There are two anecdotes I have with this title.
The first one is an example from German politics. Markus Söder a very popular conservative politician once agitated against unemployed people.
He said: "Wenn einer nicht arbeiten will - gerne. Wenn einer gern in der Tonne liegt und Diogenes spielt - gerne. Aber wenn einer Geld bekommt von anderen und die, die es bezahlen, nicht mal mehr erwarten dürfen, dass er sich bemüht, dann ist das der falsche Weg." which means translated: "If someone doesn't want to work—fine. If someone likes lying in a barrel and playing Diogenes—fine. But if someone receives money from others, and those paying can't even expect him to make an effort, then that is the wrong approach."
www.sueddeutsche.de
You know this Diogenes comparison stuck with me. He depicts it like suffering in poverty and being homeless is in some form a byproduct of a hedonistic lifestyle. And I think Markus Söder is smart to know that that's not really accurate. For me it reads like homeless was a choice. And that's cynical. But he also portrays it like the people on the bottom of society would sort of enjoy the circumstances they have to live in. Actually, I think one reason why this is cynical. I think in Germany some homeless people are homeless because they don't want to state having to finance them. Some are too proud for receiving financial benefits.
But I digress.
As a teenager I could talk with no one about my suicidality. I was passively suicidal and suffered in silence. But I noticed that my take on suicide was quite different to the takes I listened to in media. I can remember a debate in religion class where I Impressed my pro-life teacher with a sophisticated pro-choice stance. It was one of my first intellectual moments in life. I suffered a lot with 15 watched gore and had no ways to cope. When I heard suicide stories on the news. I am not sure whether I was envious of them but I was not only sad when I heard the news. I also thought at least their pain is over and I wish my pain was over too. And I think being in my own head all the time and suffering more and more through-out the years I ended up with weird conclusions. And one conclusion was people who die are the winners of life because they left the hamster wheel. And I think this thought was sort of distorted. Maybe similar distorted as my thoughts that women would have been interested in me at that age.
I think I had a weird notion of suicide at that age. I fantasized a lot about suicide but I was always so distant. I thought if one horrible thing happens I will immediately quit this life. Then my psychotic episode happened and well this was a really bad event. The aftermath made me really suicidal. But I think when the event was distant my teenage me had a pretty naive idea of suicide. Personally, I think committing suicide is in most cases accompanied by a lot of pain. There is nothing easy or cool about it. And I think people who consider suicide as cool have gone down the wrong rabbit hole. I think most people who committed suicide were going through horrible stuff years after years. They tried so much in order to improve. But eventually they could not cope anymore. For me these cases are tragedies. And suicide isn't something that should be chosen lightly. I have the feeling when I grew older I realized which pain approaching suicide really was. That it is often a long struggle with ambivalences and pro and cons considerations. People can go through so much in a life. There not really a maximum of pain.
Personally, where I disagree with most pro-mortalists. Maybe it would be good to never been born. But the moment you gain consciousness you have to make the best out of the cards you have been dealt. And for most people that certainly doesn't mean committing suicide. The most hardcore pro-mortalists would say I really heard these arguments. For everyone, in every situation committing suicide was the best option. And this is really insane. Committing suicide comes usually with a lot of pain and severe struggle. I don't think there are many cases where it is only a philosophical action separated from one's own suffering. I would prefer a normal happy life. And I think once you are alive trying to make the best out of it seems to be a healthy attitude. This doesn't mean be hedonistic as you want. But there is no need having to face these really existential and painful questions if there would be better options for you. And you should really think it through whether that's the best for you. Society would obviously also collapse if most people adapted to such an attitude. And there would be parts of the society fighting against this belief. Personally, I heard somewhat convincing arguments in favor of shrinking the human population. But with that I mean regulating birth rates and certainly not mass suicides. I think the impact on human life was devastating if pro-mortalism was actually really popular. Though, I have to say I think the pro-choice approach will increase in popularity significantly in the future. For example that at old age or when experiencing severe illnesses that assisted suicide is a valid choice. I also think that the stigmatization of the topic suicide done by the media and churches won't be successful forever. Maybe politically is looks like regressive forces currently hold on power. But there will also be countermovements.
There is one thing though. I think the experience of a life full of pain also has something most healthy people miss out on. I was faced with very serious thoughts at a very young age. And in some ways the things that happened on me left scars and I adapted to negative pattern of behaviors. But in some ways I became also more empathetic. The problem probably is that my resources are very limitied due to my fight for survival. And I don't give back much to society. But honestly I think without my life becoming so difficult I would have never met all the beautiful souls I met on here. When I was a teenager I was a careerist. I never was able to take a break or really think what I actually wanted from life. My thought was I just want to follow the script. And I think following the scripts is way too often done without own contemplation. I thought okay I see I am not smart enough to reach my goals I will probably end up in a mediocre office job envious of the car of my boss, having insecurities about it. But I will have a wife and a child and then my child has to carry on with my project. And I think such an approach often backfires. Wanting to have children as instrument to reach something isn't good. My mom had this attitude when abusing me and look in which hell hole I am now in. I think my parents didn't have the requirement to be good parents. And I think I wouldn't have learned from their mistakes if my life didn't collapse. I would have done similar mistakes than them maybe (?). Personally, I see this in my autism self-help group and with my dad. These autistic fathers are very emotionally distant to their children, they love them but they cannot really show it. They try to be good parents. I think though at least my dad he simply wasn't equipped to be a good dad. Just as me. But I realized it prior to making the wrong decisions. So I will hopefully spare my hypothetical children a lot of pain. With my genes and all the traumatas I experienced I think it would feel like a crime to me to bring children into this existence.
