So my emotionally weak self opened up to the person I live with, giving him the impression that I was going to kill myself, without saying that I was going to, saying things like:
" I'm going to have to do my last resort," "When I Ieave, I'm not coming back," "When you finally care, it will be to late," "I'm going to finish writing my life story so I can leave it behind."
So then he goes behind my back, and calls my oldest sister, tells her I'm suicidal, and she calls the police. I'm oblivious to all of this, like 30 - 40 minutes later, I'm using the bathroom, and someone knocks on the door, saying "Hey, can you come out and talk to us, and tell us what's going on? It's the police." I'm thinking, what the hell?!!!! I'm shocked, so I got to sit on the living room sofa, and talk to 2 police offers, trying to tell them I'm fine, but they keep asking me questions about why the guy I lived with would call, and what's going on. Because I talk too damn much when I'm super depressed & I want help, I'm just telling them about how the living situation is unclean & makes me feel trapped and stuff, and how he's not listening to me. The police were nice, and kept trying to talk to me more, but were trying to get me to go to the hospital, and I straight up refused, telling them it's a waste of time, and I'm fine. Then they told me to talk to a "screener" some woman over the phone, so she could make sure I'm OK, BIG MISTAKE on my part, I should have never agreed. She asked me questions about whether I was depressed and stuff, and I cried about my situation, saying I feel hopeless, and when she asked me if I've had suicidal thoughts within the last 30 days, I paused, and couldn't bring myself to tell such a bold lie, so I said I don't want to answer the question, because I think you guys are trying to hospitalize me.
After I answered her questions, the police said that the screener woman said that she thinks I should come to the hospital for an evaluation, I refused. I said no, you can't force me, I want to know my rights. The police said that they can force me, so I had to leave with them, and get into the ambulance to be taken to the hospital. It was a circus of police & EMTs outside. Before I left, I had also called my sister, and simply asked her if she called the police, and she gaslighted me, deflected, and yelled at me, even while I told her that the guy I live with & the police already told me that she called. She yells at me "Don't involve me in this!!!" Now, is that the way a sister should treat a suicidal person? One of the police officers told me to not speak to her anymore since it was upsetting me, and was telling me if I need someone to talk to I can call him. But, I kept telling him, talking is not going to fix my situation. The police gave me a phone number for a woman with social services, and told me to call her, but I know it will just probably be homeless shelters. Only after looking a damn mess, and telling all my business did they make me realize that they had cameras on them recording everything.
When I get to the hospital, the emergency room doctor, had seen me last time a couple months ago, when I came and was discharged the same night from my mother calling the police, so this time he's like "Hey, I've seen you before, this time you should stay for a couple days so that we can really help you." He's like "Yeah, we will help you with housing, there will be a TV in your room, We'll give you a brain scan to help with your vertigo (because I told him meds make me feel sick). Unfortunately, I believed him, admitted myself to the hospital, then realized he told me a bunch of lies.
So I'm in there from Tuesday to Thursday, saw a psychiatrist who was mean & cold, for only like 2 mins 3 times, and she gaslighted me, and fed me BS, along with the social worker. All I got out of them was a new medication that didn't make me feel sick like the last meds, but it's not really helping me either. My brain feels slower like maybe it's helping with anxiety, but I'm having trouble sleeping, I am still aware that my life has been a nightmare, and I still need to CTB, and I was still breaking down crying a few times in the hospital, but I had to hide it. I actually was in my room making CTB plans on a piece of paper for something really soon. That mental hospital was the most laziest, dirtiest waste of time I've seen.
I was scared that the guy I live with was not goin to allow me back, but he came and brought me some clothes I requested. While visiting me, he told me that he wants me out, and I'm like I need to get housing, so in the meantime, please allow me to clean & stuff, and he still refuses. I decided to call my sister, because I wanted her to ask my mother (the evil psycho who destroyed my life) to give me extra money this month, but my sister said she would only do it if I allowed her to speak to the hospital about my condition. I had already refused when the staff had asked me before, and I told my sister no, because obviously she cannot be trusted. I also started to get emotional about how she broke my heart by not allowing me to come to her house for a lil escape from my situation, and she had the audacity to start gaslighting me, making it seem like I'm acting like a mental case, and saying that she wants to be able to speak to the staff, but I knew she just wanted them to increase my meds so that I would be less of a problem for her. My sister is a malignant narcissist. After talking to her, I made up my mind to really really try and commit myself to CTB by the end of the month. I have a day picked out, and I hope I can go thru with it.
I told everybody that going to the mental hospital would only make me worse & waste my time. I got absolutely no therapy in there, got lied to about housing, and had to sit around with mentally ill strangers drawing in coloring books, watching TV, and stuff, and l even had to see another patient's penis 2 times, because I had to let the nurse know that they need to stop ignoring him with their lazy selves, his pants were a mess. Anyway, I'm out now, so back to my CTB plans! Lesson learned, I need to not be so weak and shut the hell up about them, and just do it! My method is still a risky & brutal one, but it's all I got now.
