Story This site has kept me alive more times than it's killed me.

[U. A.]

Tongue in cheek title.
I don't post to the public forum anymore because I don't want shit I write scraped by researchers' data mining tools or ignored read by disingenuous journalists, but I figure this is one of few things that should be available for either nefarious purpose. Note I'm not posting this in recovery cause I firmly have not and this site doesn't stop the drive to die. Only real-life circumstances changing could do that.

This is nothing new; people post all the time here about things like this. So I'm just adding my version. The ability to scream into the void is in itself therapeutic. When I'm having an episode, exorcising that agony within helps - obviously; look at all the people doing the same. Doing so in a way that isn't a physical book that might be found and used by authorities to incarcerate me in a "hospital" is all the better. Better still that I might also be able to get some kind of response, feedback, validation or whatever from others who get it.

Or, I can float around reading others' accounts; a lot is too intense for me to handle, but the stuff I can gives me a "pacifying" (to stretch the use of the word) sense that I am not alone - sometime I feel bad for feeling so bad knowing how much worse it could (and will likely eventually) be, but sometimes that is more comfortable than being in the depths of despair. Sometimes it does give me the most minor of boosts but very rarely.

For any future NYTers or fixers or Tantacruls reading this: consider that this is most likely the case for most people here. Recognize that if you care so much about people not dying, this site has almost certainly kept more people alive, at least for significant lengths of time, than it has killed them. Most of the info here on methods exists elsewhere on the internet. Reflect on what drives people here and to this state of mind in the first place. School yourself on fucking harm reduction for fuck's sake.

For other members: thanks, sorry, wishing you well.

 

[Cauliflour]

It's funny how the spooky suicide forum is probably one of the highest factors of suicidal recovery in the modern day. Like, I was thinking about intentionally burning myself for the hell of it the other day but I didn't know how so when I asked for advice here, I was met with a whole lot of "no are you stupid you'll get infections and die, here's the details of why it sucks just stick to cutting" so now I don't feel like doing it. I think if I told a therapist or a family member that I wanted to burn myself I think their shallow words would make me want to do it more just to spite them.

This website is also great for perfectionists who like to torture their characters in their written work but want the suicide, depression and self harm to be accurate.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

It's funny how the spooky suicide forum is probably one of the highest factors of suicidal recovery in the modern day. Like, I was thinking about intentionally burning myself for the hell of it the other day but I didn't know how so when I asked for advice here, I was met with a whole lot of "no are you stupid you'll get infections and die, here's the details of why it sucks just stick to cutting" so now I don't feel like doing it. I think if I told a therapist or a family member that I wanted to burn myself I think their shallow words would make me want to do it more just to spite them.

This website is also great for perfectionists who like to torture their characters in their written work but want the suicide, depression and self harm to be accurate.

Yesss I'm so glad someone else feels the same. People demonize this site so much but honestly it's helped me more than hurt.

 

[Cauliflour]

Yesss I'm so glad someone else feels the same. People demonize this site so much but honestly it's helped me more than hurt.

Thanks to good ol autism I see things differently to normal people and a lot of normal people talk is very shallow and insincere to me. I want the facts, no bullshit, no sugarcoating or demonising, just the truth of whatever reality I'm asking about. This site is a god send for that as most people don't speak in bullshit. In fact, I've seen quite a few posts from autistic people on here (as in about having autism) so I imagine a good number are on a similar wavelength to me which also helps. Nice to know how my disability could be so much worse just with a few different paths taken but I think I'm getting off topic.

In fact, I made a drawing for a very similar post about 2 weeks ago:

 

[Unknown21]

Same thing, I could have been dead since November 2023.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

Thanks to good ol autism I see things differently to normal people and a lot of normal people talk is very shallow and insincere to me. I want the facts, no bullshit, no sugarcoating or demonising, just the truth of whatever reality I'm asking about. This site is a god send for that as most people don't speak in bullshit. In fact, I've seen quite a few posts from autistic people on here (as in about having autism) so I imagine a good number are on a similar wavelength to me which also helps. Nice to know how my disability could be so much worse just with a few different paths taken but I think I'm getting off topic.

In fact, I made a drawing for a very similar post about 2 weeks ago:
View attachment 174402

I like that people don't speak in bullshit here too.

 

[pinstripe]

I think this site gives actual hope for ending it all for most people.

And that actual hope is an ironic lifeline. A promise of the pain ending gives something to hold onto even if it's the promise of it all being over.

 

[Grimlock]

Same. This site gives me hope and a sense of belonging. Better to vent here than be alone and afraid in cold, unforgiving world.

 

[Xiaojiu]

This website has saved me at least twice. So I feel you friend

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

Fully.

It also regulates me when I'm feeling totally fucked (the exact conditions that produce a more serious drive to death).

When the tidal wave of shame, deep despair or complete overwhelm hits, I come here and I am at worst distracted, and at best hopeful that I am not as fucked as I think I am. It's a reminder that things come, they go, many of us stick around.

Do these people not understand that the chronically suicidal live in a world of perpetual isolation? It doesn't matter how many people are around you (and many of us don't have people, to be clear), there's only so many times you can be explicit with real life people about your need to die.

I have been suicidal since I was a child. Decades of isolation in that feeling, and decades of almosts and multiple attempts. Since I found this site last year, I spiral way less often. And quite frankly, this site is actually *in the way* of my suicide at this point. It's almost too helpful.

It's kind of confronting to think about. That maybe this whole time what I actually needed was this site. I am so much less alone. In a deep, profound way. I no longer see myself as a damaged, isolated entity. Instead, I understand from how many people I relate to here that I am actually part of a massive societal problem.

This world is making us want to die. And it keeps trying to stop us from talking about it, which kills us.

 

[Self Medicated]

I found this site by chance and feel like a bit of a fraud being here. I don't want to die but I'm having trouble finding a reason to carry on much longer. I've been feeling like this for quite a while but I'm still here. Does that make me a poseur? I don't know, probably. My cousin just did it. Right out of the blue, no hesitation but I'm still here moping about, complaining how tired and fed up I am. Does that make him braver? I don't know that either. For now I've given myself a deadline, get my shit together by New Year or go. Maybe having somewhere to vent will help. Who knows Can't hurt I guess. I can always do it tomorrow.

 

[Xiaojiu]

I found this site by chance and feel like a bit of a fraud being here. I don't want to die but I'm having trouble finding a reason to carry on much longer. I've been feeling like this for quite a while but I'm still here. Does that make me a poseur? I don't know, probably. My cousin just did it. Right out of the blue, no hesitation but I'm still here moping about, complaining how tired and fed up I am. Does that make him braver? I don't know that either. For now I've given myself a deadline, get my shit together by New Year or go. Maybe having somewhere to vent will help. Who knows Can't hurt I guess. I can always do it tomorrow.

You're not a poser. I feel the same way in a sense where I don't actually WANT to die, I just want my physical pains and illnesses to end. And like you, I keep moping and lagging.

I'm sorry for your loss with your cousin's suicide. Him doing it doesn't make him braver than you. I think it's unfair to compare because you both are on different life paths.

Also, just wanted to say, whatever you decide for yourself, just know that there are people who care and this site is here for you to vent and figure out if you really want to go or not. I've spoken to others on here who have told me that this site actually helps them live and hold on because there are people here who get it and understand. Again, whatever you decide. No need to force or rush. Like you said, you can always do it tomorrow. Take care friend!