jinx <3
💮she/her🏳️⚧️
- Apr 12, 2023
- 65
Hi, I've never actually posted before but this felt like the perfect opportunity to share.
So I recently started college and was not expecting to make any friends at all. I'm trans but I don't remotely pass and I'm anxious and depressed most of the time. I was shocked and then overwhelmingly happy when I actually met someone who was putting in the effort to be my friend on just my second day. This sounds cheesy but seriously I've smiled more in these first few weeks of college than the rest of my life. He is also trans and relates to so much of what I've gone through, even though I'm not a trans dude. So yeah, he has been my closest ever friend and I just met him.
And then I planned my death (in the same way I tried and failed to do months ago) for today. I constantly have suicidal thoughts because of anxiety about everything, mostly college or job related. I was just feeling so overwhelmed by the things that I percieved as big deals when I can't even remember half of them now. Anyway, I was on campus (I commute) and hanging in his dorm (I spend a lot of time in his dorm or with him, I even sleep over often as he has a double room but no roommate) when I realized this was supposed to be (according to my ctb plan) the last time that I ever saw him. I was so conflicted, but I told him (over text because anxiety lol; we were in the same room) that I couldn't guarantee I'd not kill myself if I went home the next day (today). He already knew that I had attemped previously, so not all of this was a shock but still. He comforted me in a way that didn't invalidate me at all (he's gone through it too) and I think he's coming home with me tonight to take my SN, which feels scary still but I know that he genuinely cares and that this is probably for the best. I'm gonna try to get on medication soon but it might be a while. He asked me if I could last just three months to give medication a try and I have to at least put in an effort. I don't know how that'll go, and I've told him as much, but he seems to believe in me so there's that.
I want to include the message that I sent him over text, even though we talked about it more afterword, because it's a condensed version of what I was going through, and I think I worded it well? Anyway, here:
feeling very suicidal rn, have been for the past week. i would say im scared that ill kill myself, but no part of me doesnt want it and that part scares me. idk why, i dont even feel bad, i just need to die? like really bad, i feel like im already dead, just waiting for others to find the body. i feel like this before i attempt (i do have a plan, btw) and i didnt even want to tell you for fear that i would still go through with it and hurt you.
Anyway thank you so much for reading this, I wasn't sure if it was worth sharing, and I don't want to make it sound like this is always the best idea, but it went very well for me so who knows?
Good luck to anyone going through anything similar, I love you all!
So I recently started college and was not expecting to make any friends at all. I'm trans but I don't remotely pass and I'm anxious and depressed most of the time. I was shocked and then overwhelmingly happy when I actually met someone who was putting in the effort to be my friend on just my second day. This sounds cheesy but seriously I've smiled more in these first few weeks of college than the rest of my life. He is also trans and relates to so much of what I've gone through, even though I'm not a trans dude. So yeah, he has been my closest ever friend and I just met him.
And then I planned my death (in the same way I tried and failed to do months ago) for today. I constantly have suicidal thoughts because of anxiety about everything, mostly college or job related. I was just feeling so overwhelmed by the things that I percieved as big deals when I can't even remember half of them now. Anyway, I was on campus (I commute) and hanging in his dorm (I spend a lot of time in his dorm or with him, I even sleep over often as he has a double room but no roommate) when I realized this was supposed to be (according to my ctb plan) the last time that I ever saw him. I was so conflicted, but I told him (over text because anxiety lol; we were in the same room) that I couldn't guarantee I'd not kill myself if I went home the next day (today). He already knew that I had attemped previously, so not all of this was a shock but still. He comforted me in a way that didn't invalidate me at all (he's gone through it too) and I think he's coming home with me tonight to take my SN, which feels scary still but I know that he genuinely cares and that this is probably for the best. I'm gonna try to get on medication soon but it might be a while. He asked me if I could last just three months to give medication a try and I have to at least put in an effort. I don't know how that'll go, and I've told him as much, but he seems to believe in me so there's that.
I want to include the message that I sent him over text, even though we talked about it more afterword, because it's a condensed version of what I was going through, and I think I worded it well? Anyway, here:
feeling very suicidal rn, have been for the past week. i would say im scared that ill kill myself, but no part of me doesnt want it and that part scares me. idk why, i dont even feel bad, i just need to die? like really bad, i feel like im already dead, just waiting for others to find the body. i feel like this before i attempt (i do have a plan, btw) and i didnt even want to tell you for fear that i would still go through with it and hurt you.
Anyway thank you so much for reading this, I wasn't sure if it was worth sharing, and I don't want to make it sound like this is always the best idea, but it went very well for me so who knows?
Good luck to anyone going through anything similar, I love you all!
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