The two year anniversary of my failed drop suspension

[Cloud Busting]

For background, you can read this super long ass thread.

Disclaimer:

1) I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. Move if necessary.

2) I'm not selling a sunshine and rainbows story. This is just a summary of where I'm at.

I'm keeping this brief cuz I feel like shit. I'll say this, I dropped therapy, relapsed on meth, went to outpatient for six months, got fired, and have done everything in my power to sabotage everyone around me. I work under the table right now and I keep being an asshole having temper tantrums daily and wearing my boss out. She suggested meds and therapy and that has put me into a sour mood for an entire week.

I do not have it in me to kill myself anymore. It will be on monkey bars if I ever gain it back. But what I do know is I really fucking love a boy. I still would give everything to have never existed, to just disappear forever, and forget this life. It will happen as it does to all of us and I'm no longer afraid of that fact. It will be a well earned and deserved respite; my salvation.

But this boy quit his toxic job and quit meth for me. Few boys are gonna do that for you. I tried everything to sabotage my life and he won't leave me. I'm damaged, I'm broken, and he loves me. My core belief that I'm too toxic to be loved is wrong. He loves me regardless. He's the only thing holding me on. Keeping me going. Even when I can barely pay my bills, or can't pay my stripy sock debt, or whatever. He's not working. I'm calling after this to help him get a doctors appointment so he can get his leg examined cuz it's why he's not working. A strength issue I guess. I helped him get Medicaid. I want the best for him. Id be on the street doing drugs if it weren't for him.

I do not know where my story ends. My life fucking sucks and I'm not off ready to be some motivational speaker preaching the beauty of life. Life is suffering pain and decay. But I do know the loneliness epidemic is tearing our world apart, and I feel beyond lucky to not be lonely.

Ask me questions. Idk what I just posted. Reality sux. I love my man

Eeeeehhhh idefk

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Watching your journey (for lack of a better less nauseating word) has been one of the better things about remaining alive

 

[Cloud Busting]

Watching your journey (for lack of a better less nauseating word) has been one of the better things about remaining alive

That gives the weirdest sense of purpose in my life lol ty

Love that you're still here

 

[Vorty30]

When a door closes, another one opens. No reason to give up on it.

 

[Freedombus'25]

Huh... well as you can see I've been here awhile. I may or may not have come across your posts but honestly....

Im here on and off and my memory is fucked. (Crisis support worker mentioned it the other day. "When you're going through a lot memory can be impacted" I was like gurllll yeah ik I barly remember yesterday now)


Anyway.... reading this I audibly gasped and was feeling a lot. I think its quite beautiful that you have found such a love. I think it's easy to feel undeserving (how do I know lol. I have a friend that has mentioned a few times this yr that if I wasn't me she wouldn't so much into this friendship. I never feel any demeaning feels. This is her 100% honesty smthin ik isn't per say "natural") all in all im still like ???? But what or who am I? Like wtf does that really mean? I dunno yet but ik shes here to stay.


I've tried to push away. Or whatever. When I said I felt like poison. She said im the antidote.



Soooooo alll that to say.... when we as beings are drowning and are loved its hard as fuck to feel deserving.

But reading your story... gives me hope. Im proud of both of you. And im a hella sappy romantic at heart so know im rooting for y'all. Love can save and its ok if it does.


Ik things are not just solved within that but I hope you let yourself receive it a lil more. You deserve it.


I've seen users such as @LaVieEnRose around for awhile so... It made me happy to read that y'all are witnessing each other(ok that sounds weird but yeee)



(I suck at grammer and my minds goin through it hope this makes sense. GL everyone )

 

[Cloud Busting]

Im here on and off and my memory is fucked. (Crisis support worker mentioned it the other day. "When you're going through a lot memory can be impacted" I was like gurllll yeah ik I barly remember now)

I think a lot of care workers say this because they're trying to make you feel seen and heard. Sometimes that falls short and can feel condescending if no solution can be offered or if it's stating out the obvious as if you're a child or something lol

But no worries. I'm on and off here as well, and also a self centered asshole. Mostly I post in recovery. I have really nice messages from people I've still yet to respond to. I tend to ghost my pms after awhile @LaVieEnRose and several other people I'm friendly with here but I don't interact with anyone on a deep level or follow anyone all that closely. Mostly I use this to whine to the void rather than interact with anyone. My most active activity is on my own threads lol. I've seen you around but I've not read your journal on sanctuary in depth (only lightly skimmed) so I'm basically a ghost here and not a legend or something. Haha. Don't feel bad you haven't seen me around.

