Venting The struggle is real.

[tfnb]

I've been flirting with CTB for a while now. I have a long history of martial arts and I did security for almost a decade so I'm intimately familiar with blood chokes. Because of that I've been interested in the night night method. I've flirted with it. I've found the best and most comfortable way to do it. I've brought myself right to the point of passing out and then stopped. It's scary how unscary it is. It just feels like falling asleep. I've been choked unconscious in submission wrestling and jits and it's nothing like that. There's no fear component whatsoever. It's like a mistress that you can feel and smell and taste.

And then there are the kids. You can't CTB because of the kids. You can't have them come in to your room and see you. And feel you. And hug you hoping that you wake up. And you won't. It's not their fault. It's not anyone's fault but it's especially not theirs.

My SO is working away from home during the week. They're staying in a hotel, away from home. They told me they've been thinking about CTB lately. I wasn't worried. I was jealous. What I wouldn't give for a hotel room to CTB. Where my kids won't walk in on me. Where I wouldn't have to feel the guilt that makes me stay.

 

[Foreverix]

This is a predicament. Both you and your SO have suicidal thoughts? I'm all for an individual's right to death. But, and this may be an unpopular opinion, I can't say I like the idea of forsaking one's own children in voluntary death, outside of extreme circumstances.

I don't believe anyone chooses to have children, but they are biologically inclined and driven to it, whether knowingly or not. Regardless, if one procreates and continues to rear and raise what they've created, one claims responsibility for their survival and wellbeing. I agree that the kids wouldn't be at fault (they didn't choose to exist), but they may greatly struggle to understand your decision and could very well blame themselves for a large part of their life. Though, all of this assumes they are your biological children, which I'm unsure of.

At the end of the day, your life is in your hands, all ethical considerations aside. But those children have suffering to face even with the best of circumstances, and loss of a parent would more than likely increase that suffering exponentially.

I could be wrong, so I stand to be corrected here and welcome it. If anything I've said is insensitive, I truly apologize.

Sending a hug

 

[tfnb]

Oh don't read too far I to this. I've accepted the inevitable suffering I have to endure until they're old enough to take care of themselves. This was just a vent.

 

[Foreverix]

Oh don't read too far I to this. I've accepted the inevitable suffering I have to endure until they're old enough to take care of themselves. This was just a vent.

I have a tendency to do just that. I didn't see the vent tag until just now.

Silly me.

The hug remains!