To vent my feelings

[byebyeblondie]

Today I felt happy and relaxed and then in a moment of peace I saw the guy who I loved with all my heart. Would've done anything for and nearly lost everything I loved and was important to me for. This guy hurt me in many ways. I should hate him. Or maybe have no feelings for him, but I don't. If I see him the same feelings surface every time and I cannot make heads or tails of my feelings.

I almost want him to hold me and love me and make me feel safe - he could make me feel so safe like no one would ever hurt me. But I also get so scared because he could hurt me and would hurt me, especially when he was angry.

I know he's angry at me now because I told people what he did and there's a trial coming up. I sink into myself when I see him but I also can't stop looking and I know he's looking at me but it's with anger.

I want to make everything better and everything right but it was never right to begin with. He was abusive and my mind is ruined. He still has control over my head and my memories and I allow it and I hate that. I feel so stupid and foolish and heartbroken and sad and anxious and a mess.

I don't deal with my emotions so I try and distract and distract but the memories come at night or when I am reminded of things or when I least expect it like today. But not one single day goes by where I am not reminded of, or think about him and what he did.

I must be the most pathetic person alive because I would bet my life on it that he is not phased by what he has done and that I (or anyone else he has hurt) ever comes into his mind.

I'm sorry for the stupid post. If anyone did read it then thanks for taking some time to listen. Or if anyone can relate then I'd appreciate a reality check!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You're not alone in how you feel I'm sure. I've known people still pine for those who were outright cruel to them. I think sometimes even common sense tells us how bad they are for us but, emotions are powerful and hard to rationalise away.

I've never had a relationship but, I've had crazy obsessive limerent crushes on people. Also guys who weren't at all good for me to go for. Even in terms of loose friendship, they made me feel shit! So- I do get the obsessive bit.

It may be worth you looking up 'limerence' on YouTube. 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' does some good videos. It may not be that of course. Still, when people mention obsessive feelings, my mind tends to jump to that.

It actually made me feel a lot better to wonder if all my crushes were limerence. (I think they were.) It's enabled me to keep a grip of myself. Whereas before, I'd just get caught up in it all.