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Why Me?

-
Apr 5, 2022
270
So my emotionally weak self opened up to the person I live with, giving him the impression that I was going to kill myself, without saying that I was going to, saying things like:

" I'm going to have to do my last resort," "When I Ieave, I'm not coming back," "When you finally care, it will be to late," "I'm going to finish writing my life story so I can leave it behind."

So then he goes behind my back, and calls my oldest sister, tells her I'm suicidal, and she calls the police. I'm oblivious to all of this, like 30 - 40 minutes later, I'm using the bathroom, and someone knocks on the door, saying "Hey, can you come out and talk to us, and tell us what's going on? It's the police." I'm thinking, what the hell?!!!! I'm shocked, so I got to sit on the living room sofa, and talk to 2 police offers, trying to tell them I'm fine, but they keep asking me questions about why the guy I lived with would call, and what's going on. Because I talk too damn much when I'm super depressed & I want help, I'm just telling them about how the living situation is unclean & makes me feel trapped and stuff, and how he's not listening to me. The police were nice, and kept trying to talk to me more, but were trying to get me to go to the hospital, and I straight up refused, telling them it's a waste of time, and I'm fine. Then they told me to talk to a "screener" some woman over the phone, so she could make sure I'm OK, BIG MISTAKE on my part, I should have never agreed. She asked me questions about whether I was depressed and stuff, and I cried about my situation, saying I feel hopeless, and when she asked me if I've had suicidal thoughts within the last 30 days, I paused, and couldn't bring myself to tell such a bold lie, so I said I don't want to answer the question, because I think you guys are trying to hospitalize me.

After I answered her questions, the police said that the screener woman said that she thinks I should come to the hospital for an evaluation, I refused. I said no, you can't force me, I want to know my rights. The police said that they can force me, so I had to leave with them, and get into the ambulance to be taken to the hospital. It was a circus of police & EMTs outside. Before I left, I had also called my sister, and simply asked her if she called the police, and she gaslighted me, deflected, and yelled at me, even while I told her that the guy I live with & the police already told me that she called. She yells at me "Don't involve me in this!!!" Now, is that the way a sister should treat a suicidal person? One of the police officers told me to not speak to her anymore since it was upsetting me, and was telling me if I need someone to talk to I can call him. But, I kept telling him, talking is not going to fix my situation. The police gave me a phone number for a woman with social services, and told me to call her, but I know it will just probably be homeless shelters. Only after looking a damn mess, and telling all my business did they make me realize that they had cameras on them recording everything.

When I get to the hospital, the emergency room doctor, had seen me last time a couple months ago, when I came and was discharged the same night from my mother calling the police, so this time he's like "Hey, I've seen you before, this time you should stay for a couple days so that we can really help you." He's like "Yeah, we will help you with housing, there will be a TV in your room, We'll give you a brain scan to help with your vertigo (because I told him meds make me feel sick). Unfortunately, I believed him, admitted myself to the hospital, then realized he told me a bunch of lies.

So I'm in there from Tuesday to Thursday, saw a psychiatrist who was mean & cold, for only like 2 mins 3 times, and she gaslighted me, and fed me BS, along with the social worker. All I got out of them was a new medication that didn't make me feel sick like the last meds, but it's not really helping me either. My brain feels slower like maybe it's helping with anxiety, but I'm having trouble sleeping, I am still aware that my life has been a nightmare, and I still need to CTB, and I was still breaking down crying a few times in the hospital, but I had to hide it. I actually was in my room making CTB plans on a piece of paper for something really soon. That mental hospital was the most laziest, dirtiest waste of time I've seen.

I was scared that the guy I live with was not goin to allow me back, but he came and brought me some clothes I requested. While visiting me, he told me that he wants me out, and I'm like I need to get housing, so in the meantime, please allow me to clean & stuff, and he still refuses. I decided to call my sister, because I wanted her to ask my mother (the evil psycho who destroyed my life) to give me extra money this month, but my sister said she would only do it if I allowed her to speak to the hospital about my condition. I had already refused when the staff had asked me before, and I told my sister no, because obviously she cannot be trusted. I also started to get emotional about how she broke my heart by not allowing me to come to her house for a lil escape from my situation, and she had the audacity to start gaslighting me, making it seem like I'm acting like a mental case, and saying that she wants to be able to speak to the staff, but I knew she just wanted them to increase my meds so that I would be less of a problem for her. My sister is a malignant narcissist. After talking to her, I made up my mind to really really try and commit myself to CTB by the end of the month. I have a day picked out, and I hope I can go thru with it.

