Venting They don't care.

[BloodStainedAntlers]

Yesterday evening I had police called on me by someone very close to me (again). This person was afraid that I was going to ctb when I get home (we were out together). This time I didnt try to get away, I just sat there and waited. Officers came, asked me if i was okay and the whole spiel. Then they 'offered' to take me to the station and call an emergency doctor (i was not in an emergency, its basically a service where you can talk to a doctor if you're feeling suicidal or depressed without having the endless wait times that you do for psychological support). At first I didnt want to go because I was sure it wouldn't help. Then I caved in because I was afraid that it would end worse for me if I don't go willingly. So i went. Waited for an hour. Doctor came. I talked to him. I'm bad at verbally talking about my struggles, so I phrase things in such a way that it kind of takes the vulnerability away and creates some distance between what Im describing and myself. But for the first time in years I was honest. I told him about thinking i might have depression of some sorts, but that I suck at talking abt feelings. So he asked me questions. Whether I felt down/melancholic a lot. I said yes. I said either that or i feel nothing at all. He nodded, then asked how my sleep is. I told him its been quite bad but i have times where i sleep a lot and phases where i dont. He asked me if ive ever had thoughts of being 'done with everything'. I said yes. I said that I never had a choice in being born, but nownim here and have to live with it. I said if i had a chouce i wouldve much rather never have been born, and that I dont particularly like being alive. I phrased it this way because I cant say out loud that im deeply tired of living and that my biggest wish is to die (i was afraid of getting hospitalised). He said "well, i think that doesnt inherently mean that you're depressed. A lot of people have thoughts like that. Do you study philosophy by any chance?" I do not. And he just told someone who is on the verge of comitting suicide that "i dont think youre depressed" after asking 3 questions. He asked abt suicidality/suicidal history. I told him abt my big attempt 6 years ago. Told him it got me hospitalised. Then he asked if im having plans right now. I said no because im not stupid and I know thats how they get you into a mental health facility.
Then he gave me the number of the emergency doctor thing (this service i explained earlier). Told me to call if i ever feel like i want to do smth to myself or if i need support. Told me that i dont have to take my life at such a young age. Smiled, shook my hand and sent me on my way.
I felt worse than i did before. I thought maybe if i actually try and talk to someone honestly they'll get me some sort of help. Or atleast acknowledge that something is wrong with me. But no, nothing. I seem to healthy/mentally stable to be taken seriously with my struggles. I smile and make jokes. That throws them off. Youd think they know better, that they understand that some people have immense difficulty expressing their pain and being that vulnerable. But no.

They dont care until you stand at the bridge or have a knife against your neck. They dont care until you're unconscious. It was all for nothing. I tried, I really did, but it was pointless. Seeking help was pointless. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

Dunno why I'm commenting, but within the constraints of the insane industry, if he did you the solid of not dragging you in when he smelled that you weren't feeling like the usual hospital shenanigans and abuse that was a solid and unfortunately maybe the best he could do when the world itself is this fucked up.

If psych, the 'help' they're trained to offer is the medications for better or worse, and if you don't specifically bring that up and they're kind enough not to push, that's all they can do, and even if well meaning it's both convenient and more profitable to introduce those with the hospitalization and monitoring that's usually just not a good trip, and you kinda gotta say the various magic words that unlock those billing codes so they can actually do that (express the obvious crisis, or at least say that you're depressed) but then you'd probably be taking that trip and it would suck or you could attempt the whole negotiation.

Because of confusion in, y'know, movies and TV, it's easy to forget the doctor as a doctor really has only specialized in the neurology for people who may not even believe in neurology match prescription to condition aspects, and anything else is individual courtesy from basically a professional drug dealer or further evidence there's something wrong with you because you're supposed to fully comprehend med schools' and licensing's org charts despite this not being well documented until you're stuck in the nitty gritty, and as confused as Freud existing leaves everyone the Psychiatrist is one job description and the Therapist is another, now more than ever, and they don't even want to step on each other's toes because they're both overbooked / as busy as yuppies can be and will complain about each other if they do.

So that's icky but you'll either get someone gung ho and worse than that or, that where you can look them up later or not, but whether or not the conversation was good or helped 'you gotta understand that's to write the report and particularly write the report if dispensing medication,' and if you even do want to talk it out you really gotta book talk therapy and not diagnosis, but maybe you need the diagnosis to even unlock talk therapy because of insurance or because the therapist won't treat something you're not carrying a diagnosis for.

As much as I got led on for years myself with the 'when are you gonna figure out all this extra talking is just getting a chuckle because you don't know it's not really part of the appointment but I'll let you run your mouth for an hour,' particularly in these past two decades Actual Doctor Time is too valuable and expensive to spend on that except there sure are a lot of psych majors with nothing better to do in private practice if it makes you happier with their pills, so, just saying how it is and why it seems so ridiculous.

FWIW philosophy is the sport of depressed people trying to find some optimism, so it's annoying but e.g. DBT therapy will dig into that and try to give your feelings that much cultural context or affiliate them with various big name thinkers in the philosophy space and whatever their thoughts on them were, while CBT will give you a worksheet about how many times to smile more.

Not saying any of that helps or doesn't, just you got the guy who let you out for not feeling the dramatic and potentially shitty kind of forced intervention without pretending he had a sure cure to pitch and, y'know, what kind of help does help or is actually help?

(Philosophy is mostly very silly but generally provides a vocabulary for some of the deep stuff that provides ways to discuss it in a way that could result in a potentially useless but 'educated' and 'respectable' philosophy degree as opposed to hospitalization, so while that's sort of just marketing for student loans from 30 years ago when academia could still pretend it made the middle class exist, it's also coffee shop/bar/stuck-in-a-boring-workplace talk for the crowd that prefers thinking through why everything sucks.)

 

[itsgone2]

I said that I never had a choice in being born, but nownim here and have to live with it. I said if i had a chouce i wouldve much rather never have been born, and that I dont particularly like being alive.

I feel the same way.
I don't think there's anything that can help us. It's why we don't do this truly open up.
Not enjoying life is a terrible curse