BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
D463dbb 0365ec33 5ce3 4d73 a60e 9a8d8755badf

Crap! Here comes the dizzy again and my coffee is cold so I have to go heat it up. Going to put something in the door though so it can't close and lock me out of the bedroom again! I'm watching that door very closely now. I am suspicious of it. I suspect it's plotting against me. LOL!
 
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Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
Almost time for me to leave... I probably won't find out if @BlueWidow gets locked out out or not
Well not until I get back at least lol--hope she doesn't though!
 
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Ame

Ame

あめ
Nov 1, 2019
322
The last I knew they had changed the formula and they now have 3 cal each instead of one and a half. They used to have it in the advertising that they were only one and a half calories each. Then they changed the formula sometime in the early 2000's. I'm not sure why they changed it, but the last I knew they still had 3 cal each.

This may seem ridiculous to others (especially if they haven't dealt with an eating disorder) but I can understand how this change would freak you out. If a the recipe of once "safe food" changed in this way, even by a few calories, I would strike it off my list too. I don't eat TicTacs but I always thought that consumables under 5 calories l were listed as "0 calories" on the nutritional information label. This is good to know.

Once you have an eating disorder it never goes away and since I can't lose weight no matter what I do, I just have to block all that stuff out because if I didn't I'd probably go swallow all of my SN right now because of how heavy I am.

Realizing that AN-R will likely be a chronic condition that I will have to manage for the rest of my life is probably one of the bitterest pills that I've had to swallow although, I'd much rather be downing secobarbital pills lol. On paper I am doing a lot better and have been stuck in this amazing "partial remission" limbo for some years now. Still, I am left with the same thoughts and the only thing that has changed is that I am occupying a heavier (albeit underweight) body. Knowing that I can just punch my own bus ticket is the only thing that keeps me from a full blown relapse. I'm sorry that you seem to be feeling something similar.
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
This may seem ridiculous to others (especially if they haven't dealt with an eating disorder) but I can understand how this change would freak you out. If a the recipe of once "safe food" changed in this way, even by a few calories, I would strike it off my list too. I don't eat TicTacs but I always thought that consumables under 5 calories l were listed as "0 calories" on the nutritional information label. This is good to know.



Realizing that AN-R will likely be a chronic condition that I will have to manage for the rest of my life is probably one of the bitterest pills that I've had to swallow although, I'd much rather be downing secobarbital pills lol. On paper I am doing a lot better and have been stuck in this amazing "partial remission" limbo for some years now. Still, I am left with the same thoughts and the only thing that has changed is that I am occupying a heavier (albeit underweight) body. Knowing that I can just punch my own bus ticket is the only thing that keeps me from a full blown relapse. I'm sorry that you seem to be feeling something similar.
Yes, It's hard sometimes. When I moved to my current home in 2018, I had my elliptical trainer put in the bedroom. My thinking was once I recovered from the move and all the other stuff I'd been through, I would be able to start exercising and getting back into a routine. Then my thyroid started going down again and the doctors won't give me enough medicine to even keep me functional, so I sit here longingly looking at my elliptical wishing I could get on and exercise. I've gotten on it a few times but within five minutes I'm so dizzy that I have to get off of it or pass out. Starving without exercising for me is useless because I won't lose any weight, again due to my thyroid. The only way I lose weight is if I do extreme amounts of exercise and extreme amounts of starving. A so-called middle of the road "sensible diet", doesn't work for me because my metabolism is screwed up, partly from all the past eating disorder behavior, but mostly because my thyroid is messed up and it controls your metabolism and your energy level. So my thyroid makes it impossible for me to exercise or lose weight, but the doctors keep me on too low of a dose of medicine to allow me to exercise normally and then yell at me and blame every health problem I have on my weight.
 
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Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
Yay you didn't get locked out @BlueWidow

--------

I am in a weird mood.... I"m torn between a number of t hings I want to do.... and really, none will be done out of any of them
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
Yay you didn't get locked out @BlueWidow

--------

I am in a weird mood.... I"m torn between a number of t hings I want to do.... and really, none will be done out of any of them
I'm familiar with that mood. :heart:
 
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Jean4

Jean4

Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
Apr 28, 2019
7,557
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Backwood_tilt

UnEnlightened
Dec 27, 2019
889
oof, both the darknet/F threads on page one of SD juts got deleted. sigh.
 
Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
Well I just found a naked picture of my ex.... I knew I had good taste. rofl
 
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Backwood_tilt

UnEnlightened
Dec 27, 2019
889
yeah, i guess so. We arent allowed to link directly to domains (which i understand) but onion links (there was only one mentioned - as far as i can tell) aren't even accessible by most people or crawlable.

One of the threads had no mention of where to go. Just some great basic info on a drug and how it interacts with a body, and the precautions one can take in trying to procure it (without mentioning where!).
 
Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
Oh ok. Makes sense
yeah, i guess so. We arent allowed to link directly to domains (which i understand) but onion links (there was only one mentioned - as far as i can tell) aren't even accessible by most people or crawlable.

One of the threads had no mention of where to go. Just some great basic info on a drug and how it interacts with a body, and the precautions one can take in trying to procure it (without mentioning where!).

I mean not saying they'd even say why... but you'd probably have to PM a mod and ask for the exact reason. But they may say they can't say, hard to tell. But if you really want to know for certain :)
 
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Backwood_tilt

UnEnlightened
Dec 27, 2019
889
I do not feel they are obligated to give me a response or anything of the sort, by the dictates of this forum and its general structure.

