Venting there is nothing “wrong” with my life atm, yet i am incredibly unhappy.

[letdown]

on paper, all is good. i am out of the horrible conservatorship i was in a couple months ago. im free to do as i please, spend my money where i want, i am not controlled by an abusive POS anymore. i should be happy, or at least happier. im really not.

no one around me understands how i could be unhappy. i have money, freedom, stability. i have things that many would kill to have, things i would have killed to have a couple months ago. but at the end of the day i feel i truly have nothing.

i just can't seem to move past all the bad stuff i've been through, it's so frustrating. i have flashbacks constantly, i starve myself, i cut myself. i feel like i have a pathetic existence. i just want to feel better, and everything i do to try and feel better makes it worse. i just feel like i don't have any other options. i've been doing some of these unhealthy coping stuff since before i can remember, its very depressing.

there are a few things im waiting on. not so much looking forward to, but i just gotta see what happens before i die. i applied to med school a while back on a long shot, didn't tell anyone, did the interviews in late winter/early spring. october is the soonest i'll figure out if i got in. i don't think i did. but it would suck to permanently disable myself in an attempt and not be able to attend. it's a slim chance, i feel stupid for even having an inkling of hope they would let me in. but being human is annoying like that. i haven't told a soul i applied, so you guys better not tell anyone. i think it'll be bad luck if i tell the people in my life about it.

right now im just passively suicidal. doing stupid and reckless shit in the hopes of just dying. i feel awful and have no idea why. i have crippling insomnia and often sleep only when i pass out. i feel so fat even though im underweight, and go to bed hoping i either lose 10 pounds the next morning or i die in my sleep. i am disfigured because i have cut myself nearly everyday for so many years. i wake up in strange places with people i've never met calling me names i've never heard. i'd be a terrible doctor.

i feel a sense of relief and disgust thinking this is the condition i die in.

 

[TBONTB]

Sounds like it feels even worse to have everything "look good on paper" and feel bad than to feel bad for good reason. It must amplify the "what's wrong with me?"

It sounds like your brain has been attacking you for a long time, and it's not going to change overnight...if at all. Also sounds like you are pretty mad at said brain.

You didn't mention therapy, treatment or psychiatrists. Given a good financial situation, I assume you have explored those things and haven't gotten where you want? If I had a ton of money, I would probably be seeing someone close to daily. And then I'd try to talk myself into the gym. Maybe get some relief?

Whatever you do, I hope you get relief to some extent!

 

[alt131313]

I think a mistake people make when it comes to suicide/suicidal thoughts is focusing too much on the psychological reasons; certainly they exist, but its not exclusive. My life was very good by pretty much every metric, yet all I could think about is dying. Even as my situation improved, I still wanted to die. My problem is biological not psychological, and I learned the hard way that no amount of improving my circumstance is going to change that.

As far as "i wake up in strange places with people i've never met calling me names i've never heard" I would be careful with that. Sadly, there are fates worst than death.

 

[seppuku404]

things i would have killed to have a couple months ago

funnily enough money and stability, or rather the lack of them are what I want to ctb over. If I'd chosen a better major, or put more effort. I just went aimless and now there's one thing that makes me want to live, but I might lose it due to lack of money and stability. having to be away from that happiness. life is fucked