_sinner_
Member
- Jul 25, 2025
- 6
I'm at a point where I don't think it's going to get better. I really don't. I don't think life is gonna change, I don't think I'll be able to change the things I hate about myself. I think, for me, it's time to start considering how to end this as peacefully as I can manage. But I don't know how. I don't even know what method to use. I get overwhelmed with all the research and shit and feel bad about it later.
Waking up is hell, trying to go to sleep is hell, going through my college classes are hell. Being around people is miserable and just reminds me of my inferiority. Every single time I leave the house I'm terrified of being hunted, or a natural disaster, or something very bizarre. I know it's anxiety based, but it's still miserable. I don't even care about creating anymore. That's what I always wanted to do. Draw. Create. Stories. And it doesn't even matter now. Nothing I make even means anything, it's worthless around everyone else's stuff. And they expect me to try to present like it's normal. As if I'm normal, as if I'm a person, instead of just a leech. A creature. I haven't felt human in so long
Things are getting worse. I can feel it. My grandma (who raised me and my sisters for about 10 years of my life) passed and she suffered for it. I'm sure that has something to do with all this, but I haven't really reacted to her death like I thought I would. I cried once, because I had fallen asleep for a mere 2, maybe 3 hours, and then she left. I had stayed with my grandpa and dad and aunts all up until then. I don't know why I convinced them to let me go to sleep. It was idiotic. I'm sure it's got something to do with it - because my family is religious and very much the type to just... move on. Act like it's a good thing. But it wasn't, and she suffered, and I know she did. Hell I was helping take care of her until it got too bad for me to be involved. I've been doing my best to keep up with my work but it's been since Jan 20th so it doesn't really matter now.
I don't want to be another death to handle, mostly due to my youngest sister. I feel it'd scar her way too much. She's gonna be 12 soon. My middle sister would be affected as well, I think, but she wouldn't process it the same. Or maybe she would. She's severely disabled (mind of not even a 2 year old) and doesn't comprehend things the same as another 18 year old would. I've helped/raised her best I could since I was 2. They'd be down a free babysitter, which would suck, because Im one of the few who know how to take care of her outside of this family, however much I may resent them sometimes for it. I hate myself for that. But I can't keep going like this. And I can't talk about it to anyone other than an online friend who's going through so much shit right now himself I wouldn't dare if I had any sort of decency. I don't care if he says I'm not burdening him or not - sometimes he's just too nice to admit it and we both know it. He has... some friends. I think. I think he'd be fine - he has a family that'd help him and what not. Might not be the same, because we met on another sui site, but it's better than nothing. As for everyone else I don't think they care. I think they'd prefer I be a robot or an ai thing that isn't quite so burdensome and can carry whatever they need all at once. I've tried, but I just can't. I'm so tired.
I'll probably cut tonight. Or drink. Or both. I haven't done either for awhile - not that the cutting is very severe, they're all mostly shallow/barely visible and it's not like I do it enough for anyone to really bat an eye. But I need something tonight. Things have gotten unbearable. I'm either going to get locked up in a psych ward and be a million dollars in debt or be dead. Both sound lovely.
Waking up is hell, trying to go to sleep is hell, going through my college classes are hell. Being around people is miserable and just reminds me of my inferiority. Every single time I leave the house I'm terrified of being hunted, or a natural disaster, or something very bizarre. I know it's anxiety based, but it's still miserable. I don't even care about creating anymore. That's what I always wanted to do. Draw. Create. Stories. And it doesn't even matter now. Nothing I make even means anything, it's worthless around everyone else's stuff. And they expect me to try to present like it's normal. As if I'm normal, as if I'm a person, instead of just a leech. A creature. I haven't felt human in so long
Things are getting worse. I can feel it. My grandma (who raised me and my sisters for about 10 years of my life) passed and she suffered for it. I'm sure that has something to do with all this, but I haven't really reacted to her death like I thought I would. I cried once, because I had fallen asleep for a mere 2, maybe 3 hours, and then she left. I had stayed with my grandpa and dad and aunts all up until then. I don't know why I convinced them to let me go to sleep. It was idiotic. I'm sure it's got something to do with it - because my family is religious and very much the type to just... move on. Act like it's a good thing. But it wasn't, and she suffered, and I know she did. Hell I was helping take care of her until it got too bad for me to be involved. I've been doing my best to keep up with my work but it's been since Jan 20th so it doesn't really matter now.
I don't want to be another death to handle, mostly due to my youngest sister. I feel it'd scar her way too much. She's gonna be 12 soon. My middle sister would be affected as well, I think, but she wouldn't process it the same. Or maybe she would. She's severely disabled (mind of not even a 2 year old) and doesn't comprehend things the same as another 18 year old would. I've helped/raised her best I could since I was 2. They'd be down a free babysitter, which would suck, because Im one of the few who know how to take care of her outside of this family, however much I may resent them sometimes for it. I hate myself for that. But I can't keep going like this. And I can't talk about it to anyone other than an online friend who's going through so much shit right now himself I wouldn't dare if I had any sort of decency. I don't care if he says I'm not burdening him or not - sometimes he's just too nice to admit it and we both know it. He has... some friends. I think. I think he'd be fine - he has a family that'd help him and what not. Might not be the same, because we met on another sui site, but it's better than nothing. As for everyone else I don't think they care. I think they'd prefer I be a robot or an ai thing that isn't quite so burdensome and can carry whatever they need all at once. I've tried, but I just can't. I'm so tired.
I'll probably cut tonight. Or drink. Or both. I haven't done either for awhile - not that the cutting is very severe, they're all mostly shallow/barely visible and it's not like I do it enough for anyone to really bat an eye. But I need something tonight. Things have gotten unbearable. I'm either going to get locked up in a psych ward and be a million dollars in debt or be dead. Both sound lovely.
