To live fast and die young my friends

[permanently tired]

Despite all that's changed in my life, I can't feel a sense of belonging. I'm unsure why, my relationship with my mother is better, I have friends message me saying they miss me although I'm thousands of miles away and have no impact on their life, I'm free to explore my interests as long as they're not too expensive, my family is well off and I could probably work a random minimum wage job and have enough to live.

I don't understand why I feel so wrong in this world. I'm more empty than I am depressed these days. I'm lucky my circumstances have improved so dramatically, but my state of mind has plateaued. Everything I've listed should be enough to allow someone to find contentment yet I'm not. The only thing I feel I have is my youth. I have an obsession with being young, when I'm not my life will only wane in quality. If there's nothing missing from my life then why? I'm biding my time, I want to die at the height of my life when I seem to have everything someone would want. My life is not worth living, but I have people I want to be "okay" after I leave so I don't want to die without leaving them some money so I hope my career projections pan out lol. Do I love them as much as I claim if I hurt them in the end?

I think there's something wrong with me idk. I have great external circumstances (though it wasn't always this way cough cough) and my brain isn't feeling much better. I remember reading if depression is caused by external factors, then placing the person in a better environment should improve their condition. Bitch where? No, I'm not really depressed anymore but I'm still suicidal. I want my chronic void to end. Maybe I'm permanently damaged from depression lol.

Thank you for reading this long-winded word vomit. Have a nice day

 

[AbsentMindedHuman]

I think there's something wrong with me idk. I have great external circumstances (though it wasn't always this way cough cough) and my brain isn't feeling much better. I remember reading if depression is caused by external factors, then placing the person in a better environment should improve their condition. Bitch where? No, I'm not really depressed anymore but I'm still suicidal. I want my chronic void to end. Maybe I'm permanently damaged from depression lol.

I struggle with this myself. From an outside perspective alot of people would say to me "You have so much to live for" or "Wow, your situation isnt that bad" but thats not the real issue is it. Despite all of those great things I still want to end my life. Why? Well if you spend all of your waking hours living for others, faking how you feel, lacking the feelings to relate with others even though you desperately wish to, or just suffering constantly, then in my opinion WHY WOULDNT YOU want to die.

 

[WitheredHeights]

Just remember that depression ebbs and flows in shape and intensity. I have experienced similar feelings when I've been coming out of a depressive episode. Sometimes, wanting to die, or at least cease to exist, isn't because of an external factor or trauma but rather a lack of fulfillment in life. That void you mentioned is common and oppressive. I have also found that it can be leveraged as some sort of safety blanket where I can retreat to when life sucks. After all, the antithesis of suffering is numbness.