A lot of reasons. In part I'm religious so if I kms I'll go to hell. Then there's SN. I only have SN and no car or money to go to a hotel. And let's not forget the money so I couldn't buy a gun if I tried, not to mention the gun shop where I am is permanently closed. Really there's a lot of reasons why I simply can't kill myself.
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Freyja13
Today's air quality is mauve and speckled.
- May 6, 2023
- 112
Accidentally started getting closer to people and making friends. Kind of a weird position to be in where I still want to off myself but now I have more people to worry about hurting. Ugh.
11April
11.04.2015 ❤️
- Jan 9, 2023
- 81
I use Google translator, so I apologize if it is written ridiculously.
I have several reasons. The first is, of course, the fear of death. My method is sn. When I plan, I feel almost calm. But when I just sit and wait for the moment to drink sn, then panic begins.
Secondly, I'm looking for a partner. In the most difficult moments in my life, I was always alone. No, there were people around, but they never really understood my problems.
Thirdly, I can not leave loved ones. They love me. I know they will be very hard.
And, fourthly, this is the image of a loved one. This girl caused a lot of pain. On purpose or not, I don't know. But honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I love her no matter what. But I know that I will never be able to be with her. However, the image of this person is one of the most precious things for me. I don't believe in life after death. I believe that our consciousness is just a collection of neural connections. When I die, all these neural connections will be lost. And this image will also be lost to me.
The first three reasons are very important to me, but recently I realized that it is the fourth reason that holds me back the most.
I have several reasons. The first is, of course, the fear of death. My method is sn. When I plan, I feel almost calm. But when I just sit and wait for the moment to drink sn, then panic begins.
Secondly, I'm looking for a partner. In the most difficult moments in my life, I was always alone. No, there were people around, but they never really understood my problems.
Thirdly, I can not leave loved ones. They love me. I know they will be very hard.
And, fourthly, this is the image of a loved one. This girl caused a lot of pain. On purpose or not, I don't know. But honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I love her no matter what. But I know that I will never be able to be with her. However, the image of this person is one of the most precious things for me. I don't believe in life after death. I believe that our consciousness is just a collection of neural connections. When I die, all these neural connections will be lost. And this image will also be lost to me.
The first three reasons are very important to me, but recently I realized that it is the fourth reason that holds me back the most.
MusicGuy
We're just another statistic
- May 28, 2023
- 118
Mainly my friends and the small chance of the person I love loving me back, probably on early mid august I'll ask her out and if that goes badly I'll jump that same day
I'm still here because a lot of positive things have happened to me in my professional and private life. The last time I thought about CTB very intensely and prepared it, it occurred to me that if I give up now, I will never know if my life has improved or not.
I want to give life one last chance to find out. If it's the same again that everything goes wrong after it started so well, I can still CTB. But then I'll definitely go through with it, because this is my very last attempt now.
I want to give life one last chance to find out. If it's the same again that everything goes wrong after it started so well, I can still CTB. But then I'll definitely go through with it, because this is my very last attempt now.
MrDarkness
Left sasu, to improve my life
- Jun 18, 2023
- 1,066
I gotta clean my pc, I also gotta make my friends and family think I'm fine, getting help etc, then yeah. Still gotta clean my room, I'll probably pass around august, either early or late idk yet
I'm also here for my cat. She's a senior; she (and I) probably have 3-5 years left.
strawberrynymph
Why me?
- Jul 8, 2023
- 18
The most important thing in my life that keeps me from CTBing is my German Shepard. Our bond is very close and I don't want him to think I've abandoned him or anything. Especially because I'm the only person who he listens to when I say "sit", "stay", "up", or "laydown". I know my family might give him away or not take as good a care of him like I do. I want him to have a good, happy life before I go.
bumbalumba200
silly
- May 11, 2023
- 24
corpsive
Not yet dead. Still, we rot.
- Jan 10, 2023
- 17
1. My best friend, who's been here for me since I was 13 (7 years now!). Most friendships I've had barely even lasted half a year. He's been busy as hell with college now, so he, unfortunately, doesn't have much time for me. But he still tries. He does more than anyone else, honestly. Even after all the bullshit my borderline ass put him through.
2. My grandparents, who I live with. Since y'know, they're gonna be the ones to find my dead body and junk. They will also likely consider it as being something of their fault, as they're the ones taking care of me (yes, a 20 year old, I can't do anything by myself. I'm as useful as a 8 year old).
3. Extremely silly and stupid reason, but a game I like. It's been the series that has helped me through a lot, I'm terribly attached and addicted. Like I don't know man, the game is getting a cool update later this month, miiiight have to post-pone my suicide.
2. My grandparents, who I live with. Since y'know, they're gonna be the ones to find my dead body and junk. They will also likely consider it as being something of their fault, as they're the ones taking care of me (yes, a 20 year old, I can't do anything by myself. I'm as useful as a 8 year old).
3. Extremely silly and stupid reason, but a game I like. It's been the series that has helped me through a lot, I'm terribly attached and addicted. Like I don't know man, the game is getting a cool update later this month, miiiight have to post-pone my suicide.
I know that depression is experienced different by everyone but for me it shows in heavy periodic episodes. In these times I have to reassure myself that these feelings go away and can be treated. I disassociate a lot, got no drive, no motivation and a bleak outlook on life. It's always tough because it feels like that that is how it's always been.
