if that constant wasn't there, there wouldn't as many detrimental life events. Partner leaving was the last part of me that it completely got dissolved, crushed, eviscerated, nuked. I'm not sure if this counts but I only have that capacity for animals. I don't know whether it's because they have been in similar situations (abuse, neglect, etc) but it's there. With my dog this isn't the case but I've had her since she was a Puppy and holding her in my arms and she was small enough to sit on my lap. Obviously she's much larger now and will curl up in between my legs (because she's sees it as a bed).
The other small part is people here but again like the animals I think it's because of a common issue or similar circumstance. I used to be a bit of a stone emotional but since my partner left and the business went to crap and all this stuff I've just been silently crying and my right temple is pounding all the time now. Some weird part of me wants to come here just to see the people who I've been chatting to are still here. It's just you can't have a hand shake or hug or nothing. It's just reading text off a screen.

 

[sserafim]

I feel similar but I'm scared of what will happen if I don't ctb due to failed attempt or failure to acquire the proper materials ... aren't you?

I'm scared of a failed attempt. That's why I've been putting it off. I might end up never attempting and being forced to live out the rest of my life (even though I don't want to)

 

[Ksmиda]

I have definitely become more tense and on edge since starting to prepare my ctb plans. I think it's because of the nervousness of something going wrong or being found out. I'm also a lot less patient and calm from planning ctb, I can't help it - it feels so hard to stay calm knowing that one tiny thing could ruin my whole plan and force me to live longer than I want. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's just depression (irritability is a side effect).

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

Antidepressants have made me an emotionally flat human being. But if I stop taking antidepressants I end up with anxiety attacks that make me think about CTBing impulsively...

Nothing seems to change my mind. My mind is so clouded that all I think about is my ultimate fate...

I have no hope of having a peaceful mind...

Everything has become boring for me and I am not able to experience new sensations...

My dreams have been ruined...

There's no point in me staying alive if I am already dead inside. I feel like a zombie who must follow the same path as society...

Nobody can light the stars in my sky, my dark sky....

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I have definitely become more tense and on edge since starting to prepare my ctb plans. I think it's because of the nervousness of something going wrong or being found out. I'm also a lot less patient and calm from planning ctb, I can't help it - it feels so hard to stay calm knowing that one tiny thing could ruin my whole plan and force me to live longer than I want. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's just depression (irritability is a side effect).

Yeah, don't know if it's my life which is financially stressful, my ADHD + autism, if I'm depressed or in burnout from toxic work.

Some days I think I feel absolutely giddy at the idea of less than a year I'll have done enough research on methods and wrapping things up to finally have the release and freedom from autistic pain.

But I worry about something going wrong. I have some health challenges that are causing brain fog. It's minor stuff right now - forgetting to close a window when I leave, putting things in the wrong drawers, forgetting basic routine. I don't immediately think it's Alzheimer's - it's partly neurodivergence and also the health hormonal problems. But I worry that I won't be rational enough to go through with it or fail and end up paralyzed.

I don't want to return to my home town with family, where I will have NO time to research CTB. So I am forced to 'look for work' and burn through what little savings I have when i've given up being here. I'm trapped between world and feel cursed. I wish there were a group of us together in person to figure it out. I'm obsessed not only with CTB now but the idea I could find a group and we all go together.

I have no friends here and my body and brain hate me. I just wish I had a few at the end of my life to make up for the fact I've only had a handful of times where I felt I had friends. I'm a dead evaporating ghost. I am walking nothingness. Whoosh, a nothing

 

[anonymousbookreader]

I don't think I become bitter and cynical from planning. I become bitter and cynical from remaining alive. Planning had put me into a world of carefree joy. I became better because I didn't have to worry about certain things anymore. The feelings I had were there prior to and regardless of planning.

 

[Ouiouirikiki]

Hey all new here. But yes the longer my stretch of thinking on acting or methods etc. Im already numb. Or mad with rage. But the more ppl I am with on a daily basis. Have gotten allot of pms that there lives won't be the same because of the pressure it causes. You transform from numb to a half numb/idgaf state. No smoking inside? Well maybe that time you will etc. this is why I'm finding this community. To reduce the collateral domage

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm definitely more selfish for being suicidal. I don't want to see people and I won't. Partly though, that's to protect them as much as it is me. It's almost guaranteed I'll be in tears at some stage and I doubt I'd be able to hide that things aren't at all good and then- they'd likely worry and feel obliged to try and help. The most altruistic thing would be to continue as normal (ish) and create some happy memories but I'm not a good actor. I'm not strong enough for all that either.

I guess I'm curious as to why you want to discuss it with people. Do you hope that they'll reassure you that it's an ok thing to do or, are you hoping they'll come up with a way out of these thoughts?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's life and other people that have made me bitter and cynical.

But yes, there are some aspects about the circumstances I will die in that I find regrettable, but that's what happens when you are forced to end your suffering in the shadows.

 

[Hotsackage]

Being under constant mental torture is like being ripped apart slowly by a blackhole

 

[willitpass]

I'm very numb and bitter. I've gone numb to the pain I will cause people when I leave because after spending more than a decade thinking about the pain it will cause them when I ctb I simply no longer have the space for it. It's too much to think about. I'm bitter that the world has dealt me this hand. I get angry when people try to help me because I hate having to tell people that I just can't be helped anymore, especially when they don't want to listen to me about it. The only thing I still have is empathy for others suffering. Beyond that I feel my views are all horribly bleak, especially in regards to myself.

 

[noname223]

I'm definitely more selfish for being suicidal. I don't want to see people and I won't. Partly though, that's to protect them as much as it is me. It's almost guaranteed I'll be in tears at some stage and I doubt I'd be able to hide that things aren't at all good and then- they'd likely worry and feel obliged to try and help. The most altruistic thing would be to continue as normal (ish) and create some happy memories but I'm not a good actor. I'm not strong enough for all that either.

I guess I'm curious as to why you want to discuss it with people. Do you hope that they'll reassure you that it's an ok thing to do or, are you hoping they'll come up with a way out of these thoughts?

I just want to know whether I am the only fuck up. In real life I barely meet people in a similar bad condition. Or at least the people are pretty good at hiding.

 

[mainlanders_son]

Anhedonia made me a worse person. CTB is just a side effect of the pleasureless existence.

 

[unabletocope]

Nope, more focused maybe

 

[F@#$]

I'm already a horrible person. Planning my death surely can't make me any worse.

 

[justlikeus]

It is really important to me that others are not harmed. For example, it pains me immensely that people use animals as a source of products. But since I am sure that suicide is good and life is a harm, I wish death on most people I know. Not because I wish them ill, but because I think it would be in their best interests. Of course, I wouldn't impose this decision on them, but I feel sorry for them because I think they are only alive because they can't let others down. And that can create a circle in which suffering people are only alive because of someone else.