Venting the queer experience is horrible / general vent

[eternal-peace]

just wanted to get this off my chest here since nobody i talk to seems to understand at all. im a gay 18 year old and i hate it. this isnt some internalised homophobia bs like everyone keeps telling me, ive already accepted that im gay, ik that i cant change that. i just hate the experience of it, i hate how horribly lonely it is especially in a smaller town and when you want something more serious than just the casual one night stuff. i feel so isolated and lonely all the time. im turning 19 soon and havent had any romantic experiences whatsoever, whilst all my friends are in such happy and loving relationships and i dont care if you judge me for this but yes, im insanely envious of them, because its not fair at all. ive tried putting myself out there like everyone says to, but all i got were 30-50 year old men and even a 60 year old man messaging me. i so desperately just want to be loved gently like all my friends are, but it seems like whatever i do doesnt work because im just a body for other men to use. and yes, ive been wanting to die over this. i dont care how dumb it sounds, but i cant take it. i already feel like life in general has no meaning at all, but watching everyone around me getting what ive been yearning for so badly, living their happiest lives just hurts so bad and i cant stop thinking what ive done to get a life like this. why did it have to be me? was i that horrible of a person in a past life or something? im so scared of dying alone. i just want someone who makes me feel like its worth waking up every single day. im just really starting to feel like i wont find that person in this life. i dont want to accept that, but what other choice do i have? is there anyone else feeling this way?

 

[Quietist]

You are 18, going on 19.

Basically still a kid figuring out the world and you have plenty of time to meet people who may turn out to be significant others.

Your current experience is not emblematic of a future doomed to be alone.

You mentioned you live in a smaller town, so I'm assuming the pool for potential partners is slimmer than that of a city.

Do you plan on leaving town some day, maybe to go to college, or just to travel?

When you venture out into the world, you will open yourself up to new experience and a result, new people.

 

[eternal-peace]

You are 18, going on 19.

Basically still a kid figuring out the world and you have plenty of time to meet people who may turn out to be significant others.

Your current experience is not emblematic of a future doomed to be alone.

You mentioned you live in a smaller town, so I'm assuming the pool for potential partners is slimmer than that of a city.

Do you plan on leaving town some day, maybe to go to college, or just to travel?

When you venture out into the world, you will open yourself up to new experience and a result, new people.

yeah theres barely any queer people here.. im lucky if theres like 10 other gay men around. ill hopefully be able to move in around 2-3 years to a big city. just kinda hurts seeing people be so ahead in life, like i dont feel grown up at all.. everyone else has their licenses, own cars even, jobs, relationships etc. i just dont really feel like ive accomplished anything really and i dont have much confidence in myself

 

[Quietist]

yeah theres barely any queer people here.. im lucky if theres like 10 other gay men around. ill hopefully be able to move in around 2-3 years to a big city. just kinda hurts seeing people be so ahead in life, like i dont feel grown up at all.. everyone else has their licenses, own cars even, jobs, relationships etc. i just dont really feel like ive accomplished anything really and i dont have much confidence in myself

It's normal to feel this way at this age.

You're a liminal period of life, moving from adolescence to adulthood.

But in spite of what society says, you are not obligated to have everything figured out right now.

You are not obligated to match other people's milestones, or achievements, or timelines.

Hell, some people have to restart their lives at 30 or 40.

There are no rules.

If the lack of momentum in your life is overwhelming you, then start with one goal at a time and work towards achieving it.

