Discussion To veteran members, what's keeping you here?

[kovinskin]

In no way am I judging I'm asking out of curiousity and possibly for a chance at finding hope myself

People here who joined years ago and have thousands of posts, what's keeping you from ctbing?

I ask because I finally gave in and joined the site once I accepted yeah I'm gonna die, and I'd like to have full access to whatever resources this site provides.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I can't speak as a long time user, but... If my experience these past few days has been any indicator, having a place like this to be able to speak so freely about suicide, and see others say things I've experienced for so long, it's... Well, cathartic. It is actually helping me stick around.

There's been a lot of hype in the media about how SaSu is pushing people toward suicide. I disagree. Allowing people a sanctuary to speak things that would otherwise be treated in the typical "text book" manner, is actually very helpful for people. That's what the entire mental health profession just doesn't understand.

Having access to the knowledge of how to properly kill myself, has actually been such a comfort and relief, that it gives me the strength to get through the day. And again, that's something that non-suicidal people can't wrap their heads around.

 

[azad]

lack of easy method and circumstances like failure, handicapping risk, a safe place, and family will be sad.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

lack of easy method and circumstances like failure, handicapping risk, a safe place, and family will be sad.

Yeah the whole failure and possible handicap risk scares the shiz nit out of me.

 

[kovinskin]

lack of easy method and circumstances like failure, handicapping risk, a safe place, and family will be sad.

I understand each factor except lack of easy method because I feel like easy methods ARE attainable they're just time consuming. That is, you need time to procure the materials. That's kinda why I question how people who have been aware of these methods for years, and have assisted others in using the methods, are able to grasp onto something worth living.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Waiting for my Dad to go first. I imagine fear of attempting/ failing may also eventually hold me back too but, I hope I can push beyond that.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I've been here since the nearly the beginning of SaSu, and I've had several failed attempts, and that's pretty much the reason I'm still around.

I mentioned in another thread that since my mom passed last month, it just seems so much easier for me to up and leave from where I'm at, and go somewhere to find my peace.

I also disagree with the media hype how we come here just for learning how to ctb, or push someone to do so. When a newcomer would ask if they should ctb, our response was always the same, "That's a question only you can answer". We would try to encourage them to check out the recovery section.

In the early days, when it was somewhere between 100 and 200 people on this site, it was more like we came here to escape our demons for a while. We had fun, we picked back and forth on each other, it was just a blast coming here. Some did eventually ctb, some recovered, and some just up and disappeared.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I've been here since the nearly the beginning of SaSu, and I've had several failed attempts, and that's pretty much the reason I'm still around.

I mentioned in another thread that since my mom passed last month, it just seems so much easier for me to up and leave from where I'm at, and go somewhere to find my peace.

I also disagree with the media hype how we come here just for learning how to ctb, or push someone to do so. When a newcomer would ask if they should ctb, our response was always the same, "That's a question only you can answer". We would try to encourage them to check out the recovery section.

In the early days, when it was somewhere between 100 and 200 people on this site, it was more like we came here to escape our demons for a while. We had fun, we picked back and forth on each other, it was just a blast coming here. Some did eventually ctb, some recovered, and some just up and disappeared.

Yeah, I have to be honest, when I first discovered this site years ago, I honestly thought it was one of those, "Come here to learn how to kill yourself" things. But, after actually being on here a while, I realize it is so different.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Fear

 

[Uninstall]

1. Couldn't find the sweet spot with suspension hanging
2. didn't trust the physics would play out in my favor with drop hanging
3. got so close to successfully purchasing sn off of Amazon in 2022 only to have it confiscated before I could hide it
4. tried VSED on and off for multiple months out of desperation leaving me further disabled
5. slowly improve my physical health and earn money online to be stored in a personal PayPal account
6. find multiple SN sources and wait for the opportune time to order so it doesn't get confiscated
7. SN gets through

currently waiting for the 29th to CTB.

 

[Sunset Limited]

My mother. I'm here just for her for almost 10 years. The last 5 years have been spent between the hospital and home. I've probably spent a total of 1.5 years of my life in hospitals. But I'm close to the end because my mother is in intensive care now. When she's gone, I'll be free.

 

[kovinskin]

@FuneralCry could you also weigh in, cause im curious? I'm sorry if this is annoying or rude tho

 

[SentimentalTrip]

Good timing. In a few days it will be three years since I joined this forum and I was going to start a thread on this topic.

Part of it is because I am an enormous coward. But the other part of it is that most of my preferred methods require being alone for an extensive period of time, and I just have nowhere where I can execute those plans.

