IDontKnowEverything
Please stop it
- Mar 2, 2025
- 108
Others make staying alive seem so easy.
And they often complain about the most trivial of things like it's the end of the world.
I know it's not all others so I do not wish to generalise.
But I need to vent. I need to crash out, I need to scream, to cry some more, fuck. fuck fuck I'm done with this shit FINALLY.
I just went on a trip with one friend and one person I didn't know.
And small backstory to how I am.
Since I was a kid, since I knew myself, I always put others way above me, both because I was always thought to do so, and because I am hyper, but hyper empathetic in nature.
I'm on this forum barely holding on, yet if I see a child cry over the dumbest most fixable reason, my heart will break for said kid.
And now go on ahead and navigate life.
This always made me a therapist for people. Always. Young, old, my age at any (all) of my ages.
And seeing as I was yelled, but YELLED at by people supposedly taking care of me the moment I would DARE to show the slightest negative emotion, I grew up never letting on.
I'm neurodivergent and a PRO at masking not necessarily the fact I can't function like a normal person for the life of me, but rather masking my mental, emotional or physical state.
So this trip was because a friend invited me to a concert 5 hours of riding away. Another friend cancelled on her last second and she felt like it would be a pity to waste the ticket.
It was a band I liked and I said yes.
We had a driver. She was invited before me as well to the music but said no.
That driver has no concept of respecting other's people's time and not only did we miss the entire concert, we came back way later than originally thought. As in, instead of Saturday evening, Sunday at night late.
Said driver is a heavy complainer with anger issues, is extremely selfish, and not only is she snappy, she has an inferior emotional maturity than I had when I was 7 (she's 36), and I say this after analyzing myself very carefully. Also, a heavy alcoholic and an addict.
I was left to deal with her on my own. Mental calculation of 55 to 60 hours.
The friend who invited us both is the type who withdraws when under pressure so she doesn't have to crash out.
I see her stress fully, trust me, I actually see her stress fully and empathize too. It was glaringly obvious she didn't see the same for me which actually hurt as I was putting far more than I ever wanted to do so ever in this.
She had her headphones in the entire time, muting the driver's screaming, not going out to help as I was constantly refilling the water in the engine every gas station as the pipe broke and we didn't have money wallets put together to get the car back to her home until we reached the border.
Those water buckets were heavy. And it was so fucking cold outside, but I mean cold cold. A lady at one of the gas stations saw my hands and said I was close to frostbite. I couldn't afford the gloves there though.
And it was soggy,
as I tried lifting that thing up and loading it into the engine.
And my body is weak, I was just barely dragging it all out in the cold to get the car to start again.
All the driver did was scream at me, slapping me a few times for being so slow once I got into the car again.
And my friend, she was fully quiet in the backseat and left me alone to bear the full emotional weight of the situation, only to complain to me later too.
No consideration, only complaints.
The worst part is that I actually genuinely care for her. And she cares about other people too! All people but me, apparently.
I wanted to withdraw too! I have wanted to withdraw since I was a kid for fuck sake!! Not once did I get the chance to just not reply when screamed at in my fucking life, I wanted to just say I don't give a fuck too! For once in my life. My childhood in a fucking nutshell, and do pardon the language please, I just hold back from swearing right now.
I didn't want my friend to get hit as well, but fuck, but fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK did I have ENOUGH.
In those three days I had a few times when I managed to fall asleep in the car for 15-ish minutes maybe.
I spent 3 days dealing with that snappy toddler who physically overpowered me and who I had to get to drive us both back home finally, finally. Because if I didn't do that, we might as well have just stranded there, which I unfortunately just cannot afford. (Or just have her drunk behing crash us all in the middle of the highway.)
She's been unemployed for the last 10 years and my friend was relatively free. The only one who cant catch up with all I have is me now!! And now I slept for who knows how many hours again and I'm still crying. I held back everything for 3 days, constantly physically shaking, but just focusing on getting the 3 of us home. If I die soon, I do so alone ffs.
Please understand that that snappy driver, despite having my entire childhood to train for her, was still a lot for me.
I just wanted to be gone.
I came back home. had a friendly chat with my mom, a smile on my face, secretly feeling bad I didn't have the opportunity to get her a gift (I did manage to get her a keychain though).
But once I came back to my room, I just barely put my usual louder music on not on my headphones this time, and started SOBBING.
We live in a small apartment so forget being loud usually, even if you forget the neighbors, my mom usually doesn't like it much when I speak too loud, not to mention put on loud music. But I guess I must have made a face or something. She actually just left me alone.
I didn't have the energy to even flop down on my bed, but just unceremoniously fell on the floor I didn't clean yet in a while, using my backpack as a pillow, and couldn't stop crying.
I cannot describe really well all that was going through my head, through my body, all over again. But also I do assume that many here can guess it all.
It's not like I was a stranger to all of that, but it's been a bit of a while, you know?
And now I'm in deep s*** trying to work, behind on EVERYTHING in ways I actually, but actually cannot afford.
Yet my hands cannot stop shaking. I hope typing this helped me enough to finally get at least a little bit more focused, but guys, I'm so tired right now, truly... I always get overwhelmed easily, but if I knew I was going to deal with even a quarter of that I would've begged the world on my knees please no.
Sorry for complaining.
I just really needed to do this.
And if you actually read all of this, thank you.
You are free to use this thread as a venting place as well if you wish. Just don't, but don't even peep about the things I could have done, PLEASE. Just don't. Please. Just don't.
In any case, hugs, guys. I need a fucking hug. But I'd just cry again. I want to cry. I want to vent outside of here as well but don't know how. I only ever damage myself additionally.
In any case, hugs, guys. Really, hugs.