It is hard to imagine how my life would have looked like if I never would have been abused or never developed a psychosis. But honestly bullying is so common and I already was autistic. I think realizing I was autistic from the start was relieving. All men in the family of my dad have depression. And I think life would have been hard anyway with autism and depression. I think I had a preoccuption with being unhappy even as young child. Maybe it would not have been as extreme as today. But if I followed the plot my life could be more empty. I have the feeling I have good real connections to people. As teenager I thought I have to leave my friend group because they were an obstacle to my career. Which was a really crazy thought. I even told them that after my psychosis. And I think my friends are the biggest gift in my life. And honestly I think I am way better in posting deep talk on Sanctioned Suicide than writing for a newspaper about politics. My analysis on social issues are too superifical. I have way more ideas in a community full of fellow sufferers. It is also a gift that I can share my story with so many people. When I talked with other people that I frequently write with people from all over the world they were sort of impressed and wanted to know how these Americans are alike (for example lol)
On the other hand I think my life won't end good in the longrun. And probably all of this is no compensation, in some ways it is copium and rationalization of pain. One last thing to add. Before something traumatic happened at the age of 14 which probably triggered a mixed manic-depressive episode I was a completely different person. I am not sure whether I would have turned out like my dad. He is like really ignorant and cynical when it comes to world affairs. When I was a kid he joked about the suicide of German goal keeper in front of me. My dad is not totally horrible I have to emphasize that. But I have parts of my personality that make me sort ignorant. I think for this is especially true for education and my approach to science and knowledge. But I don't talk badly about migrants, women and I also would intervene if my children sufferred from domestic violence. I hope the pain I experienced made me at least on certain issues a better person. On some it might also have a bad impact though...maybe...bitterness and resentment you know....
The first one is an example from German politics. Markus Söder a very popular conservative politician once agitated against unemployed people.
He said: "Wenn einer nicht arbeiten will - gerne. Wenn einer gern in der Tonne liegt und Diogenes spielt - gerne. Aber wenn einer Geld bekommt von anderen und die, die es bezahlen, nicht mal mehr erwarten dürfen, dass er sich bemüht, dann ist das der falsche Weg." which means translated: "If someone doesn't want to work—fine. If someone likes lying in a barrel and playing Diogenes—fine. But if someone receives money from others, and those paying can't even expect him to make an effort, then that is the wrong approach."
Söders Hartz-IV-Äußerungen sind schwer erträglich
Bayerns Ministerpräsident diffamiert in seiner Bierzelt-Rede am Gillamoos Arbeitslose – und stempelt Millionen Menschen als faul ab.
www.sueddeutsche.de
You know this Diogenes comparison stuck with me. He depicts it like suffering in poverty and being homeless is in some form a byproduct of a hedonistic lifestyle. And I think Markus Söder is smart to know that that's not really accurate. For me it reads like homeless was a choice. And that's cynical. But he also portrays it like the people on the bottom of society would sort of enjoy the circumstances they have to live in. Actually, I think one reason why this is cynical. I think in Germany some homeless people are homeless because they don't want to state having to finance them. Some are too proud for receiving financial benefits.
But I digress.
As a teenager I could talk with no one about my suicidality. I was passively suicidal and suffered in silence. But I noticed that my take on suicide was quite different to the takes I listened to in media. I can remember a debate in religion class where I Impressed my pro-life teacher with a sophisticated pro-choice stance. It was one of my first intellectual moments in life. I suffered a lot with 15 watched gore and had no ways to cope. When I heard suicide stories on the news. I am not sure whether I was envious of them but I was not only sad when I heard the news. I also thought at least their pain is over and I wish my pain was over too. And I think being in my own head all the time and suffering more and more through-out the years I ended up with weird conclusions. And one conclusion was people who die are the winners of life because they left the hamster wheel. And I think this thought was sort of distorted. Maybe similar distorted as my thoughts that women would have been interested in me at that age.
I think I had a weird notion of suicide at that age. I fantasized a lot about suicide but I was always so distant. I thought if one horrible thing happens I will immediately quit this life. Then my psychotic episode happened and well this was a really bad event. The aftermath made me really suicidal. But I think when the event was distant my teenage me had a pretty naive idea of suicide. Personally, I think committing suicide is in most cases accompanied by a lot of pain. There is nothing easy or cool about it. And I think people who consider suicide as cool have gone down the wrong rabbit hole. I think most people who committed suicide were going through horrible stuff years after years. They tried so much in order to improve. But eventually they could not cope anymore. For me these cases are tragedies. And suicide isn't something that should be chosen lightly. I have the feeling when I grew older I realized which pain approaching suicide really was. That it is often a long struggle with ambivalences and pro and cons considerations. People can go through so much in a life. There not really a maximum of pain.