" I'm going to have to do my last resort," "When I Ieave, I'm not coming back," "When you finally care, it will be to late," "I'm going to finish writing my life story so I can leave it behind."
So then he goes behind my back, and calls my oldest sister, tells her I'm suicidal, and she calls the police. I'm oblivious to all of this, like 30 - 40 minutes later, I'm using the bathroom, and someone knocks on the door, saying "Hey, can you come out and talk to us, and tell us what's going on? It's the police." I'm thinking, what the hell?!!!! I'm shocked, so I got to sit on the living room sofa, and talk to 2 police offers, trying to tell them I'm fine, but they keep asking me questions about why the guy I lived with would call, and what's going on. Because I talk too damn much when I'm super depressed & I want help, I'm just telling them about how the living situation is unclean & makes me feel trapped and stuff, and how he's not listening to me. The police were nice, and kept trying to talk to me more, but were trying to get me to go to the hospital, and I straight up refused, telling them it's a waste of time, and I'm fine. Then they told me to talk to a "screener" some woman over the phone, so she could make sure I'm OK, BIG MISTAKE on my part, I should have never agreed. She asked me questions about whether I was depressed and stuff, and I cried about my situation, saying I feel hopeless, and when she asked me if I've had suicidal thoughts within the last 30 days, I paused, and couldn't bring myself to tell such a bold lie, so I said I don't want to answer the question, because I think you guys are trying to hospitalize me.
After I answered her questions, the police said that the screener woman said that she thinks I should come to the hospital for an evaluation, I refused. I said no, you can't force me, I want to know my rights. The police said that they can force me, so I had to leave with them, and get into the ambulance to be taken to the hospital. It was a circus of police & EMTs outside. Before I left, I had also called my sister, and simply asked her if she called the police, and she gaslighted me, deflected, and yelled at me, even while I told her that the guy I live with & the police already told me that she called. She yells at me "Don't involve me in this!!!" Now, is that the way a sister should treat a suicidal person? One of the police officers told me to not speak to her anymore since it was upsetting me, and was telling me if I need someone to talk to I can call him. But, I kept telling him, talking is not going to fix my situation. The police gave me a phone number for a woman with social services, and told me to call her, but I know it will just probably be homeless shelters. Only after looking a damn mess, and telling all my business did they make me realize that they had cameras on them recording everything.
When I get to the hospital, the emergency room doctor, had seen me last time a couple months ago, when I came and was discharged the same night from my mother calling the police, so this time he's like "Hey, I've seen you before, this time you should stay for a couple days so that we can really help you." He's like "Yeah, we will help you with housing, there will be a TV in your room, We'll give you a brain scan to help with your vertigo (because I told him meds make me feel sick). Unfortunately, I believed him, admitted myself to the hospital, then realized he told me a bunch of lies.
So I'm in there from Tuesday to Thursday, saw a psychiatrist who was mean & cold, for only like 2 mins 3 times, and she gaslighted me, and fed me BS, along with the social worker. All I got out of them was a new medication that didn't make me feel sick like the last meds, but it's not really helping me either. My brain feels slower like maybe it's helping with anxiety, but I'm having trouble sleeping, I am still aware that my life has been a nightmare, and I still need to CTB, and I was still breaking down crying a few times in the hospital, but I had to hide it. I actually was in my room making CTB plans on a piece of paper for something really soon. That mental hospital was the most laziest, dirtiest waste of time I've seen.
I was scared that the guy I live with was not goin to allow me back, but he came and brought me some clothes I requested. While visiting me, he told me that he wants me out, and I'm like I need to get housing, so in the meantime, please allow me to clean & stuff, and he still refuses. I decided to call my sister, because I wanted her to ask my mother (the evil psycho who destroyed my life) to give me extra money this month, but my sister said she would only do it if I allowed her to speak to the hospital about my condition. I had already refused when the staff had asked me before, and I told my sister no, because obviously she cannot be trusted. I also started to get emotional about how she broke my heart by not allowing me to come to her house for a lil escape from my situation, and she had the audacity to start gaslighting me, making it seem like I'm acting like a mental case, and saying that she wants to be able to speak to the staff, but I knew she just wanted them to increase my meds so that I would be less of a problem for her. My sister is a malignant narcissist. After talking to her, I made up my mind to really really try and commit myself to CTB by the end of the month. I have a day picked out, and I hope I can go thru with it.
I told everybody that going to the mental hospital would only make me worse & waste my time. I got absolutely no therapy in there, got lied to about housing, and had to sit around with mentally ill strangers drawing in coloring books, watching TV, and stuff, and l even had to see another patient's penis 2 times, because I had to let the nurse know that they need to stop ignoring him with their lazy selves, his pants were a mess. Anyway, I'm out now, so back to my CTB plans! Lesson learned, I need to not be so weak and shut the hell up about them, and just do it! My method is still a risky & brutal one, but it's all I got now.
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