But then - I wake up again. And I realize - there is still so much left to do. I want to play instruments, I want to create art, learn cinematography and 3D. Play a lot of board games with my friends and look at the stars. Take big road trips, take care of a dog, dive and learn about the universe.
It's easy to spiral down into a bad place. I've been there multiple times. But I hope that you can come back to the surface once you are ready.
But then - I wake up again. And I realize - there is still so much left to do. I want to play instruments, I want to create art, learn cinematography and 3D. Play a lot of board games with my friends and look at the stars. Take big road trips, take care of a dog, dive and learn about the universe.
It's easy to spiral down into a bad place. I've been there multiple times. But I hope that you can come back to the surface once you are ready.
Part of me hopes the severity of my physical situation may improve. I have a son. I don't want to die at all but cry hysterically in absolute despair and anxiety over what is happening to me. I hold out some hope there may be some way of slowing or stopping it
jbear824
F*ck humanity. Let's end this.
- Jul 4, 2023
- 408
My partner who has autism. He's not capable of being completely independent on his own. He depends on me and I love him completely. And ctb would mean abandoning him and even though I'm completely atheist, I feel like I would be punished somehow afterwards for abandoning him to the world all alone. I have so much fear and too much empathy that keeps me trapped into living. I hate it.
Sweet Tart
Arcanist
- May 10, 2023
- 459
I am determined to have a death with dignity, in my own mind, at least. It's very difficult to make this happen in the absence of inexpensive and nonviolent ctb options. I want the last thing I do to be deliberate and peaceful. Death is a rite or milestone that everyone experiences and I think it deserves the same care and preparing as other events that most people consider vitally important. Specifically, I want to be physically comfortable and able to be fully present in my actions. I want my cat to be with me.
Lest it sound like I'm being selfish in regard to my cat, I know she will be okay after I'm gone, as she has finally warmed up to my mom and stepdad (who we have been staying with for a year). She is resilient and independent, and I love these things about her.
Lest it sound like I'm being selfish in regard to my cat, I know she will be okay after I'm gone, as she has finally warmed up to my mom and stepdad (who we have been staying with for a year). She is resilient and independent, and I love these things about her.
Caring for a senior cat is such a beautiful thing. My former kitty lived to age 21 and needed a lot of help in the last few years. Being able to provide that for him was incredibly meaningful to me.
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Jbear, can I ask if you are autistic also. It's heartwarming that you have each other. Someone very close to me is Autistic. I fear for them in this world. I hope whatever brings you here somehow improves
jbear824
F*ck humanity. Let's end this.
- Jul 4, 2023
- 408
I'm not, but I have a host of other mental illnesses. We actually met at a mental health day program. I worry about him so much. Especially because of what would happen to him if I was gone. But I don't want to live through what's coming for us. I don't know how to reconcile my deep desire to ctb and not abandon him, and it's destroying my mind even further.Jbear, can I ask if you are autistic also. It's heartwarming that you have each other. Someone very close to me is Autistic. I fear for them in this world. I hope whatever brings you here somehow improves
アホペンギン
…
- Jul 10, 2023
- 2,191
I dont have much keeping me from ctbing, honestly. my only 2 reasons are lack of resources to carry out my suicide and the fact that i have a friend who has stayed with me for almost 3 years at this point. I have never had a friendship last this long in my life. He doesnt know about my intentions so thats what im worried about, i'll just disappear all of a sudden and he wont know what happened. (We're online friends so thats why)
Pidgeons_Sparrows
-flying rat
- Apr 16, 2023
- 625
I understand this feeling greatly. It's agonising pain I can't describe and I see you feel that too. I wish for something that may help keep you going. If there is nothing and you reach that point then I can hear you absolutely would have tried your best. No one really chooses this outcome
mekurin
Heading for something better than this
- Jul 9, 2023
- 61
My 2 friends that both suffered a dead family member. They aren't in a good mental state themselves and one is on Prozac. I think if I ctb they will certainly suffer greatly. I also have a cat and a dog to take care of and my family. Not sure how or when but if nothing changes I'll try to ctb in some way that would cause the least issues for everyone. Maybe when I'm old. I have applied for therapy but got nothing from them yet.
StolenLife
Warlock
- Sep 19, 2022
- 740
greenvally
Member
- Jul 10, 2023
- 15
My parents lost their first child years ago. I can't stand the thought that they will lose another child, again.
But when you're ready to ctb, it means you acknowledge that you're gonna hurt someone, it's inevitable, but you're ready to accept it and keep on doing what you need to, am I right?
I have a lot of things to love in this world. The only one I despise is myself. Sadly none of them is big enough to keep me away from ctb thoughts, and I'm barely holding on to this life.
Apart from my parents, my fear of failure and lack of efficient method also scare me. And I'm indecisive whether I should give myself another chance, or not. I've tried many times, only to feel worse day by day. People tried to help, but they don't care enough and they don't understand me.
But when you're ready to ctb, it means you acknowledge that you're gonna hurt someone, it's inevitable, but you're ready to accept it and keep on doing what you need to, am I right?
I have a lot of things to love in this world. The only one I despise is myself. Sadly none of them is big enough to keep me away from ctb thoughts, and I'm barely holding on to this life.
Apart from my parents, my fear of failure and lack of efficient method also scare me. And I'm indecisive whether I should give myself another chance, or not. I've tried many times, only to feel worse day by day. People tried to help, but they don't care enough and they don't understand me.