Personally, where I disagree with most pro-mortalists. Maybe it would be good to never been born. But the moment you gain consciousness you have to make the best out of the cards you have been dealt. And for most people that certainly doesn't mean committing suicide. The most hardcore pro-mortalists would say I really heard these arguments. For everyone, in every situation committing suicide was the best option. And this is really insane. Committing suicide comes usually with a lot of pain and severe struggle. I don't think there are many cases where it is only a philosophical action separated from one's own suffering. I would prefer a normal happy life. And I think once you are alive trying to make the best out of it seems to be a healthy attitude. This doesn't mean be hedonistic as you want. But there is no need having to face these really existential and painful questions if there would be better options for you. And you should really think it through whether that's the best for you. Society would obviously also collapse if most people adapted to such an attitude. And there would be parts of the society fighting against this belief. Personally, I heard somewhat convincing arguments in favor of shrinking the human population. But with that I mean regulating birth rates and certainly not mass suicides. I think the impact on human life was devastating if pro-mortalism was actually really popular. Though, I have to say I think the pro-choice approach will increase in popularity significantly in the future. For example that at old age or when experiencing severe illnesses that assisted suicide is a valid choice. I also think that the stigmatization of the topic suicide done by the media and churches won't be successful forever. Maybe politically is looks like regressive forces currently hold on power. But there will also be countermovements.
There is one thing though. I think the experience of a life full of pain also has something most healthy people miss out on. I was faced with very serious thoughts at a very young age. And in some ways the things that happened on me left scars and I adapted to negative pattern of behaviors. But in some ways I became also more empathetic. The problem probably is that my resources are very limitied due to my fight for survival. And I don't give back much to society. But honestly I think without my life becoming so difficult I would have never met all the beautiful souls I met on here. When I was a teenager I was a careerist. I never was able to take a break or really think what I actually wanted from life. My thought was I just want to follow the script. And I think following the scripts is way too often done without own contemplation. I thought okay I see I am not smart enough to reach my goals I will probably end up in a mediocre office job envious of the car of my boss, having insecurities about it. But I will have a wife and a child and then my child has to carry on with my project. And I think such an approach often backfires. Wanting to have children as instrument to reach something isn't good. My mom had this attitude when abusing me and look in which hell hole I am now in. I think my parents didn't have the requirement to be good parents. And I think I wouldn't have learned from their mistakes if my life didn't collapse. I would have done similar mistakes than them maybe (?). Personally, I see this in my autism self-help group and with my dad. These autistic fathers are very emotionally distant to their children, they love them but they cannot really show it. They try to be good parents. I think though at least my dad he simply wasn't equipped to be a good dad. Just as me. But I realized it prior to making the wrong decisions. So I will hopefully spare my hypothetical children a lot of pain. With my genes and all the traumatas I experienced I think it would feel like a crime to me to bring children into this existence.
It is hard to imagine how my life would have looked like if I never would have been abused or never developed a psychosis. But honestly bullying is so common and I already was autistic. I think realizing I was autistic from the start was relieving. All men in the family of my dad have depression. And I think life would have been hard anyway with autism and depression. I think I had a preoccuption with being unhappy even as young child. Maybe it would not have been as extreme as today. But if I followed the plot my life could be more empty. I have the feeling I have good real connections to people. As teenager I thought I have to leave my friend group because they were an obstacle to my career. Which was a really crazy thought. I even told them that after my psychosis. And I think my friends are the biggest gift in my life. And honestly I think I am way better in posting deep talk on Sanctioned Suicide than writing for a newspaper about politics. My analysis on social issues are too superifical. I have way more ideas in a community full of fellow sufferers. It is also a gift that I can share my story with so many people. When I talked with other people that I frequently write with people from all over the world they were sort of impressed and wanted to know how these Americans are alike (for example lol)
On the other hand I think my life won't end good in the longrun. And probably all of this is no compensation, in some ways it is copium and rationalization of pain. One last thing to add. Before something traumatic happened at the age of 14 which probably triggered a mixed manic-depressive episode I was a completely different person. I am not sure whether I would have turned out like my dad. He is like really ignorant and cynical when it comes to world affairs. When I was a kid he joked about the suicide of German goal keeper in front of me. My dad is not totally horrible I have to emphasize that. But I have parts of my personality that make me sort ignorant. I think for this is especially true for education and my approach to science and knowledge. But I don't talk badly about migrants, women and I also would intervene if my children sufferred from domestic violence. I hope the pain I experienced made me at least on certain issues a better person. On some it might also have a bad impact though...maybe...bitterness and resentment you know....
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