I am just pained that useful resources for serious people are being censored entirely, instead of trying to make them more accessible to folks without compromising the integrity of the site.
 
Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
I definitely need to burn that picture... and the notes... well the picture. I made a promise with that.
 
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Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
5,903
I mean not saying they'd even say why... but you'd probably have to PM a mod and ask for the exact reason. But they may say they can't say, hard to tell. But if you really want to know for certain :)
Oh ok
 
BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
yeah, i guess so. We arent allowed to link directly to domains (which i understand) but onion links (there was only one mentioned - as far as i can tell) aren't even accessible by most people or crawlable.

One of the threads had no mention of where to go. Just some great basic info on a drug and how it interacts with a body, and the precautions one can take in trying to procure it (without mentioning where!).
Don't know anything about that, but I am enjoying the cannabis thread you started. Particularly since I know almost next to nothing about it. It's funny because I've been around people who smoked it my whole life, But I've never smoked it or done it in any other form. I Know basically what it's supposed to do you and how it's supposed to make you feel, and I've heard long lists of ailments and health issues that it is supposed to relieve. Just don't know what the hell the US government is doing waiting so long to make it legal nationally.
 
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Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
Get rid of every memento, FFS!
Well the picture was more of a promise that no one would ever see it, it'd be over my dead body / I'd take it to the grave. As it's a printed copy (crappy copy--20 yrs old, from a scan of a poloroid because that's the way it was done then lol), but still... going to wait until I *know* just for a sentimental sake for now.
Don't know anything about that, but I am enjoying the cannabis thread you started. Particularly since I know almost next to nothing about it. It's funny because I've been around people who smoked it my whole life, But I've never smoked it or done it in any other form. I Know basically what it's supposed to do you and how it's supposed to make you feel, and I've heard long lists of ailments and health issues that it is supposed to relieve. Just don't know what the hell the US government is doing waiting so long to make it legal nationally.
Apparently it was used for discriminatory reasons over the years (as the govt always knew it was harmless), but since it grew, people used it, and it was harmless, it was easy to use to knock down groups the govt didn't like.... really screwed up crap honestly.
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
I do not feel they are obligated to give me a response or anything of the sort, by the dictates of this forum and its general structure.

I am just pained that useful resources for serious people are being censored entirely, instead of trying to make them more accessible to folks without compromising the integrity of the site.
I suppose the mods have a fine line to walk between what content they allow on the site and keeping the site safe from those who would just love to have any excuse possible to shut it down. I understand your point though.
Well the picture was more of a promise that no one would ever see it, it'd be over my dead body / I'd take it to the grave. As it's a printed copy (crappy copy--20 yrs old, from a scan of a poloroid because that's the way it was done then lol), but still... going to wait until I *know* just for a sentimental sake for now.

Apparently it was used for discriminatory reasons over the years (as the govt always knew it was harmless), but since it grew, people used it, and it was harmless, it was easy to use to knock down groups the govt didn't like.... really screwed up crap honestly.
Yeah, that's why they were putting out films like Reefer Madness and trying to make people think it would make them go crazy and commit murder and suicide. Then people started actually using it and realized that was all a bunch of BS. Actually I don't trust the government's opinion on any drug anymore, or much of anything else for that matter. I think most of what they do is based on giving themselves power. It has nothing to do with protecting the people. . . . . more like controlling the people.
 
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Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
4,005
I do not feel they are obligated to give me a response or anything of the sort, by the dictates of this forum and its general structure.

I am just pained that useful resources for serious people are being censored entirely, instead of trying to make them more accessible to folks without compromising the integrity of the site.

They can always just answer questions in general though to make sure you don't violate any rules :)

But yeah, I think... others can totally correct this as they know more... that they may treat resources differently somehow? Or they have to be phrased carefully or something perhaps? hard to tell.
 
B

Backwood_tilt

UnEnlightened
Dec 27, 2019
889
Well the picture was more of a promise that no one would ever see it, it'd be over my dead body / I'd take it to the grave. As it's a printed copy (crappy copy--20 yrs old, from a scan of a poloroid because that's the way it was done then lol), but still... going to wait until I *know* just for a sentimental sake for now.

I understand. i got rid of everything but one photo of my ex, that i intend to look at right before i CTB.

I suppose the mods have a fine line to walk between what content they allow on the site and keeping the site safe from those who would just love to have any excuse possible to shut it down. I understand your point though.

I'm just in my feelings cause i'm having trouble securing a nitrogen tank, and the dark net might be my next best way to secure a way out. SN just doesn't appeal to me, and im not sure i'd have a good chance securing antiemetics, etc.
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
I understand. i got rid of everything but one photo of my ex, that i intend to look at right before i CTB.



I'm just in my feelings cause i'm having trouble securing a nitrogen tank, and the dark net might be my next best way to secure a way out. SN just doesn't appeal to me, and im not sure i'd have a good chance securing antiemetics, etc.
Is there anyone on the site you could PM about it? I know absolutely nothing about the darknet and so forth.
 
B

Backwood_tilt

UnEnlightened
Dec 27, 2019
889
Is there anyone on the site you could PM about it? I know absolutely nothing about the darknet and so forth.

Meh, we'll see. I've tried reaching out to a couple of folks but they have their own concerns about privacy.

I'm committed to CTB so its juts a matter of obstacles to overcome. Nothing can stop me!
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
I'm not sure which thread you were referring to above, but the "F and the Dark Market" Megathread is still up. I just saw it a second ago. It's just way down the page, it may be on the second page by now. You may have to click a few times to get to it.
 
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