the only reason that i am alive is fed up with me

[xoirse]

the love of my life is tired of my constant overthinking, and i can feel how it's weighing on both of us. he became my reason to hold on, the light that made me want to keep living when i had almost given up. he gave me hope, but lately i keep finding ways to mess things up because of my own fears and self-sabotage. now he sees me differently, lesser than him, and that breaks me inside. i know i've hurt him, and i keep telling myself it's my fault, but it still hurts so much. i wish i knew how to stop ruining the things i care about most. i have been trying and i have only been so careful with everything but i can't avoid being such a fuck up not only for me but everyone around me. all i was trying to do was to avoid hurting him or fucking up even more but it seemed like every choice leads to more shit. i have resorted to praying and begging to the lord to make anyone go away but him yet it seemed like he has already made his choice despite not telling me yet, idk, i can just feel it. if i have to beg again infront of him then i will and i am so willing to cuz he'll always be worth it to me, worth everything to me and idk how i could hurt someone who mattered that much to me, i hate myself for that but i have been trying so hard. it just hurts me that he already knows how much i struggle with this stuff yet he just couldn't understand. but i have been trying.

can anybody provide me the fastest way out rn?? cuz all the things i needed to ctb are all gone and it was SN that i ordered overseas. and the people and link that i bought it from are gone LOL probably got caught or wtv, kinda regret throwing it away lol i'm so done with throwing up and purging myself the second i feel sad and trap myself in the bathroom for the whole day crying about it, forcing myself to vomit to at least make the pain feel bearable and easier

 

[MyShadow]

the love of my life is tired of my constant overthinking, and i can feel how it's weighing on both of us. he became my reason to hold on, the light that made me want to keep living when i had almost given up. he gave me hope, but lately i keep finding ways to mess things up because of my own fears and self-sabotage. now he sees me differently, lesser than him, and that breaks me inside. i know i've hurt him, and i keep telling myself it's my fault, but it still hurts so much. i wish i knew how to stop ruining the things i care about most. i have been trying and i have only been so careful with everything but i can't avoid being such a fuck up not only for me but everyone around me. all i was trying to do was to avoid hurting him or fucking up even more but it seemed like every choice leads to more shit. i have resorted to praying and begging to the lord to make anyone go away but him yet it seemed like he has already made his choice despite not telling me yet, idk, i can just feel it. if i have to beg again infront of him then i will and i am so willing to cuz he'll always be worth it to me, worth everything to me and idk how i could hurt someone who mattered that much to me, i hate myself for that but i have been trying so hard. it just hurts me that he already knows how much i struggle with this stuff yet he just couldn't understand. but i have been trying. can anybody provide me the fastest way out rn?? cuz all the things i needed to ctb are all gone and it was SN that i ordered overseas. kinda regret throwing it away lol

Perhaps therapy and couple's counseling is the better alternative to ending your life

 

[xoirse]

Perhaps therapy and couple's counseling is the better alternative to ending your life

i don't know, it seems like i'll be forcing him to be with me which is something i don't want. i'd prefer to go than stay w someone who doesn't wanna be with me anymore

 

[MyShadow]

i don't know, it seems like i'll be forcing him to be with me which is something i don't want. i'd prefer to go than stay w someone who doesn't wanna be with me anymore

There's only one to find out: a conversation.

Relationships are hard. Dealing with pain, trauma, mental illness complicates things even more. Apparently, I'm no expert because my relationships crumbled, but I hope that yours is successful and that you can both find love and peace within it.

 

[darkizz]

im sorry its turning out for you this way.
Did you try to talk to him about? Like actually with your problems, feelings all on the line. (and please not be with me or else)
Maybe it can help, or maybe it can give you at least some reassurance and a way to step forward.
If you still wanna do it fastest way without needing much stuff probably going to be hanging/drowning but maybe not the easiest way to ctb.

 

[xoirse]

There's only one to find out: a conversation.

Relationships are hard. Dealing with pain, trauma, mental illness complicates things even more. Apparently, I'm no expert because my relationships crumbled, but I hope that yours is successful and that you can both find love and peace within it.

i already tried that, we've had that conversation, and he even said it himself that he's fed up with me. i wish it were that simple, but it feels like i've already done everything i could. there's nothing left to do. everything else besides that would just be me forcing it.

im sorry its turning out for you this way.
Did you try to talk to him about? Like actually with your problems, feelings all on the line. (and please not be with me or else)
Maybe it can help, or maybe it can give you at least some reassurance and a way to step forward.
If you still wanna do it fastest way without needing much stuff probably going to be hanging/drowning but maybe not the easiest way to ctb.

thank you for ur suggestion, i will definitely consider it. and yes, i have tried that already but it seems like no matter how much i tell him over and over again about how i feel, nothing changes, i already hurt him and i don't think he'll ever understand