Time to try again

[jackisdead]

About a month ago, i took the rest of my pain meds and a whole bottle of my anxiety meds, hoping the opiates would knock me out and i would choke on my meds in my sleep. Didn't happen and i feel fine. So, tonight's plan incorporates elements of that plan into a new one. I'm gonna eat a good dinner, take the rest of my pills, and go for a walk. I'm heading to the train station. Gonna smoke a joint and let the pills kick in. I don't want to know the meaning of anxiety when i walk down those tracks to the bright light. I've got a few hours to kill, anybody wanna chat? Please do not talk me out of this, im just ready to be done. Ready to not be.

 

[behindtheveil]

Hey, how long did it take for you to finally decide on the moment of ctb? and what made you decide on it.

 

[jackisdead]

Hey, how long did it take for you to finally decide on the moment of ctb?

So i took like 4-500 mg of Vilazodone last month. I felt kind of okay for weeks after that but it's just... i can't do it anymore. I'm just hurting the people around me. I realized yesterday that this had to happen. As for the time, well, it has to be late. Else i can't get away with smoking weed in public. And my roommates will be asleep, i'll be able to slip out before anyone wakes up. They probably won't even notice i'm gone for hours.

 

[behindtheveil]

The can't do part is true for most of us. TBH I am in the process of deciding my method as well. I am ready.

 

[jackisdead]

The can't do part is true for most of us. TBH I am in the process of deciding my method as well. I am ready.

I could have avoided all of this. i blew up on a friend because i thought they were being shitty, and i said some shit i didn't mean. Now it's been weeks and we havent talked. I broke my hand 6 weeks ago, i should be working now but i had to have a meltdown and punch a freezer. I just... i don't belong. I hate being a worthless eater. I'm just better off dead than alive. My mom wanted to kill me and my brother and then herself when i was a baby and i wish she had. Would have saved a whole lot of people a whole lot of trouble.

 

[behindtheveil]

I understand. Life can be shitty as such and amazingly cruel at times. And this entire existence sure feels more like a jail than anything else. But as you have mentioned that there were somethings that could have been avoided, even those can feel like destined, I have been through those, and you know what sometimes they just worked themselves out and sometimes they didn't. I am not going to convince you to see any Brightside of things or anything but fights among friends is quite natural and it is one of those self-working out things. Everyone is allowed a few meltdowns as well.

 

[jackisdead]

I understand. Life can be shitty as such and amazingly cruel at times. And this entire existence sure feels more like a jail than anything else. But as you have mentioned that there were somethings that could have been avoided, even those can feel like destined, I have been through those, and you know what sometimes they just worked themselves out and sometimes they didn't. I am not going to convince you to see any Brightside of things or anything but fights among friends is quite natural and it is one of those self-working out things. Everyone is allowed a few meltdowns as well.

Heh, ive had more than a few. My brain is lopsided, im pretty sure. I'm wired all wrong, trained on abuse and emotional neglect for my entire childhood until the shoe fit. I don't want to be angry and lash out. I don't want to keep hurting people. I have tried, very hard for years to be better. I just don't think i can be. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

 

[behindtheveil]

Well, like I said life is cruel. And whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.

 

[jackisdead]

Okay. So. I took 200 mg of vilozodone with a big dinner, and just threw everything up. I don't know if maybe the hydrocodone i had last time slowed my digestive system down enough that i just wouldn't vomit, but its strange that i can eat so much less of my meds and get sick, whereas before i ate almost a whole bottle of pills and felt like sunshine the next day. Gonna recuperate and plan my next move.

 

[behindtheveil]

That's okay. Get some sleep, really helps.

 

[tankapi]

Please reconsider. Statistically, more than half who try to jump in front of a train or subway survive. I don't want you to make your situation worse.