I told everybody that going to the mental hospital would only make me worse & waste my time. I got absolutely no therapy in there, got lied to about housing, and had to sit around with mentally ill strangers drawing in coloring books, watching TV, and stuff, and l even had to see another patient's penis 2 times, because I had to let the nurse know that they need to stop ignoring him with their lazy selves, his pants were a mess. Anyway, I'm out now, so back to my CTB plans! Lesson learned, I need to not be so weak and shut the hell up about them, and just do it! My method is still a risky & brutal one, but it's all I got now.
 
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L

lookingforsanctuary

Experienced
May 14, 2023
202
What an awful experience you had. I'm so sorry.
 
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Valky

Valky

Petulant Child
Apr 4, 2023
1,321
I am so sorry That you had to go through such a bad experience :/

I gotta say tho, they cops seemed to be unbelievably nice.

Your sister in the other hand….
'Don't involve me in this'??
Besides the fact that she involved herself she is still your sister. I am honestly sickened that she would only ask your mother in exchange for your medical information. Now is really not the time to pressure someone into something.

And the guy kicking you out now?? Wow.

Again, I am incredibly sorry. That really is a lot.
I really wish MH services would be better..

Anyways, I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do!!
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Tortured by evil humans
Sep 24, 2020
35,213
That sounds so horrible what you've been through, to me it's always such a terrible idea to be open about suicide in this anti-suicide society as after all we exist in a world which punishes suicidal people simply for wanting to make the logical decision to leave this world, which is a decision in which they have every right to make.
 
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S

sadshrike

Member
Feb 2, 2022
14
So my emotionally weak self opened up to the person I live with, giving him the impression that I was going to kill myself, without saying that I was going to, saying things like:

" I'm going to have to do my last resort," "When I Ieave, I'm not coming back," "When you finally care, it will be to late," "I'm going to finish writing my life story so I can leave it behind."

So then he goes behind my back, and calls my oldest sister, tells her I'm suicidal, and she calls the police. I'm oblivious to all of this, like 30 - 40 minutes later, I'm using the bathroom, and someone knocks on the door, saying "Hey, can you come out and talk to us, and tell us what's going on? It's the police." I'm thinking, what the hell?!!!! I'm shocked, so I got to sit on the living room sofa, and talk to 2 police offers, trying to tell them I'm fine, but they keep asking me questions about why the guy I lived with would call, and what's going on. Because I talk too damn much when I'm super depressed & I want help, I'm just telling them about how the living situation is unclean & makes me feel trapped and stuff, and how he's not listening to me. The police were nice, and kept trying to talk to me more, but were trying to get me to go to the hospital, and I straight up refused, telling them it's a waste of time, and I'm fine. Then they told me to talk to a "screener" some woman over the phone, so she could make sure I'm OK, BIG MISTAKE on my part, I should have never agreed. She asked me questions about whether I was depressed and stuff, and I cried about my situation, saying I feel hopeless, and when she asked me if I've had suicidal thoughts within the last 30 days, I paused, and couldn't bring myself to tell such a bold lie, so I said I don't want to answer the question, because I think you guys are trying to hospitalize me.

After I answered her questions, the police said that the screener woman said that she thinks I should come to the hospital for an evaluation, I refused. I said no, you can't force me, I want to know my rights. The police said that they can force me, so I had to leave with them, and get into the ambulance to be taken to the hospital. It was a circus of police & EMTs outside. Before I left, I had also called my sister, and simply asked her if she called the police, and she gaslighted me, deflected, and yelled at me, even while I told her that the guy I live with & the police already told me that she called. She yells at me "Don't involve me in this!!!" Now, is that the way a sister should treat a suicidal person? One of the police officers told me to not speak to her anymore since it was upsetting me, and was telling me if I need someone to talk to I can call him. But, I kept telling him, talking is not going to fix my situation. The police gave me a phone number for a woman with social services, and told me to call her, but I know it will just probably be homeless shelters. Only after looking a damn mess, and telling all my business did they make me realize that they had cameras on them recording everything.

