Annnnnd a good night to everyone else, I'm up for the day again. Weird. i opened Opera and was already signed into ss as someone else. Wouldn't let me access anything though. Spooky.
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
Still having extreme brain fog. Also exhausted. Just want to sleep but the room is spinning around like I'm on the Tilt-a-Whirl.
Then this starts— I'm cold so I put the covers on. A minute later I'm hot so I kick the covers off. A minute later I'm cold again so I put the covers back on. A minute later I'm hot so I kick the covers back off. Repeat until you want to pull all of your hair out and smash your face into a brick wall!
Where the hell is that bus?! I am ready to get on!
faust
lost among the stars
- Jan 26, 2020
- 3,138
Ye, it is getting cold and still no bus... Does closing your eyes help a little bit? Sending you a warm hug!
@BlueWidow I accidentally wrote a short poem, maybe you will find it interesting:
If death can come to us,
Why can't we come to it?
If driver stops the bus,
Why can't we take a sit?
If heavy autumn rain
Can't make us feel alive,
If we just live in vain, -
We simply cannot thrive.
If doomed to live alone,
We're lonely on the cliff.
If we are still forlorn
There is no point to live
In sunshine and the moon
If feelings still are dark
Why is there only gloom
And eyes don't have a spark?
If life is just a shame,
Why can't we simply die?
The glory and a fame
Is not for us, - goodbye!
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The birds are singing outside, spring is almost here despite the bad weather. Always, winter seems to have one last push before the warmer weather comes.
If I was at home I'd be getting the garden ready. Preparing the pond, cutting out any dead plants to make way for the new growth.
Spring for me was a time of wandering in the countryside. I'd take my bag and trowel and take plant samples from the moors and from the woodland to bring back to the garden and plant in a similar space. I particularly liked boggy plants and my little wildlife pond had a massive diversity of local flora for the critters to enjoy. And if I didn't find any new plants my bag would invariably be filled with other people's rubbish (especially water bottles from joggers on the moors). Some plants in the pond would flourish to excess and those that did I'd dig up and replant them somewhere else in the countryside.
Now all this is gone, my home is long behind me. The new owners have ripped out the lower floor, destroying its character in favour of modern living. I'm sure its very cool, but gone is the mantle over the fireplace where my dad stood in the evenings with a cigar and a whisky after work. Gone is the bright and happy breakfast room with its dog-proof floor and the small but cosy kitchen. Gone is the sunny dining room where we had Christmas meals. I dread to think what they've done to the garden. All the hard work building the terrace from discarded stone work scavenged from the back streets. They'll probably tear it all up and landscape. It was way too eclectic for most people.
People say I should go back and visit. Are they mad? Why would i want to do that, to see everything I've lost?
This spring I will sit here in The Bunker and remember.
If I was at home I'd be getting the garden ready. Preparing the pond, cutting out any dead plants to make way for the new growth.
Spring for me was a time of wandering in the countryside. I'd take my bag and trowel and take plant samples from the moors and from the woodland to bring back to the garden and plant in a similar space. I particularly liked boggy plants and my little wildlife pond had a massive diversity of local flora for the critters to enjoy. And if I didn't find any new plants my bag would invariably be filled with other people's rubbish (especially water bottles from joggers on the moors). Some plants in the pond would flourish to excess and those that did I'd dig up and replant them somewhere else in the countryside.
Now all this is gone, my home is long behind me. The new owners have ripped out the lower floor, destroying its character in favour of modern living. I'm sure its very cool, but gone is the mantle over the fireplace where my dad stood in the evenings with a cigar and a whisky after work. Gone is the bright and happy breakfast room with its dog-proof floor and the small but cosy kitchen. Gone is the sunny dining room where we had Christmas meals. I dread to think what they've done to the garden. All the hard work building the terrace from discarded stone work scavenged from the back streets. They'll probably tear it all up and landscape. It was way too eclectic for most people.
People say I should go back and visit. Are they mad? Why would i want to do that, to see everything I've lost?
This spring I will sit here in The Bunker and remember.
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BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
I like the poem! Actually, when I close my eyes I see flashes of light, stars and diamonds, things like that. It's almost like I'm on a drug trip without any drugs. The dizzy spells are similar to what I feel when I'm drunk, only I'm not drunk. When I get out of bed, I stumble around and bump into things like I'm drunk.
