Venting The wrongness

[s00ngone]

Nah, something is just fundamentally wrong with me. I'm either missing some fundamental element for compatibility with life or I have an excess of something that nullifies that compatibility. Call it dissociation, call it psychosis, call it characterological bankruptcy. Maybe I'm just the human who couldn't human.

I said I don't despise myself. That's not entirely true. I do loathe myself for this resignation to the grave and the resulting indulgence. I've never been an outright gluttonous person, but lately I don't even care that I owe my parents a significant amount, that I spent ages neglecting the truck they lent me, that all my money should be going towards them and my future - I'm such a sack of shit that all I care to do is buy pastries and stuff my face.

What a joke. Something was always not quite right. Ever the overly sensitive, insecure self-martyr. Always burning alive at senseless nothings. I remember in high school, the guy I was "online dating" at the time brought up Call Me By Your Name once and I couldn't explain why just the mention of it brought on that terrible, limbs-feel-like-lead depression that makes life feel like a curse. It was practically random. That's just been the way I am, to things, all my life. No constitution, I guess. But it's not really a surprise that the same person who used to obsessively spend hours choosing the perfect song for my Instagram story in high school (because I needed to foster the perfectly expressively edgy image for the whole 2 people ever watching my story) to the detriment of, y'know, literally eating and basic responsibilities, would end up being unable to get with the program.

It's almost funny now, in that sad, sorry way, to have ever imagined (pretended) that I'd lead a "normal" life in the way that the guy I seeing/my ex-boyfriend (still weird to say it that way) and his friends, his very normal, very well-adjusted, very not-balls-deep-in-spiritual-psychosis friends with normal-people hobbies and relationships and desires and... you get the point.

I don't even feel like I'm fully articulating the feeling here. Cute, considering that was a major problem and a massive source of stress for me over the years, to the point where I felt like I was manually picking every word as it came out of my brain! Guess it all comes full-circle.

Hhh. What I hate most is that I don't even feel like I deserve to hate myself. I try to comprehend a version of my life where this outcome might have been avoided... and I come up empty. I'm exhausted of myself.

 

[pauly369]

I always felt out of place in this world from age 8 and felt like some kind of alien creature compared to " The normal people ".
It used to worry me deeply, yet nowadays I embrace my differences that seperate me from the rest of society.
I just dont give a fuck anymore.
There is a certain level of peace to be found in letting go.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I was never normal. Even when I was young I was excluded. I feel you... I wish I could do it all over to see maybe my fate could have been different

 

[curiouscvnt]

Genuine question: Why does wrongness or rightness matter?

How do process the existence of taboos? The perception of normalcy and abnormality is influenced by and reinforced by social taboos; if i don't acknowledge something by communicating about it to another person (esp. those who know me personally), it can become easier for me to hold a negative or increasingly intense opinion about it.
Does 'normal' exist, or are you referring to some other type of standard other than a typical or most expected one given some set of circumstances are met?

i also at times feel inclined to think that there is something very abnormal, maybe exceptional, about myself in that i want to die. It seems contrary to some significant parts of nature i.e. every adaptation that helps or could presumably help me survive and retain the ability to reproduce. And there's all these expectations or standards in social and professional settings that i can't help but think (and observe, in the most obvious cases) might have some intentionality to them. i don't think anyone really knows what they're doing, though. Some maybe know more than others, but even then i tend to think that they are taking a lot of things for granted that the others perhaps can't so sure of. Hell, everyone takes some things for granted; that's why collaboration is so huge if you wanna get some project done--everyone has a flaw, but the less overlap in team member's flaws, the more powerful the team. Judging myself by standards that i have no part in making up doesn't make sense to me because then those standards may very well have been set by someone who cannot have know what it is like to live in my own body and mind. Does that make sense?