Venting it gets to a point

[heroine]

genuinely, I have never accomplished anything in my life. I can't think of a single thing other than very trivial things. I have put in so much effort, and none of it has been fruitful. I can't recall a single time I had a triumphant smile after. the rare times I do something I have been struggling with for a long time, all I'll feel is a brief moment of relief that it's finally done with. I want to be praised for my effort, I want people to tell me "good job!" and tell me how proud of me they are. so childish. I have never received that. I don't remember a single time someone told me they're proud of me. even after I've worked so hard. I can't count the amount of things I've missed out on.

everyone's a liar. people will tell me kind words and this and that, but it's always only a matter of time until they toss me aside, drift apart from me, or betray my trust. no matter how kind I am, no matter how helpful I am, no matter what I do for others, the end result is the same. I will always be hated and unloved and uncared for. I've tried everything. I try so hard, I am supportive and sweet and give advice to all my friends and do and offer things for them and treat them like they're special, and I receive crumbs. someone who made me feel truly loved has been acting differently for the past few months, I'm sure he doesn't love me nearly as much anymore. why? my closest friend, I don't feel like he truly loves me and just some idealized version of me. I can't be both loved and understood.

it's terrible, because I want to live you know? I really do. but what's the point of living a life full of nothing but suffering? I will never be embraced tenderly by someone who loves and cherishes me above anything else and won't ever hurt or leave me. I will never know the warm feeling of being satisfied and happy with the way things are, nor the feeling of being proud of myself and glad I didn't give up, and above all, I will never ever know the feeling of happiness after achieving something I worked hard for.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Do you have what I call Halfway House Syndrome? Where people hang out with you when they're new and they don't know anyone, or they're in some sort of transitional phase, or their other friends aren't around? Then when someone "cooler" comes along they dump your ass?

Me too? Me. Too.

I have started cutting people out of my life who only seem to be there when their other, "better" options aren't available. I'm not a halfway house. I demand respect.

And if you're in the mood for this discussion...what have you tried specifically to generate a feeling of accomplishment?

 

[heroine]

Do you have what I call Halfway House Syndrome? Where people hang out with you when they're new and they don't know anyone, or they're in some sort of transitional phase, or their other friends aren't around? Then when someone "cooler" comes along they dump your ass?

Me too? Me. Too.

I have started cutting people out of my life who only seem to be there when their other, "better" options aren't available. I'm not a halfway house. I demand respect.

And if you're in the mood for this discussion...what have you tried specifically to generate a feeling of accomplishment?

I'm not sure, I don't recall that specifically ever happening to me but I wouldn't be surprised if it has and I don't remember or just didn't know / realize. honestly that's such shitty behavior. I hope that stops happening to you soon, you seem like a cool person. good on you for cutting people like that out, you deserve respect!

and for your second question, I don't know, to me that's truly something that comes naturally. if anything I've tried forcing myself to draw more, but all I get from finishing a piece is exhaustion, finally I finished something, I have so much more to do and with all my unfinished art and things I said I'd draw for people but never did this is nothing. I've tried to work hard to accomplish small things first and that doesn't work out either, ever. thank you for your reply

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'm not sure, I don't recall that specifically ever happening to me but I wouldn't be surprised if it has and I don't remember or just didn't know / realize. honestly that's such shitty behavior. I hope that stops happening to you soon, you seem like a cool person. good on you for cutting people like that out, you deserve respect!

and for your second question, I don't know, to me that's truly something that comes naturally. if anything I've tried forcing myself to draw more, but all I get from finishing a piece is exhaustion, finally I finished something, I have so much more to do and with all my unfinished art and things I said I'd draw for people but never did this is nothing. I've tried to work hard to accomplish small things first and that doesn't work out either, ever. thank you for your reply

Learn the Russian alphabet. I'm learning Russian right now. It's actually not hard to do, but it's a huge stepping stone to learning an essential language.
Also, I really appreciate being told I'm a cool person by people that don't know me and therefore don't have an ulterior motive. Thank you!

