Jisatsu
é»ćčč(The Black Rose)
- Jan 5, 2025
- 2,012
I hallucinate nonstop well about 80 percent of the time , I can tell they aren't real... usually....but it's always crazy how convincing the mind can be .
I have trauma from being raped , being assaulted and from losing many friends and partners from suicide. Not only that but I have trauma from my many attempts , the shame in the people's faces that can no longer love me because of my mental illnesses... and the abandonment from people I thought loved me.
If there is one thing I've learned from my 26 years of life , it's that people are far worse then my mind could ever be.
They tell me not to trust my mind , that it's only hurting me if I sit in it and let it keep me depressed.... why ? Because the only thing that's disappointing me most in life is other people.
Everyone leaves .
They either want to get into your pants or they want to get into your head.
Anyways....back on the subject of how fucked I am.
I see my dead exes. I hear them talk to me but it's not their voices anymore , I don't remember their voices. I have conversations with them when I'm alone.... and I'm alone ... days on days now .I feel like im losing my mind .
They tell me that being dead isn't bad . They whisper that they still love me and that I should join them when I'm ready.
I sometimes feel arms wrap around me when I'm crying in bed . Like I'm not completely alone ... only to turn around and the sensation is gone.
I can't sleep , I stay up all night and only drift off for 3 to 4 hours now. The nightmares of the patients and bodies in the morgue ... haunt me everyday.
I go through so much internal pain ...
It feels like my mind is melting ... like I'm being stabbed over and over and over and over and over .
All of my coping mechanisms are gone .
Nothing works.
I'm tired .
Exhausted...
I have no joy in this life anymore .
And even if i was offered it in some form... I'd deny it because I'm done letting this cycle repeat .
I'm done giving a shit... because all I've ever done is give a shit and look where that got me...
I have scars all over myself...I have brain damage from overdoses ... amd people say that's what's wrong with me..
But they never understood that I did all those things because I was trying to hold onto just about anything to stay alive . Well I'm done.
Done clawing my way back up . Its time I let me finally break .
I have trauma from being raped , being assaulted and from losing many friends and partners from suicide. Not only that but I have trauma from my many attempts , the shame in the people's faces that can no longer love me because of my mental illnesses... and the abandonment from people I thought loved me.
If there is one thing I've learned from my 26 years of life , it's that people are far worse then my mind could ever be.
They tell me not to trust my mind , that it's only hurting me if I sit in it and let it keep me depressed.... why ? Because the only thing that's disappointing me most in life is other people.
Everyone leaves .
They either want to get into your pants or they want to get into your head.
Anyways....back on the subject of how fucked I am.
I see my dead exes. I hear them talk to me but it's not their voices anymore , I don't remember their voices. I have conversations with them when I'm alone.... and I'm alone ... days on days now .I feel like im losing my mind .
They tell me that being dead isn't bad . They whisper that they still love me and that I should join them when I'm ready.
I sometimes feel arms wrap around me when I'm crying in bed . Like I'm not completely alone ... only to turn around and the sensation is gone.
I can't sleep , I stay up all night and only drift off for 3 to 4 hours now. The nightmares of the patients and bodies in the morgue ... haunt me everyday.
I go through so much internal pain ...
It feels like my mind is melting ... like I'm being stabbed over and over and over and over and over .
All of my coping mechanisms are gone .
Nothing works.
I'm tired .
Exhausted...
I have no joy in this life anymore .
And even if i was offered it in some form... I'd deny it because I'm done letting this cycle repeat .
I'm done giving a shit... because all I've ever done is give a shit and look where that got me...
I have scars all over myself...I have brain damage from overdoses ... amd people say that's what's wrong with me..
But they never understood that I did all those things because I was trying to hold onto just about anything to stay alive . Well I'm done.
Done clawing my way back up . Its time I let me finally break .
