Thinking about taking SN fe again, but very afraid...

[Brayu]

I'll try to contextualize, although I doubt if anyone is interested in my story...

I am 24 years old, male, manual worker in the city hall of my city.

Firstly: I already tried SN (actually it was just a test with 3 grams, at the beginning of September, enough to end up in the ICU)... At the time I was cyanotic, but I managed to hide what I did (I was saved, before the time... for me and my SI I would have easily managed it)

So... my first fear is that I can't fail anymore, because everything is going to come crashing down on my head (everyone will know what I did the first time and now, my family... my job - even though I'm a civil servant municipality, it's not comfortable for them to know while I'm alive).

It's just that I always wanted to avoid getting to that moment, but it did... I can't live for others anymore, it's not fair

At the same time (because I'm still alive) I'm superfluous afraid of what others will think, of what happens later to them and me...

And it also seems that I'm going to transfer the pain I feel to others, because what led me to that was mainly the pain of various griefs and the bipolar I have. Secondly, the impotence to see time pass and also to feel abandoned by the majority... Also that feeling of "samurai", I am without any honor and humiliated in many ways.

I'm so distressed, I needed words of comfort and I know most of you here go through this, so it's even boring to cry in your ear... Maybe I'm trying to get your attention? I don't know... but there's certainly a lot more involved as well.

The method: I opened my SN 99.9% almost 3 months ago, drank 3 grams (and would have killed me if not found). I don't know if it's viable yet (but the color hasn't changed) and I intend to use 5 to 10g now (25 I don't think I'll get it because I don't even know if all that is left, since I discarded it a lot with irrational fear of getting caught) .

My doubt: If I wake up in the morning (assuming I take it before bed and sleep for 8-10 hours), will I be blue all day? Can I do something to get it back to normal if it fails?
I only have one working day (holiday in my country tomorrow and the next day I have to work)... I wanted to do it last night, but I had a migraine.
I'm from Latin America, not very fluent in English... sorry for mistakes

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're suffering. If I were you I wouldn't take less than 20g next time! Just in case. Yes, you will be blue. Your English is fine :)

 

[Brayu]

Sorry you're suffering. If I were you I wouldn't take less than 20g next time! Just in case. Yes, you will be blue. Your English is fine :)

dying or surviving will i be blue?

 

[jodes2]

dying or surviving will i be blue?

Yes, both

 

[Fktw0rld]

I wish I had the answer. I have the same obstacles and fears. Most people fear death, we fear waking up alive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this place again. It must feel very lonely and you must be feeling very desperate. I would agree with what other people here have said though- it seems rather risky to only take 10g of it that has already been opened. I'm guessing you haven't fasted either, or taken antiemetics? I'm not an expert by any means but the SN method doesn't really seem one that works as well when done impulsively. People quite often fast, take antiemetics and have 2-3 back up drinks on top of 25g of the SN mix. Not to say it definitely won't work but I worry you might end up in the same position as in the first attempt.

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what I could say to help.

 

[Brayu]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this place again. It must feel very lonely and you must be feeling very desperate. I would agree with what other people here have said though- it seems rather risky to only take 10g of it that has already been opened. I'm guessing you haven't fasted either, or taken antiemetics? I'm not an expert by any means but the SN method doesn't really seem one that works as well when done impulsively. People quite often fast, take antiemetics and have 2-3 back up drinks on top of 25g of the SN mix. Not to say it definitely won't work but I worry you might end up in the same position as in the first attempt.

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what I could say to help.

I had/have antiemetics

 

[Brayu]

Yes, both

What the hell... I shouldn't be thinking so much.

 

[hunterfla]

What the hell... I shouldn't be thinking so much.

Nobody can say for sure. But you have to do (or not do) what your heart tells you. I am here if you want to private message me and talk.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I feel you bro I only have like 10g left too cuz of an failed attempt it really pisses me off but better than nothing I guess

 

[Lost Magic]

Can you get access to more SN? I mean the lethal dose is about 25mg (just to be sure). I'm sorry you went through that experience. It must have been scary. I've never attempted ctb, yet, so I don't know what it feels like. I can only imagine. Do what is right for you my friend. Best wishes!

 

[Brayu]

Nobody can say for sure. But you have to do (or not do) what your heart tells you. I am here if you want to private message me and talk.

It's not weakness to wait a little longer, right? I feel an overwhelming urge to get this over with...

But the idea of missing my commitments, church things (yes, I hope this doesn't seem ironic) and even with a theatrical play... I didn't want it to be like that, but CTB for me is no longer a choice (Because if I keep going, I'm sure I'll go through things I don't like to think about)

Can you get access to more SN? I mean the lethal dose is about 25mg (just to be sure). I'm sorry you went through that experience. It must have been scary. I've never attempted ctb, yet, so I don't know what it feels like. I can only imagine. Do what is right for you my friend. Best wishes!

I won't be able to do it in the short term... (+SN)

 

[Regret]

I'll try to contextualize, although I doubt if anyone is interested in my story...

I am 24 years old, male, manual worker in the city hall of my city.

Firstly: I already tried SN (actually it was just a test with 3 grams, at the beginning of September, enough to end up in the ICU)... At the time I was cyanotic, but I managed to hide what I did (I was saved, before the time... for me and my SI I would have easily managed it)

So... my first fear is that I can't fail anymore, because everything is going to come crashing down on my head (everyone will know what I did the first time and now, my family... my job - even though I'm a civil servant municipality, it's not comfortable for them to know while I'm alive).

It's just that I always wanted to avoid getting to that moment, but it did... I can't live for others anymore, it's not fair

At the same time (because I'm still alive) I'm superfluous afraid of what others will think, of what happens later to them and me...

