
Un-
I'm a failure. An absolute waste. A LOSEr.
- Apr 6, 2021
- 652
Add your own if you want to. These are things going through my head, since.. Yeah.
Ironically, I hate making posts like this.. Hyper analysing things, drawing to conclusions that everyone already bloody knows. But for some reason, these small things seem very important when you're getting closer and closer to darkness.
I think loneliness is one of the biggest ones. If you don't have people in your life - people that you're close to or can confide in - you just live a life that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you're dead or alive, sad or content.. If no one cares about you anyways. It's important to.. Realise.. That you need real life friends. Not just online. I learned that the hard way and got severely burned. Online friends can't and don't fill that hole that only physical friends can fill. There's verbal intimacy, but there's no physical intimacy. There's no physical solidarity. There's no physical appreciation of one another.
The other is not being able to enjoy anything. Whether that's because of anhedonia, or because you're in so much pain that you can't appreciate anything.. Because that's what life's about. Enjoying things, no matter how small. And if you can't.. I can't even enjoy food, anymore. For Christmas, my family cooked gammon, turkey, steak, spinach and pumpkin.. We had homemade trifle, ice cream, candy and the whole nine yards, and I didn't enjoy any of it. It was as if my taste buds died. The list goes on of what I don't enjoy... It makes it difficult to get up.. A psychologist that I talked to yesterday asked me that question. When I told her a little bit about my head, she asked me "I don't know how you get up everyday".
The last thing would probably be an inability to be. Yeah. "An inability to be". Life is problems.. Constantly.. And being alive is to overcome those problems in some fashion, to go to a place.. A higher goal. Whatever it is. Look at the grind mindset, or religion or whatever. But, for whatever reason, if you can't solve these problems.. Or if you can't even envision a goal or a place you want to be in, then there's nothing that life can offer you. I don't want to get better because I don't care. I look at the things that people enjoy and I can't understand it. I don't care about being in a relationship anymore. I don't care about family. I don't care about wealth, or hedonism or anything. There's nothing that I can be, or can receive that will make my suffering feel worth it. So, there's no point to confronting the problems in my life.
Ironically, I hate making posts like this.. Hyper analysing things, drawing to conclusions that everyone already bloody knows. But for some reason, these small things seem very important when you're getting closer and closer to darkness.
I think loneliness is one of the biggest ones. If you don't have people in your life - people that you're close to or can confide in - you just live a life that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you're dead or alive, sad or content.. If no one cares about you anyways. It's important to.. Realise.. That you need real life friends. Not just online. I learned that the hard way and got severely burned. Online friends can't and don't fill that hole that only physical friends can fill. There's verbal intimacy, but there's no physical intimacy. There's no physical solidarity. There's no physical appreciation of one another.
The other is not being able to enjoy anything. Whether that's because of anhedonia, or because you're in so much pain that you can't appreciate anything.. Because that's what life's about. Enjoying things, no matter how small. And if you can't.. I can't even enjoy food, anymore. For Christmas, my family cooked gammon, turkey, steak, spinach and pumpkin.. We had homemade trifle, ice cream, candy and the whole nine yards, and I didn't enjoy any of it. It was as if my taste buds died. The list goes on of what I don't enjoy... It makes it difficult to get up.. A psychologist that I talked to yesterday asked me that question. When I told her a little bit about my head, she asked me "I don't know how you get up everyday".
The last thing would probably be an inability to be. Yeah. "An inability to be". Life is problems.. Constantly.. And being alive is to overcome those problems in some fashion, to go to a place.. A higher goal. Whatever it is. Look at the grind mindset, or religion or whatever. But, for whatever reason, if you can't solve these problems.. Or if you can't even envision a goal or a place you want to be in, then there's nothing that life can offer you. I don't want to get better because I don't care. I look at the things that people enjoy and I can't understand it. I don't care about being in a relationship anymore. I don't care about family. I don't care about wealth, or hedonism or anything. There's nothing that I can be, or can receive that will make my suffering feel worth it. So, there's no point to confronting the problems in my life.