Hugs to you too.
faust
lost among the stars
- Jan 26, 2020
- 3,138
@BlueWidow Oh, I know those psychotic things. And the altered states of course. Often feel like I am drunk and when I get some altered states, it is like I am on something heavier. And if I do not fully close my eyes, the play begins
BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
I'm sorry to hear that some new people have bought your house and completely ruined it. I understand what you're talking about. I had to sell the house that my husband and I shared. A house that he spent over 10 years working on nonstop, turning it from the neighborhood eye sore into a beautiful house with a beautiful garden. He liked to do a lot of things that you were describing as well, picking out plants for his garden and doing other renovation projects. My husband was one of those people that could look at something that looked just horrible and, instead of seeing what it actually was, he would always see it as it could be. I was heartbroken when I had to sell the house, but it was just too big and expensive for me to live in and keep up by myself. Plus it was hard living there in the house I shared with him when he wasn't there. I still have former neighbors that I text with who are still there and they're constantly trying to tell me what the guy that bought the house is doing with it. I keep telling them that I don't want to know what he's doing with it because I know he's messing up everything that my husband worked so hard on.
Do you ever fly around outside of your body when you're sleeping or anything? I've been doing that a lot recently. I feel like I'm practicing for when I ctb and can completely escape from it. The only downside is that right before I wake up, I feel myself being violently jerked back into my body and it's a very unpleasant feeling. I absolutely hate it. It's just one more reason that I hate waking up in the morning.
I've also been recently troubled by hearing my husband's voice. He passed away in October 2017. I can hear him as if he's right next to me and he's trying to tell me something. I know it's his voice, but I can't understand what he's saying and it's very irritating. I hope he's telling me that it's okay to ctb because that's what I intend to do.
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faust
lost among the stars
- Jan 26, 2020
- 3,138
@BlueWidow Well, I experienced it once. I was dreaming that I left my body while sleeping. And the next time was like I am already dead, I am invisible and can fly. I felt pretty good, I am dead and that's it, no joy and no pain. But one person whom I know somehow saw me and offered me to have a drink. So, I was invisible and stole a bottle of vodka from the shop and we had a drink. But I realized it's just a dream only when I recalled I am on antidepressants and nothing bad happened to me after a drink.
I used to experience some feelings of a free-fall and more often dream paralysis.
Sometimes it is good to have dreams, they allow you to run away from reality and see something new.
I am sorry your husband passed away but I hope it is just for a while and you will definitely reunite! I suppose it is not very easy to make a contact with you if he tries to speak to you, that's why probably you can't hear him well.
I used to experience some feelings of a free-fall and more often dream paralysis.
Sometimes it is good to have dreams, they allow you to run away from reality and see something new.
I am sorry your husband passed away but I hope it is just for a while and you will definitely reunite! I suppose it is not very easy to make a contact with you if he tries to speak to you, that's why probably you can't hear him well.
That's such a wonderful skill. That's the sort of thing that has always inspired me. Every house I've ever lived in, I've worked on or done the garden. Always leave a place in a better state than when you found it. You are having a hard time right now, I'm so sorry
I have always had very lucid dreams, but I've always known they were dreams and could control them to a certain extent. After my dad died many years ago, I saw him in a very vivid dream. It was odd for me because it was from a first person perspective and that's not how I normally dream. He was standing in the breakfast room by the table we used to have Sunday lunch on when I was young. It had the white cloth over it, but nothing on the table, it was bare. He looked happy and healthy. he looked at me and smiled and said 'Don't worry about me, I'm okay.' Then he faded from view and I woke up. I confess, it felt very real, like he'd actually spoken to me. I have no idea if this was just my mind projecting what i wanted to hear (though it doesn't usually do that). But it felt real, unlike any dream I'd ever had before.
Quarky00
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2019
- 1,956
Glad to hear that , as I was worried
This should really be in recovery Outpatient is ideal for many people , I dare say most .
- The framework forces professionals to be more attentive and really do daily checkups , which are lacking in community care and inpatient . Mistreatment means losing a patient which has consequences for the clinique (a community psychiatrist cares less). In a large hospitals this may also allow broader medical attention for other conditions .
- For patients , being able to do stuff for few hours , but not forced to or removed from home/community , while building nice routine , is really beneficial . Even having a few minutes of "daily chat" is good -- often nonexistent (!) with inpatient or regular therapy.
I'm not a kitchen-sinker, so I will now vanish from this place. *poof*
When I get post for the previous owners of this house, I put 'Not at this address, please return to sender (address overleaf)' on it and pop it back in the letterbox. Important stuff usually has the sender's address on the back. I got one from the DWP a few weeks back and did this. Today, the same envelope with my scrawl on it came back through my letterbox. Idiots. I've written on it again and will re-post it again though I'm sure whatever is inside its too late for them now. I bet I get it back again. And I'll post it again. Lol, such a minor thing and no skin off my nose. I didn't want the previous occupants to miss any post, but now my stubborn button has been pressed.
But... computer...says...no...must do what...computer says...
idiots.
But... computer...says...no...must do what...computer says...
idiots.
