why i still dont want to do anything?

[spring vainglory]

i have a job now, my first day was a couple days ago even. it's something i actually want to work too. being unemployed was the main cause of my despair. i used to get overwhelming attacks of despair, but those aren't happening anymore. but i'm still sad. i still cry even when i haven't had a bad day. i thought i would be fine once the despair went away.

spring is my favorite season and cherry blossom is my favorite flower, theyre in full effect right now, but i just dont want to go outside. i still dont feel like it. i can hear the birdsong out the window, see the beautiful blue sky, it's warm enough to open the window all night, i have people to go hang out with too, and i just want to stay in bed. i dont even like the place i'm living, i hate looking at these walls. but i love outside!!! i love being with friends! i don't understand! everything should be making me yearn to be out there! but nothing actually is.

maybe its because im lonely, but usually when i'm lonely i'm yearning to go outside and be with people. maybe my heart feels being with people isnt going to make me feel any less lonely. the last time i tried to reach out and tell my friend ive been feeling neglected, he went and revoked an invitation he just gave me after finding out im still broke.

if i don't seize the day now, cherry blossom will be gone and spring will be over. i don't want to miss it this time, but id still rather sleep all day. what do i do?? how do i feel better?? nothing feels as good as sleep and kissing my boyfriend, but i wont even be able to see him for another two months...

 

[wildflowers1996]

it sounds like you maybe don't have enough people around you who you feel you connect with - maybe if you tried a friendship app you could meet people you have things in common with? x

 

[errorsinmypast]

Congratulations on your new job I hope you love it.

Regarding feeling better, could you indulge in your favourite food or do some exercise, I've been swimming lately despite hating getting my body into a costume and it really does lift my low mood. It doesn't eliminate the sadness but there is some temporary relief. Maybe you could think of your favourite way to get the heart pumping and do that for a short time. Or maybe even go sit under a cherry blossom tree and read your favourite book or listen to some tunes that make your heart happy

 

[whywere]

I agree with @wildflowers1996 and to me it sounds if you might benefit from friends and folks who have the same interests and desires. One aspect that I really miss is sitting on a beach in Hawai'i holding hands and watching the sun set beyond the waves.

Walter

 

[spring vainglory]

it sounds like you maybe don't have enough people around you who you feel you connect with - maybe if you tried a friendship app you could meet people you have things in common with? x

I agree with @wildflowers1996 and to me it sounds if you might benefit from friends and folks who have the same interests and desires. One aspect that I really miss is sitting on a beach in Hawai'i holding hands and watching the sun set beyond the waves.

Walter

the thing is, i do have people who share interest with. i have so so many people i like and who like me who i can hang out with and have fun. but it just feels like it doesnt matter, or i dont care, or something... being with them doesnt feel amazing like it used to. i still feel empty even when im hanging out with friends i have a connection with.

none of them really care about me, i know it. if they did care, they would do the reaching out, and not make me do it every single time. not like my bf, hes the only one who truly cares. i dont miss anyone but him, i dont want to be around anyone but him. none of them love me like he loves me.

and i have so many friends, no matter how many friends i make i'm perpetually reaching out and texting first. there's no point anymore to making more friends if it just going to always be like this.

Congratulations on your new job I hope you love it.

Regarding feeling better, could you indulge in your favourite food or do some exercise, I've been swimming lately despite hating getting my body into a costume and it really does lift my low mood. It doesn't eliminate the sadness but there is some temporary relief. Maybe you could think of your favourite way to get the heart pumping and do that for a short time. Or maybe even go sit under a cherry blossom tree and read your favourite book or listen to some tunes that make your heart happy

these are really good ideas, maybe ill try...

its just that nothing feels as good as sleep and sex, everything else just doesn't feel good. and i loathe going outside just to be alone, it always makes me feel worse. so even sitting under a cherry tree by myself to read or listen to music sounds dreadful. not to mention how my living situation makes me hate getting dressed to go outside. i dont even have the money yet for my favorite food.

 

[Softwind]

I think you should try going outside, even if it's scary and you don't feel like it. I also dreaded going outside after isolating for a while and I also felt really tired when I briefly had to leave, but after going out more frequently I didn't mind as much.
Also if you feel lonely, maybe you could join a photography or cherry blossom viewing group online, that way after you go see the cherry trees you could tell them how it was, share any pics you took, etc