I feel like there's no salvation left for me. In fact, it's almost certain that there's no way out. My entire life, I've never felt anything beyond a deep apathy toward the world — from my childhood to this stage of adulthood.
I never understood people's happiness, I never understood the sense of belonging they have to the places they live, nor the love they feel for each other. All of these things always seemed distant to me, as if nothing belonged to me, and I belonged nowhere. My whole life has been surrounded by a vast emptiness, an emptiness that sometimes feels like it's eating me from the inside.
I never felt love, never felt anger, never truly felt anything toward others. Only indifference. The only emotion I ever knew was a profound and inexplicable boredom.
Only one person managed to pierce that silence within me — someone I could never have, never truly experience. The feelings they stirred in me were too intense, and paradoxically, the worst experience of my life. Because feeling something for the first time also makes you want to tear it out of yourself, as if it were an unbearable wound.
I have been diagnosed with severe depression. I take medications, but they seem to have no effect. Honestly, I no longer want to deal with it. I even made plans to simply "fall asleep" completely. I spoke to a few people about it, perhaps hoping for some gesture or word to save me. But all I found was silence or harshness. And I can't blame them — no one deserves to carry someone like me.
This time, I
am alone.
I never understood people's happiness, I never understood the sense of belonging they have to the places they live, nor the love they feel for each other. All of these things always seemed distant to me, as if nothing belonged to me, and I belonged nowhere. My whole life has been surrounded by a vast emptiness, an emptiness that sometimes feels like it's eating me from the inside.
I never felt love, never felt anger, never truly felt anything toward others. Only indifference. The only emotion I ever knew was a profound and inexplicable boredom.
Only one person managed to pierce that silence within me — someone I could never have, never truly experience. The feelings they stirred in me were too intense, and paradoxically, the worst experience of my life. Because feeling something for the first time also makes you want to tear it out of yourself, as if it were an unbearable wound.
I have been diagnosed with severe depression. I take medications, but they seem to have no effect. Honestly, I no longer want to deal with it. I even made plans to simply "fall asleep" completely. I spoke to a few people about it, perhaps hoping for some gesture or word to save me. But all I found was silence or harshness. And I can't blame them — no one deserves to carry someone like me.
This time, I
am alone.