 

[heroine]

Learn the Russian alphabet. I'm learning Russian right now. It's actually not hard to do, but it's a huge stepping stone to learning an essential language.

thank you so much, I'll definitely try. good luck learning russian. my problem trying to do things like that is losing all motivation after a certain point, and not "giving up" persay but I just physically can't bring myself to do it anymore after some time. I wonder if it's my ADHD.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Also, do you have executive dysfunction possibly?

 

[heroine]

Also, do you have executive dysfunction possibly?

I do

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I do

That can be fixed. I have it too

 

[heroine]

That can be fixed. I have it too

really? have you been able to fix yours yet to any degree?

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

really? have you been able to fix yours yet to any degree?

Yes, but first...how old are you, and have you ever had occupational therapy?
It's a very easy, almost mindless test for the Cyrillic alphabet. You can do it while watching TV or whatever.

Learn Russian online: Test Russian alphabet

On this site you will learn Russian language, practice Russian vocabulary and have fun.

www.practicerussian.com

 

[heroine]

Yes, but first...how old are you, and have you ever had occupational therapy?

19, and no I haven't

It's a very easy, almost mindless test for the Cyrillic alphabet. You can do it while watching TV or whatever.

Learn Russian online: Test Russian alphabet

On this site you will learn Russian language, practice Russian vocabulary and have fun.

www.practicerussian.com

thank you so much!

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

19, and no I haven't

thank you so much!

Getting your hands on an OT would be ideal, but realistically, if you're over 18 and you don't have the right insurance, it's harder than getting into North Korea. But it's not impossible and I still might be able to help with that. And even if OT isn't an option, there are lots of other hacks around that we can explore if you want. I actually work part-time as a job coach so I have some insider knowledge.

On a more personal note, I'm 35. And I grew up in a very different time. My disability was only recently recognized as even being real so most of what I endured, I endured alone. But I'm still here. And you can still be here too. And you don't have to endure this alone like I did.

The first step to conquering executive dysfunction is honestly to stop fighting it. I'm not going to ask a newborn to eat an 8oz steak so I'm not asking my brain to process large tasks. Do one micro-task a day, and do more if you feel like it. It's better than planning a large task and then failing to complete it. Also, don't do tasks when you know you have time. Do them when you know you have energy. How's that to start?

 

[deathbydesign]

everyone's a liar. people will tell me kind words and this and that, but it's always only a matter of time until they toss me aside, drift apart from me, or betray my trust. no matter how kind I am, no matter how helpful I am, no matter what I do for others, the end result is the same. I will always be hated and unloved and uncared for. I've tried everything. I try so hard, I am supportive and sweet and give advice to all my friends and do and offer things for them and treat them like they're special, and I receive crumbs. someone who made me feel truly loved has been acting differently for the past few months, I'm sure he doesn't love me nearly as much anymore. why? my closest friend, I don't feel like he truly loves me and just some idealized version of me. I can't be both loved and understood.

it's terrible, because I want to live you know? I really do. but what's the point of living a life full of nothing but suffering? I will never be embraced tenderly by someone who loves and cherishes me above anything else and won't ever hurt or leave me.

I completely empathize with everything you wrote. It's a large part of why I'm even a member here honestly.

Do you have what I call Halfway House Syndrome?

I love this term. I've definitely experience it often. Unfortunately it seems I'm like a 5-8 year halfway house before they find someone better.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I completely empathize with everything you wrote. It's a large part of why I'm even a member here honestly.



I love this term. I've definitely experience it often. Unfortunately it seems I'm like a 5-8 year halfway house before they find someone better.

And some of them have the nerve to come crying back to me when they get burned...and some still leave me again!

These days, you get two strikes. If you get married, find a new friend, etc. and you go three months without responding to a text from me, and it happens twice in a row... because you are "busy"... I'm going to assume you're too busy for me and invest my time and energy elsewhere. I'm not chasing someone begging for five minutes of their time.

 

[deathbydesign]

I love that rule. I think I will be using it as well.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I love that rule. I think I will be using it as well.

People love to check into the halfway house when they're engaged or married. Remember that no matter how nice they are to you, you will never be equal to their partner or spouse and they don't genuinely respect you. They can be alone. You've done it all your life.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I think, what you describe, is just life. It's very sad and painful.