And it also seems that I'm going to transfer the pain I feel to others, because what led me to that was mainly the pain of various griefs and the bipolar I have. Secondly, the impotence to see time pass and also to feel abandoned by the majority... Also that feeling of "samurai", I am without any honor and humiliated in many ways.

I'm so distressed, I needed words of comfort and I know most of you here go through this, so it's even boring to cry in your ear... Maybe I'm trying to get your attention? I don't know... but there's certainly a lot more involved as well.

The method: I opened my SN 99.9% almost 3 months ago, drank 3 grams (and would have killed me if not found). I don't know if it's viable yet (but the color hasn't changed) and I intend to use 5 to 10g now (25 I don't think I'll get it because I don't even know if all that is left, since I discarded it a lot with irrational fear of getting caught) .

My doubt: If I wake up in the morning (assuming I take it before bed and sleep for 8-10 hours), will I be blue all day? Can I do something to get it back to normal if it fails?
I only have one working day (holiday in my country tomorrow and the next day I have to work)... I wanted to do it last night, but I had a migraine.
I'm from Latin America, not very fluent in English... sorry for mistakes

Try to use ketamine- helps with suicidal thoughts

Like at doctors office… a quick shot— it would be a 30 minute experience and will help you come up with a solution you hadn't thought of before or look at things from a different angle to help you keep wanting to actually live this life

 

[Brayu]

I wish I had the answer. I have the same obstacles and fears. Most people fear death, we fear waking up alive.

The only thing that would be good to know is, if he survives, how long the dizziness and especially the cyanosis would take to go away (because this time without medical help)

Try to use ketamine- helps with suicidal thoughts

Like at doctors office… a quick shot— it would be a 30 minute experience and will help you come up with a solution you hadn't thought of before or look at things from a different angle to help you keep wanting to actually live this life

Thank you

 

[hunterfla]

It's not weakness to wait a little longer, right? I feel an overwhelming urge to get this over with...

But the idea of missing my commitments, church things (yes, I hope this doesn't seem ironic) and even with a theatrical play... I didn't want it to be like that, but CTB for me is no longer a choice (Because if I keep going, I'm sure I'll go through things I don't like to think about)

I won't be able to do it in the short term... (+SN)

Absolutely nothing to do with weakness. It's better to do it a month (or year or never) too late than a day too early. Only you will know if/when it is the right thing for you.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Try to use ketamine- helps with suicidal thoughts

Like at doctors office… a quick shot— it would be a 30 minute experience and will help you come up with a solution you hadn't thought of before or look at things from a different angle to help you keep wanting to actually live this life

Yeah but don't abuse it or you'll end up with a pissbag on your feet like me due to bladder damage

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

Yeah but don't abuse it or you'll end up with a pissbag on your feet like me due to bladder damage

Did you experience damage from it? What kind of damage if I may ask?

 

[Lonerzepam]

Did you experience damage from it? What kind of damage if I may ask?

Just long term permsnent bladder damage u know. Difficulty urinating, bladder pain, pissing blood. But all this is gone since I stopped using. Also I was heavily addicted to ket I was doing like 3g a day for half a year or so. So one time to recreational sometime use is no problem. I think a general rule is you can use it every 2 weeks once and you won't get any health problems. I'd recommend psychonaut wiki to look it up.

https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Ketamine

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

Just long term permsnent bladder damage u know. Difficulty urinating, bladder pain, pissing blood. But all this is gone since I stopped using. Also I was heavily addicted to ket I was doing like 3g a day for half a year or so. So one time to recreational sometime use is no problem. I think a general rule is you can use it every 2 weeks once and you won't get any health problems. I'd recommend psychonaut wiki to look it up.

https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Ketamine

I'm so sorry. Thanks for your reply.

 

[stermc]

I'll try to contextualize, although I doubt if anyone is interested in my story...

I am 24 years old, male, manual worker in the city hall of my city.

Firstly: I already tried SN (actually it was just a test with 3 grams, at the beginning of September, enough to end up in the ICU)... At the time I was cyanotic, but I managed to hide what I did (I was saved, before the time... for me and my SI I would have easily managed it)

So... my first fear is that I can't fail anymore, because everything is going to come crashing down on my head (everyone will know what I did the first time and now, my family... my job - even though I'm a civil servant municipality, it's not comfortable for them to know while I'm alive).

It's just that I always wanted to avoid getting to that moment, but it did... I can't live for others anymore, it's not fair

At the same time (because I'm still alive) I'm superfluous afraid of what others will think, of what happens later to them and me...

And it also seems that I'm going to transfer the pain I feel to others, because what led me to that was mainly the pain of various griefs and the bipolar I have. Secondly, the impotence to see time pass and also to feel abandoned by the majority... Also that feeling of "samurai", I am without any honor and humiliated in many ways.

I'm so distressed, I needed words of comfort and I know most of you here go through this, so it's even boring to cry in your ear... Maybe I'm trying to get your attention? I don't know... but there's certainly a lot more involved as well.

The method: I opened my SN 99.9% almost 3 months ago, drank 3 grams (and would have killed me if not found). I don't know if it's viable yet (but the color hasn't changed) and I intend to use 5 to 10g now (25 I don't think I'll get it because I don't even know if all that is left, since I discarded it a lot with irrational fear of getting caught) .

My doubt: If I wake up in the morning (assuming I take it before bed and sleep for 8-10 hours), will I be blue all day? Can I do something to get it back to normal if it fails?
I only have one working day (holiday in my country tomorrow and the next day I have to work)... I wanted to do it last night, but I had a migraine.
I'm from Latin America, not very fluent in English... sorry for mistakes

I'm also from Latin America. Was it hard for you to get SN? I have no idea of how to get it (I know some websites sell it online but I doubt it would actually arrive here)