And they often complain about the most trivial of things like it's the end of the world.
I know it's not all others so I do not wish to generalise.
But I need to vent. I need to crash out, I need to scream, to cry some more, fuck. fuck fuck I'm done with this shit FINALLY.
I just went on a trip with one friend and one person I didn't know.
And small backstory to how I am.
Since I was a kid, since I knew myself, I always put others way above me, both because I was always thought to do so, and because I am hyper, but hyper empathetic in nature.
I'm on this forum barely holding on, yet if I see a child cry over the dumbest most fixable reason, my heart will break for said kid.
And now go on ahead and navigate life.
This always made me a therapist for people. Always. Young, old, my age at any (all) of my ages.
And seeing as I was yelled, but YELLED at by people supposedly taking care of me the moment I would DARE to show the slightest negative emotion, I grew up never letting on.
I'm neurodivergent and a PRO at masking not necessarily the fact I can't function like a normal person for the life of me, but rather masking my mental, emotional or physical state.
So this trip was because a friend invited me to a concert 5 hours of riding away. Another friend cancelled on her last second and she felt like it would be a pity to waste the ticket.
It was a band I liked and I said yes.
We had a driver. She was invited before me as well to the music but said no.
That driver has no concept of respecting other's people's time and not only did we miss the entire concert, we came back way later than originally thought. As in, instead of Saturday evening, Sunday at night late.
Said driver is a heavy complainer with anger issues, is extremely selfish, and not only is she snappy, she has an inferior emotional maturity than I had when I was 7 (she's 36), and I say this after analyzing myself very carefully. Also, a heavy alcoholic and an addict.
I was left to deal with her on my own. Mental calculation of 55 to 60 hours.
The friend who invited us both is the type who withdraws when under pressure so she doesn't have to crash out.
I see her stress fully, trust me, I actually see her stress fully and empathize too. It was glaringly obvious she didn't see the same for me which actually hurt as I was putting far more than I ever wanted to do so ever in this.
She had her headphones in the entire time, muting the driver's screaming, not going out to help as I was constantly refilling the water in the engine every gas station as the pipe broke and we didn't have money wallets put together to get the car back to her home until we reached the border.
Those water buckets were heavy. And it was so fucking cold outside, but I mean cold cold. A lady at one of the gas stations saw my hands and said I was close to frostbite. I couldn't afford the gloves there though.
And it was soggy,
and my black pants were rubbing against the cuts on my thighs so fucking painfully
And my body is weak, I was just barely dragging it all out in the cold to get the car to start again.
All the driver did was scream at me, slapping me a few times for being so slow once I got into the car again.
And my friend, she was fully quiet in the backseat and left me alone to bear the full emotional weight of the situation, only to complain to me later too.
No consideration, only complaints.
The worst part is that I actually genuinely care for her. And she cares about other people too! All people but me, apparently.
I wanted to withdraw too! I have wanted to withdraw since I was a kid for fuck sake!! Not once did I get the chance to just not reply when screamed at in my fucking life, I wanted to just say I don't give a fuck too! For once in my life. My childhood in a fucking nutshell, and do pardon the language please, I just hold back from swearing right now.
I didn't want my friend to get hit as well, but fuck, but fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK did I have ENOUGH.
In those three days I had a few times when I managed to fall asleep in the car for 15-ish minutes maybe.
I spent 3 days dealing with that snappy toddler who physically overpowered me and who I had to get to drive us both back home finally, finally. Because if I didn't do that, we might as well have just stranded there, which I unfortunately just cannot afford. (Or just have her drunk behing crash us all in the middle of the highway.)
She's been unemployed for the last 10 years and my friend was relatively free. The only one who cant catch up with all I have is me now!! And now I slept for who knows how many hours again and I'm still crying. I held back everything for 3 days, constantly physically shaking, but just focusing on getting the 3 of us home. If I die soon, I do so alone ffs.
Please understand that that snappy driver, despite having my entire childhood to train for her, was still a lot for me.
I threw up in the gas station bathrooms multiple times from the stress despite barely eating at all.
I came back home. had a friendly chat with my mom, a smile on my face, secretly feeling bad I didn't have the opportunity to get her a gift (I did manage to get her a keychain though).
But once I came back to my room, I just barely put my usual louder music on not on my headphones this time, and started SOBBING.
We live in a small apartment so forget being loud usually, even if you forget the neighbors, my mom usually doesn't like it much when I speak too loud, not to mention put on loud music. But I guess I must have made a face or something. She actually just left me alone.
I didn't have the energy to even flop down on my bed, but just unceremoniously fell on the floor I didn't clean yet in a while, using my backpack as a pillow, and couldn't stop crying.
I cannot describe really well all that was going through my head, through my body, all over again. But also I do assume that many here can guess it all.
It's not like I was a stranger to all of that, but it's been a bit of a while, you know?
And now I'm in deep s*** trying to work, behind on EVERYTHING in ways I actually, but actually cannot afford.
Yet my hands cannot stop shaking. I hope typing this helped me enough to finally get at least a little bit more focused, but guys, I'm so tired right now, truly... I always get overwhelmed easily, but if I knew I was going to deal with even a quarter of that I would've begged the world on my knees please no.
Sorry for complaining.
I just really needed to do this.
And if you actually read all of this, thank you.
You are free to use this thread as a venting place as well if you wish. Just don't, but don't even peep about the things I could have done, PLEASE. Just don't. Please. Just don't.
In any case, hugs, guys. I need a fucking hug. But I'd just cry again. I want to cry. I want to vent outside of here as well but don't know how. I only ever damage myself additionally.
In any case, hugs, guys. Really, hugs.