As for the rest of what you wrote, your relationship with your friend is so beautiful. Most people cannot handle people like us, no matter how many people preach getting help and claiming they're there for you. To find someone who can still love you even when you feel broken and damaged and unlovable is a sacred thing, happy you have that. No amount of therapists or other people telling me I'm lovable was enough to convince me. I'm super lucky to have been able to experience it firsthand and it was the only cure (which again, society and therapists don't understand that.)

I'm glad I've inspired some hope. I've thought about killing myself after I help him with his leg and getting a job as itd be wrong to abandon him while he's vulnerable. Idk. It's still an option on the table. But for the first time I don't just feel like garbage. It's strange.

But yeah I'm always so skeptical of people who act like mental health help was their ticket and life is so worth living. I still have a pretty bleak world view and the stupid actions I made during that attempt still haunt me and I still haven't recovered from them. I'm not hear to preach some miracle, which was part of why I wanted to post, as that's often what you hear in recovery circles. Life… it still sucks haha

 

[R. A.]

Shit, you were pinkribbonscars? I'm pretty sure I saw you around before I bailed for over a year (is that a reference to the song I think it is?). Reading that old thread was something else; you commenting from a new account after it didn't work out was very "rebirth" moment. Truly the stuff of literary genius (if it weren't reality).

Anyway I'm glad that despite life continuing to verily suck you've found a good thing that makes it less. Another person isn't everything and most other people are vile, but a good one can sure do a fucklot of good - especially depending on what our particular demons are. For some people it's literally a life-affirming thing, a catalyst for a shift in their entire self-concept. Like it seems to be with you.

Will be keeping tabs and rooting for you
(P.S. In my mind you are Kate Bush)

 

[Cloud Busting]

Shit, you were pinkribbonscars? I'm pretty sure I saw you around before I bailed for over a year (is that a reference to the song I think it is?). Reading that old thread was something else; you commenting from a new account after it didn't work out was very "rebirth" moment. Truly the stuff of literary genius (if it weren't reality).

Anyway I'm glad that despite life continuing to verily suck you've found a good thing that makes it less. Another person isn't everything and most other people are vile, but a good one can sure do a fucklot of good - especially depending on what our particular demons are. For some people it's literally a life-affirming thing, a catalyst for a shift in their entire self-concept. Like it seems to be with you.

Will be keeping tabs and rooting for you
(P.S. In my mind you are Kate Bush)

Yes! I love the smashing pumpkins (minus Billy Corgan lol) I still recommend Soma as a ctb song.

I remember being scared everyone would disown me for failing (I felt so guilty, like I had pulled an elaborate ruse and a prank) and no one did. I like to think of that thread as an example of how SaSu is really a peer support/pro-choice/harm reduction site than a death cult.

You're so kind to say my "rebirth" was literary genius. If I can ever get the gall to do it (and the funds I'm living in poverty rn) I've considered writing a roman a clef via The Bell Jar. We'll see.

I love you referring to me as Kate cuz the hope she croons in her music is meant to be symbolic of my rebirth.

Glad you came back! I don't remember you prior to your hiatus but the interactions we've had have been lovely. You don't have to keep tabs I'm bad at doing that. I didn't realize ijustwishtodie (I think that was their name) passed until months after and I felt so bad

 

[Freedombus'25]

I think a lot of care workers say this because they're trying to make you feel seen and heard. Sometimes that falls short and can feel condescending if no solution can be offered or if it's stating out the obvious as if you're a child or something lol

But no worries. I'm on and off here as well, and also a self centered asshole. Mostly I post in recovery. I have really nice messages from people I've still yet to respond to. I tend to ghost my pms after awhile @LaVieEnRose and several other people I'm friendly with here but I don't interact with anyone on a deep level or follow anyone all that closely. Mostly I use this to whine to the void rather than interact with anyone. My most active activity is on my own threads lol. I've seen you around but I've not read your journal on sanctuary in depth (only lightly skimmed) so I'm basically a ghost here and not a legend or something. Haha. Don't feel bad you haven't seen me around.