 

[eggsausagerice]

im a gay 18 year old and i hate it. this isnt some internalised homophobia bs like everyone keeps telling me, ive already accepted that im gay, ik that i cant change that. i just hate the experience of it, i hate how horribly lonely it is especially in a smaller town and when you want something more serious than just the casual one night stuff. i feel so isolated and lonely all the time. im turning 19 soon and havent had any romantic experiences whatsoever, whilst all my friends are in such happy and loving relationships and i dont care if you judge me for this but yes, im insanely envious of them, because its not fair at all. ive tried putting myself out there like everyone says to, but all i got were 30-50 year old men and even a 60 year old man messaging me. i so desperately just want to be loved gently like all my friends are, but it seems like whatever i do doesnt work because im just a body for other men to use. and yes, ive been wanting to die over this. i dont care how dumb it sounds, but i cant take it. i already feel like life in general has no meaning at all, but watching everyone around me getting what ive been yearning for so badly, living their happiest lives just hurts so bad and i cant stop thinking what ive done to get a life like this. why did it have to be me? was i that horrible of a person in a past life or something? im so scared of dying alone. i just want someone who makes me feel like its worth waking up every single day.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/gay-queer-loneliness-making-me-feel-1-ft-tall.246705/

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ime-but-i-cant-stand-anyone-or-myself.242573/

posts i made recently you might (no idea) relate to. i'm in a similar situation, but the case for me is that it didn't get better because i was never able to move away. i know it could be different for you, because you have the potential to push yourself to do things or might have more opportunities or help in the future. there will always be people willing to help a young person, and my biggest mistake was pushing people away so that i wouldn't burden them. it's a trap a lot of people fall into when they're already lonely. it becomes more normal to be lonely and push people away. i've always been resistant to help.

i can't say that i hate being gay, because i think that it can be beautiful and that all forms of love are beautiful. but living in an isolated small town with mostly closeted gay people (my 2 queer friends are closeted because we all live with our parents) will make you feel like your life would be better if you were straight. it's just a really painful place to be mentally and emotionally when you do want to be loved, but no one's there to love you in the way you need and when you try to look for queer people in the area it's gross old guys that have no hair. being gay and isolated is hard and it hurts when no one is able to understand what it's like when only straight people are attracted to you, but you want nothing to do with them. i wanted you to know that there are lots of people that relate to being stuck in their hometown. almost everyone i know hates living here and probably secretly wishes they were dead. it doesn't make it any less lonely, but i guess it's nice to know that other people feel suicidal living in the suburbs too.

 

[iguazo falls]

man it does suck, i lived most my life similarly where i lost out on teen love, and feeling pretty objectified by whoever i did manage to find. but i think you have some hope if you save up and move out. i did that and now all the time there are queer people around me just living their life. it might not solve the dilemma of loneliness and relationships many young people face due to the times, but i think just seeing more young gay people around you and establishments/events for gay people (or events that aren't just for dating but welcome queer people) will do you some good. it took me a few months before actually relaxing because i'm not in a shitty regional town, or in my parent's house afraid of being gay or whatnot. i still feel a bit fomo when it comes to "having a community" (humans will humans and be cliquey) but i have made acquaintances and a friend with shared experiences, and also talk to non queer people who aren't hostile and its some good reprieve.

when i was 18 i was ready to just wait out my life because i figured i wouldn't find anyone nor be able to be myself but at 19 i saved up so i could move out, transition and it fell in line with getting together with my bf. i'm sorry i don't mean to flex or anything, and i still find myself reading posts from others who are all like "it gets better i don't want to die now" and i think its some bullshit that will never happen to me, but i would say at least try to travel/move out before CTB or giving up forever. even if you just have a friendly chat with someone, or maybe if there is a peer support resource around you, it might help. biggest help i recieved in my life was looking at my state's LGBT resources and finding a telephone on going peer support thing (not a typical helpline thingy) and talking to someone who had been through the same things. i don't usually bloomer/hope post but your environment is probably the problem and being a zoomer compounds the isolation. being 18-19 and getting my shit together wasn't fun and i'm sorry your family hasn't been more supportive or unable to help with getting your licence sooner (or whwhatever reason), i think getting your license, and then whatever ID stuff you need is a really good start. a decent peer support person should be able to support you with some of this as well. i am 20 now and still grumpy but more free.

my apologies if you did not want advice but your post reminded me of myself and i am just wishing you the best with being able to actually live.