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AprilsOrangeSpring

AprilsOrangeSpring

Member
May 12, 2024
22
Last few months, I have been planning. I spent all my time planning how I will CTB, because it has to be perfect. It cannot go wrong.

I was almost ready to finalise the plan, and then I started to get doubts. I was so focused on planning how to actually do it that I forgot how hard it would actually be.

I can't do it. I really fucking want to. I have all the confirmation I need.. It is time to do it, but I can't help feeling like something is missing.

Everything I ever do in life, it always feels like something is missing. It's never enough and I'm never satisfied and I don't know why I thought dying would be any different.

Usually I overlook it and just deal with the regret, but I can't do that. Not with this.

The worst part is the only way for me to finally feel content with it all is something that's just impossible. It's a fantasy, much like most things in my life, and it cant happen.

So, I can't die when I'm unsatisfied with the plan, but I also can never be satisfied with the plan, and the longer I wait the more I want to die and the less I like the plan and there's no way out. There is literally no way out, I don't know what to do.

And why does all of that make me want to vomit?
 
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