As for the rest of what you wrote, your relationship with your friend is so beautiful. Most people cannot handle people like us, no matter how many people preach getting help and claiming they're there for you. To find someone who can still love you even when you feel broken and damaged and unlovable is a sacred thing, happy you have that. No amount of therapists or other people telling me I'm lovable was enough to convince me. I'm super lucky to have been able to experience it firsthand and it was the only cure (which again, society and therapists don't understand that.)

I'm glad I've inspired some hope. I've thought about killing myself after I help him with his leg and getting a job as itd be wrong to abandon him while he's vulnerable. Idk. It's still an option on the table. But for the first time I don't just feel like garbage. It's strange.

But yeah I'm always so skeptical of people who act like mental health help was their ticket and life is so worth living. I still have a pretty bleak world view and the stupid actions I made during that attempt still haunt me and I still haven't recovered from them. I'm not hear to preach some miracle, which was part of why I wanted to post, as that's often what you hear in recovery circles. Life… it still sucks haha

Thnx for the reply. This is probs the 3rd time my friends told me that and honestly? At first I was skeptical asf?? Bc Im like gurl are you you wanna stay? But alas..


And she isn't the only one and im not saying this to brag bc I still feel like the biggest P.O.S.

And yeee I scroll and my brain sticks to or remembers no worries either way...

I keep thinking "oh if my friend has her kid and then my other goes there and then another is ok in life... ok I can ctb now...

But honestly its... not thar simple. Seems even after these milestones and such people still care.

I cannot reconcile with it. Gratitude helps but damn... it's hard.


And I'm basically rambling a semi incoherent response but my point is even after folks are "ok"
the love doesn't end. If anything increases (I'll be detailing some of that in my journal/vent thread stay tuned lol)


I don't feel deserving. I think I may need always need reminders that I am. I think I may needa accept that. I dunno.




Again im glad you shared and I look forward to following your story. I may not know you but someone(s) do. You are worthy. You are deserving


(I'd type more but exhausted. Long day. Was triggered etc...)

 

[Cloud Busting]

Thnx for the reply. This is probs the 3rd time my friends told me that and honestly? At first I was skeptical asf?? Bc Im like gurl are you you wanna stay? But alas..


And she isn't the only one and im not saying this to brag bc I still feel like the biggest P.O.S.

And yeee I scroll and my brain sticks to or remembers no worries either way...

I keep thinking "oh if my friend has her kid and then my other goes there and then another is ok in life... ok I can ctb now...

But honestly its... not thar simple. Seems even after these milestones and such people still care.

I cannot reconcile with it. Gratitude helps but damn... it's hard.


And I'm basically rambling a semi incoherent response but my point is even after folks are "ok"
the love doesn't end. If anything increases (I'll be detailing some of that in my journal/vent thread stay tuned lol)


I don't feel deserving. I think I may need always need reminders that I am. I think I may needa accept that. I dunno.




Again im glad you shared and I look forward to following your story. I may not know you but someone(s) do. You are worthy. You are deserving


(I'd type more but exhausted. Long day. Was triggered etc...)

Yeah, it can be difficult to reconcile feeling loved when it feels undeserving. It's cool you feel gratitude! Many people are not as appreciative as you. It must mean so much to your friend you aren't taking her for granted. I remember an advice to recover was to practice daily gratitude and my anhedonia was to the point I felt grateful for nothing and it made me feel like I deserved to die

I try not to think of myself as a good or bad person anymore. I'm a nuanced human being who does both good and bad things. Someone once told me life is perpetually striving to be a better version of yourself and that's never left me. Also, it's such a spiritual cliche but in the grand scheme of things you and I are just matter… tiny little specks on a rock in space, but we are all matter, water, energy, all connected as one as a mirror of the universe. So if I'm a reflection of all living things, which I view as grand, I'm just as deserving. Idk that won't be everyone's bag but it helps me.

Also the only thing that's forever is death, that's why I can't wait for it. No attachment will be pure peace. Loss is the most painful element of life, but being aware of impermanence makes it easier for me when I lose. I'm terrified of losing this boy so preparing for his eventual end makes it easier than clinging

Hope tomorrow is a better day! I'm pretty tl;dr and wish I was more brief ngl


Also just realized in old thread I wrote about my friend finding me right before I was gonna attempt and 5 am and well… guys he's now my bf lol