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
BooGirl
Warlock
- Jan 10, 2020
- 750
CyanideSoup
Memento mori
- Oct 1, 2019
- 463
I think social services are going to take my daughter away because I'm suicidal and bought SN and they found out. They're having a big conference about it and they didn't even tell me they just told my mum. I'm having a meltdown
BooGirl
Warlock
- Jan 10, 2020
- 750
I'm so sorry! It seems kinda jerky for them to do it without telling you.I think social services are going to take my daughter away because I'm suicidal and bought SN and they found out. They're having a big conference about it and they didn't even tell me they just told my mum. I'm having a meltdown
NonsenseTrash
Student
- Jan 19, 2020
- 158
I'm so sorry. That's awful. You should be included and involved in something that major. Thats your daughter. I cant even imagine what that must be like.I think social services are going to take my daughter away because I'm suicidal and bought SN and they found out. They're having a big conference about it and they didn't even tell me they just told my mum. I'm having a meltdown
Carina
Angelic
- Dec 22, 2019
- 4,005
Morning all. On phone as getting readyfor work.
All the talk this morning about homes. Ctb temps. And especially things by @BlueWidow kind of made me think of something just odd that had been on my mind.....
Does SN make you feel cold or warm during?
So many in my family would hear others before they died....kind of like they were the ferry people to whatever was after.
So much harder to type on the phone.
All the talk this morning about homes. Ctb temps. And especially things by @BlueWidow kind of made me think of something just odd that had been on my mind.....
Does SN make you feel cold or warm during?
So many in my family would hear others before they died....kind of like they were the ferry people to whatever was after.
So much harder to type on the phone.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
How are the voices?I think social services are going to take my daughter away because I'm suicidal and bought SN and they found out. They're having a big conference about it and they didn't even tell me they just told my mum. I'm having a meltdown
BooGirl
Warlock
- Jan 10, 2020
- 750
I feel like I'm more suicidal when I'm dead tired. Or not really dead tired, but more tired.
Yesterday was a lost day. In bed reading and sleeping to drive away fear. Missed an important event.
Now this morning frozen in fear again and scheduled for a video interview this afternoon.
Argh
Now this morning frozen in fear again and scheduled for a video interview this afternoon.
Argh
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Alrighty now. Waking up even though I couldn't sleep with increased SI and Depression. It's going to be a crappy day. Sinus headache too.
Took my meds.
Coffee
Vinegar (we shall see)
Shower and brush teeth
Start with that. Nothing impulsive.
Took my meds.
Coffee
Vinegar (we shall see)
Shower and brush teeth
Start with that. Nothing impulsive.
What time I'd your interview and what are you wasting? I loved video interviews. You didn't have to leave!
I have to go to a place with stronger WiFi fir video. Plus if I could pull myself out if bed I'd be more focused.
The interview is at 3. Need a couple hours to prep.
I'm mad at myself fir missing the immersive experiences meetup yesterday. I'm sure it was fascinating and I'd wanted to be able to network follow up with the woman leading it.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Can't live in the past.
1. What are you wearing
2. What will you be eating
3. Where will you go
The church where u do political work has given me an office to use. My usual jacket fir video interviews. Coffee.
waiting fir my roommate to leave so I dint have to listen to her assessment of my mental state.
waiting fir my roommate to leave so I dint have to listen to her assessment of my mental state.
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Eat! No dizziness or stomach growling!!!
Ok.
I washed cat dishes and cleaned the box. This was not on the list. Proud I remembered.
Coffee made. Back in bed.
Shouldn't you legally be involved in that as her parent?I think social services are going to take my daughter away because I'm suicidal and bought SN and they found out. They're having a big conference about it and they didn't even tell me they just told my mum. I'm having a meltdown
Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Like I am not having enough problems.... having a hot flashes from hell day. Increased depression and SI today. Going to be a what can go wrong will kind of day.
I think I'm either dehydrated or... I don't know.
I get slightly dizzy every couple of hours, weird weaknes in knees.
And yet my stomach is full of water! Since I'm at work, I see no reason to spare on water! Where the hell is all this water going?!
I'm pondering buying Gatorade or whatever after work. It tastes absolutely awful, but I heard it has electrolytes or whatever, which makes it good somehow.
I get slightly dizzy every couple of hours, weird weaknes in knees.
And yet my stomach is full of water! Since I'm at work, I see no reason to spare on water! Where the hell is all this water going?!
I'm pondering buying Gatorade or whatever after work. It tastes absolutely awful, but I heard it has electrolytes or whatever, which makes it good somehow.
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Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Happened to me. I get the water. I have to drink because of my Bariatric Surgery.
Get a bottle of Power Ade, Gaterade, or one of those sports drinks. I do sugar free. You need the electrolytes. It's an easy fix.
I try to drink a 32 ounce bottle a day. It helps.