Take for example suicide with a nitrogen tank. It requires a complex set up. Doing it in a hotel could arouse a lot of suspicion and from what I understand it can be sort of a noisy process. How would I explain all of that to the hotel's management if someone complained about noise in the adjacent room? My wages are so low that I make nowhere near the amount of money necessary to have my own apartment. If I moved out of my parents' house to rent a room in someone's house, I'd still have a lot of difficulty explaining to them why I have a nitrogen tank. I could sneak it in, and what if it blows up? I'd be fucked.

I could move to another state with more affordable housing, but I'd have to be willing to accept the consequences that might follow if I fail an attempt. If I were to move to, say, Bumfuck, Nebraska and I botch it, I could end up in a mental hospital. Because most employees in the US are at-will, I could end up jobless hundreds of miles from home.

Part of me wants to save up and just go to South America to try to get N. I couldn't just up and take a trip since I'm living with my parents. They have me on a fucking leash and would never let me travel. This could theoretically happen if I rented a room in someone else's house. I certainly wouldn't have to explain to explain to them why I'm traveling. They wouldn't care. But I know myself. This is just a fantasy. I'm too much of a wimp to go through with that.

I'm a fucking pussy and at this point I ought to just attempt with SN. I'm living an incredibly painful and undignified life and part of me thinks that the 20 minutes of discomfort and pain potentially caused by SN poisoning would be better than this constant anguish. I really, really, really hate being alive. I think things are getting so bad that I am very slowly inching closer towards CTB. I hope I can summon the courage to do it sooner rather than later.

I annoy the hell out of myself. Talking and thinking about suicide all the time and never carrying it out.

 

[LittleJem]

Lack of quick, good method. I want OD or suffocation, or partial

Guilt for making people sad

Fear of reincarnation

 

[mmmwindowxcx]

Lack of quick, good method. I want OD or suffocation, or partial

Guilt for making people sad

Fear of reincarnation

That's interesting because the idea of reincarnation is what is giving me more hope to commit. The idea of being literally anyone else and starting over is comforting to me

 

[meddle]

fear. si is such a bitch. and i also hoped that my family will get over it after some time, but after my attempt i know they wont. so i try to stay as long as i can

 

[Busridin'26]

Honestly for awhile I'd go back and forth on living & attempting to ctb.

Also:

My own like mental & physical health issues. Plus life circumstances
Like too much stress to navigate an attempt.

Fear.

Finding the right method and clarity to formulate the "perfect"/"right" plan

 

[dumblosergirl]

I managed to find my reason to keep going but I relapse so much. I don't want to die but I don't want to suffer anymore either. It's a war I have with myself more often than I like.

Waiting to see which side wins.

 

[mechanician]

My preferred methods are either unavailable (Nembutal) or have been seized by the police or blood relatives multiple times (Nitrogen).

I continually make the same mistake of saying goodbye to my loved ones before I do it. I'm unsure why. I don't think I want to be stopped that's for sure. I think I want to be understood & validated. I think I want to be told it's okay to go.

 

[Moniker]

For the most part, I'm a giant coward.

 

[outrider567]

Nowhere else to go...except oblivion, which seems closer all the time

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Cowardice

 

[undecidedfool]

For me it's a mix of fear and bipolar cycling. I get suicidal for a while, then I swing up and everything is great (or at least pretty good) for a bit, then I fall back down. I keep getting so close, but those damn upswings and SI pull me away from relief. I forget how bad it is when I'm down, so I think it's okay that I'll eventually suffer again

 

[heywey]

There's a wide range between okay and completely ready to commit suicide. Outside of this forum there aren't many places that allow for the latter part of that range, even if I'm not all the way at the end.

For me it's a mix of fear and bipolar cycling. I get suicidal for a while, then I swing up and everything is great (or at least pretty good) for a bit, then I fall back down. I keep getting so close, but those damn upswings and SI pull me away from relief. I forget how bad it is when I'm down, so I think it's okay that I'll eventually suffer again

Also this, 100%. When I'm up the full weight of being down is inconceivable. The reverse is true too; on the bad swings, being happy and okay seems so far away. It'd be nice to feel like the same person a few months in a row.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm in lifelong recovery...

Not an easy thing. But i have responsibilities, a son, pets.
I can't give up....:(

 

[RadiantNumber]

Out of suicide? Fear Why I am still here? I like being with you, its almost like home, group of misfits conmected by nihilistic thought

 

[TooLate2582]

Spite.