When I get to the hospital, the emergency room doctor, had seen me last time a couple months ago, when I came and was discharged the same night from my mother calling the police, so this time he's like "Hey, I've seen you before, this time you should stay for a couple days so that we can really help you." He's like "Yeah, we will help you with housing, there will be a TV in your room, We'll give you a brain scan to help with your vertigo (because I told him meds make me feel sick). Unfortunately, I believed him, admitted myself to the hospital, then realized he told me a bunch of lies.

So I'm in there from Tuesday to Thursday, saw a psychiatrist who was mean & cold, for only like 2 mins 3 times, and she gaslighted me, and fed me BS, along with the social worker. All I got out of them was a new medication that didn't make me feel sick like the last meds, but it's not really helping me either. My brain feels slower like maybe it's helping with anxiety, but I'm having trouble sleeping, I am still aware that my life has been a nightmare, and I still need to CTB, and I was still breaking down crying a few times in the hospital, but I had to hide it. I actually was in my room making CTB plans on a piece of paper for something really soon. That mental hospital was the most laziest, dirtiest waste of time I've seen.

I was scared that the guy I live with was not goin to allow me back, but he came and brought me some clothes I requested. While visiting me, he told me that he wants me out, and I'm like I need to get housing, so in the meantime, please allow me to clean & stuff, and he still refuses. I decided to call my sister, because I wanted her to ask my mother (the evil psycho who destroyed my life) to give me extra money this month, but my sister said she would only do it if I allowed her to speak to the hospital about my condition. I had already refused when the staff had asked me before, and I told my sister no, because obviously she cannot be trusted. I also started to get emotional about how she broke my heart by not allowing me to come to her house for a lil escape from my situation, and she had the audacity to start gaslighting me, making it seem like I'm acting like a mental case, and saying that she wants to be able to speak to the staff, but I knew she just wanted them to increase my meds so that I would be less of a problem for her. My sister is a malignant narcissist. After talking to her, I made up my mind to really really try and commit myself to CTB by the end of the month. I have a day picked out, and I hope I can go thru with it.

I told everybody that going to the mental hospital would only make me worse & waste my time. I got absolutely no therapy in there, got lied to about housing, and had to sit around with mentally ill strangers drawing in coloring books, watching TV, and stuff, and l even had to see another patient's penis 2 times, because I had to let the nurse know that they need to stop ignoring him with their lazy selves, his pants were a mess. Anyway, I'm out now, so back to my CTB plans! Lesson learned, I need to not be so weak and shut the hell up about them, and just do it! My method is still a risky & brutal one, but it's all I got now.
Ugh that's awful. I hate how as soon as police and other authorities get involved in these matters they basically straight up lie and coerce people who are suicidal and in crisis instead of just being a supportive human and listening. It's so traumatizing and inhumane. It pisses me off. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that bs.
 
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Pidgeons_Sparrows

Pidgeons_Sparrows

-flying rat
Apr 16, 2023
628
What the fuck your sister is an asshole
Im so sorry you had to go through this ):: this is why ill never tell anyone i know IRL before i CTB.
 
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ThisIsLife

ThisIsLife

Specialist
Feb 3, 2023
371
Between you and all of those people you had to deal with, they are the ones who need to be put in a mental hospital, including the psychiatrist.
What you've been going through is kafkaïesque.
 
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Livingvsdying25

Livingvsdying25

Enlightened
Dec 8, 2019
1,188
Honestly.... woah.. I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you. I can definitely relate in a lot of ways that it chilled me a little.

I don't know exactly how you feel obv bc I am not you but I can imagine and its fucking rough. I hope you know you do not deserve this. You deserve housing. You deserve care. You deserve for ur sister to fuck off.

Honestly the way people can make someone's suffering about themselves just really enrages me now. My family did similar.

When we are suicidal we deserve more care. Not less. That is something I am learning myself and its hard to wrap my head around.

All that to say... my heart seriously goes out to you. I wish I had more than just words to give...
 
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