They are onto me, ¿now what? (failed ctb)

[microwaved_dawg]

Yesterday I attempted to CTB. I wanted to just go, no planning, no talk no time. I've been in a critical state lately, getting upset over the smallest thing and yesterday an argument over the most bullshit ass thing with my now ex sent me over the tipping point, the worst part is that I started it, I kind of was just on the look out for a reason and there it was.

It was perfect timing, my mother and my brother at a family function in my aunt's house, my father on a Christmas party at his job and I was all alone. I went to the nearby bridge not caring that it might not be high enough, but I just didn't want to wait more for the SN to arrive, i sat on the railing nearly crying just trying to push myself forwards in order to fall headfirst and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I said goodbye to my now ex (for context, she is the only one that knows about this part of me) and that's when I heard it, the unmistakable sound of my friend's busted ass motorcycle roaring down the fast road leading to the bridge. He got me to calm down and started venting to him, I even told him about the SN, after a while we both got up and returned home luckily before anyone else.

I went to sleep feeling shit and woke up thinking it was just a complete fiasco that wouldn't amount to anything else. I couldn't be more wrong, that woman told on me, now my parents know, my friends know and she decided to break up with me because I was "trying to manipulate her by harming myself" when I just don't know how to push her away, I don't want her pity, I just want to fucking go. Now my parents confronted me about it over the phone and they are taking me to see a therapist when they get home, I don't know what to do. I can't just run away because there are no safe spaces anymore, I don't know how many people know and will judge me. I don't want to return to a psychologist office, not again.

I AM NOT CRAZY, please help me.

-Luis

 

[GoSan1]

I too had to visit a psychiatrist today, or something similar to it. Now have to be admitted to a clinic on Friday.
All because I told my Mother about my situation for whatever reason. I still don't know it up to this day.
So I do know in a way what you experienced...

Now, I can't say much to help you, sadly, but remember, if it all goes down, you can still end it. That's one benefit of this freedom granted to us.
I too wasn't able to bring myself to drink the SN, so don't feel bad about not being able to push yourself over it.

I hope you find peace in the end, whatever you might choose.