The relief I feel from preparing to CTB is so unfair

[ljknljnlkjn]

I ordered SN yesterday. I felt "relieved" that I found a way to do it safely.

But then I realize what I'm relieved about, and it makes me so sad.

It feels so real all of a sudden. I'm actually taking steps to kill myself.

If I succeed there's no reward. Either nothingness or eternal pain. And definitely pain for my mom and sister.

I fucking hate how relieving it feels to take steps towards suicide.

I'm so distressed. I just need a hug right now. I wish I was a baby and that something would hug me and calm me down and tell me that it's going to be okay. Why is growing up such hell?

 

[just_a_guy]

Ordering it doesn't mean you have to use it immediately. If you're conflicted about going through with it and about the consequences to those around you, maybe try anything you can before you use the SN. Give life a real shot so you know you've done everything you can when you make your choice, regardless of what that choice is. Growing up is difficult and more difficult for some people than others. My first suicidal thoughts happened around 12 years old and it wasn't easy but I pushed through and I'm glad I did. I'm not saying that sticking around is for everyone but I tried to find hope in the darkness and I made it out. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey

 

[uncat_]

I wish I was a baby and that something would hug me and calm me down and tell me that it's going to be okay. Why is growing up such hell?

i know what you mean, man. i miss when all i had to worry about why shitting my pants and getting food //:
honestly, that hasn't changed, though
lmao

 

[buoy]

I ordered SN yesterday. I felt "relieved" that I found a way to do it safely.

But then I realize what I'm relieved about, and it makes me so sad.

It feels so real all of a sudden. I'm actually taking steps to kill myself.

If I succeed there's no reward. Either nothingness or eternal pain. And definitely pain for my mom and sister.

I fucking hate how relieving it feels to take steps towards suicide.

I'm so distressed. I just need a hug right now. I wish I was a baby and that something would hug me and calm me down and tell me that it's going to be okay. Why is growing up such hell?

Wish I could hug you too friend.
I can't imagine how conflicting and confusing those emotions mixing feel.
I'm here for you, as much as I can be. I hope for you to become healthy and happy, but if that never finds you, then swift peace.

I hate wishing that to all these beautiful people.

Be well.