The View From Halfway Down

[coolliontigerragged]

You know, I've been trying a lot. I've been trying since early January. I tried ODing, partial hanging, SN, jumping- I've tried a bit. Each time something goes comically wrong or I am found and saved at just the last moment. And I have reflected a lot. I cant really play musical instruments well anymore which is kinda my whole thing, but is it bad that even with all these times I have seen the view from halfway down, I still kind of want to reach the ground?

I have honestly stopped and tried regaining a lot of things I have lost from the amount of attempts solely because I just think I cant die, at least not now. Maybe its a sign. I dont know, but is it just weird that even now, "surrounded" by people, dressed in opportunities like playing at a very very globally esteemed concert hall, and being given care, I still want it? I dont know.. do I even know if I want it? I think about it every single day and how crappy unsuccessfully doing this is, and it just makes me want to do it more..

But I also feel selfish in a way? All of these things could go to someone else.. why me? And now because of my selfish acts, I have brain damage. I dont really know how to word all of this.. I kind of just wanted to put this somewhere. Say all of it. I have a diary, but I am scared that someone may read it in real life, but no one I truly know would find this.. I'm sorry if my words dont make sense. This may just be rambling. I dont want to use this as a sort of diary I just want to let this out of my head.. its so hard talking to people here.. even my therapist. I just feel as though I cant talk through this stuff without being understood in a way you guys would.. you guys also wouldnt throw me in the mental hospital.. haha...

 

[Front Back]

Hope you find peace, both way

 

[webb&flow]

I am happy to hear such fine things have come to you :). I hope more nice things come to you . Wishing you the absolute best ❤. What are some of your favorite such things that have happened so far? ^^

 

[somethingisntreal]

Fine, I'll watch bojack horseman again.

 

[coolliontigerragged]

I am happy to hear such fine things have come to you :). I hope more nice things come to you . Wishing you the absolute best ❤. What are some of your favorite such things that have happened so far? ^^

Well my main favorite thing that happened recently is me starting TMS therapy! I've heard a few mixed reactions on it, but I was kinda just a little tired living the way I have been. I still feel the way I do about life (as said above), but I think this has helped me just accept that as a part of me while also seeing the.. I dunno.. color in everything??

Its been a lovely experience, although I am scared I may lose myself. I think things will be fine though.

Fine, I'll watch bojack horseman again.

Yesss go do it I posted this cause I rewatched it after I was hospitalized for a third time! Its a super good poem! And a kinda funny connection to DSL haha.

 

[webb&flow]

TMS therapy!

omg congrats!!! im so glad its been well for you tiger!!!

this has helped me just accept that as a part of me while also seeing the.. I dunno.. color in everything??

yay!!! ^^ i'm so glad for you tiger!

Its been a lovely experience, although I am scared I may lose myself. I think things will be fine though.

may there be new growth and blossom for any loss :)

i think things will be fine too <3

wishing you best with all the lovely experiences to come, tiger! :D

you got this!!!! ^^