Venting The path to ctb is filled with boredom and loneliness

[INTJme]

Just a week to go and I don't have anything to do. I just play online poker and browse SaSu all day. How much would I love to talk to someone openly about my plans and share my last thoughts but there's nobody I can open up to. I have friends and I'm surrounded by people but I can't be myself. I have to wear a mask all day and pretend everything is fine. Nobody has even noticed how I no longer have client calls even though I stopped working back in October. No wonder whenever anyone commits suicide, friends and family are shocked; nobody is really paying attention.

Just the other day I met my childhood friend who's 6 months pregnant. She told me how two weeks ago she almost ctb on impulse because her husband was treating her like trash. How much did I want to tell her about my plans! But ofc I couldn't. I ended up counselling her and felt like a hypocrite.

I am bored and I feel lonely. I wish I could feel real love one last time but ofc it's not gonna happen. I just pig out on junk food and cigarettes all day to have any sort of dopamine activity going in my brain.

Also, there's tons of unprocessed trauma I've swept under the rug and they're threatening to come out. I remind myself the end is near and that I just need to hold on for a li'l bit more. 7 days more and I'll never have to deal with them.

 

[sauan]

Still with Thiopental orally ?

 

[INTJme]

Still with Thiopental orally ?

Yes... but combining it with plastic bag over my head to make it foolproof.

 

[bipbapbop]

Yes, the journey to CTB is so quiet.

It feels like I can't breathe, but I can't tell anyone about it. I hate how I can't share this feeling with the people around me without getting sectioned or at least forced onto some kind of unpleasant situation. I wish I could just tell them and have them listen, but if that level of empathy and support was available in our society then I also believe that many of us would not even want to CTB. Rising suicide rates are a symptom of a pro-life society.

Anyways, you can always chat here or send me a DM if you want to talk. I hope your journey is peaceful if nothing else.

 

[FailedArtist]

Hey, I think I know what you mean. I have come to a sort of peace since I decided I would ctb. Yet part of that peace I feel is from not worrying about how I'm going to deal with the unending problems in my life. I see hope in finally being rid of all the worry and pain and this actually makes me feel better everyday knowing it will all end soon. This makes me want to share how I feel with people but I don't, or at least I try to stop myself from revealing too much. I become very worried that someone will call the cops on me and I'll be taken back to the psych ward and held without my consent. The possibility of this happening becomes much greater if I share too much about how I feel to others. So I understand the loneliness, because I wish I could talk to someone without fear of being punished and having my rights taken away. Anyways, some days are harder than others but I keep returning to the inevitability of me leaving this place.

 

[Captainfalconcrou]

I relate to your thread, I might have been naive but before i actually decided to ctb, I thought the last days/weeks would be filled with peace, but loneliness seems to take over