Venting the need to be loved

[aeri]

hi, everyone.

i feel so hurt. so sad. so desperate.

i just wanna be loved. the lack of care and attention is currently my main reason of wanting to ctb. i know it's pathetic i would never deny it. i know how stupid i am. it's ok

i cant help but avoid everyone. it's my fault and i know it! i do everything i can to change, im invested in therapy, i try to change, i do everything im told. but still, im hurting. i feel so alone. i wanna be cared for.

i want to stop avoiding people. i want secure and healthy friendships. i want to be happy. i deeply hate myself. i think i should die. i cant be normal

 

[Pg.964]

This sounds a lot like what I go through with borderline. I hope that some of that weight is lifted off of you. Best wishes.

 

[aeri]

This sounds a lot like what I go through with borderline. I hope that some of that weight is lifted off of you. Best wishes.

thank you yes for me as well it's because of bpd. bipolar and autism as well, but mainly bpd. what a combo, and im expected to be ok

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

People make it seem like it's so easy to change but it's really not. After a lifetime of living like this I don't know how to change and honestly don't want to either.

 

[aeri]

(more vent)

i just dont know what to fuckin do. im considered very functional despite everything because yeah i am able to live. im kinda independent and im not a threat to the others. only myself. there are, apparently, few things i do that are very healthy
but still it hurts. everything hurts. listening to my needs hurts. trying to change hurts. obviously i wont be loved and cared for if i dont allow myself to have friends. but it's like i cant control it. obviously i can since no one is holding a gun at my head. it's my sole fault, like being a victim of csa was.
i just wish i was loved. cared for. taken care of. pampered.

People make it seem like it's so easy to change but it's really not. After a lifetime of living like this I don't know how to change and honestly don't want to either.

for real. always '' go to therapy'' or if you want it then you do it. there' s a part of truth but pain is never acknowledged
(more venting)

i feel like a poor little girl. all alone. i should have been protected and loved. even now, i should be way way more cared for. but that's how it is and it's my fault if i cant love myself

 

[Mirrory Me]

i feel like a poor little girl. all alone. i should have been protected and loved. even now, i should be way way more cared for. but that's how it is and it's my fault if i cant love myself

Have you tried, for example, having a friendly and understanding dialogue with yourself? The relationship with yourself is also important.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

(more vent)

i just dont know what to fuckin do. im considered very functional despite everything because yeah i am able to live. im kinda independent and im not a threat to the others. only myself. there are, apparently, few things i do that are very healthy
but still it hurts. everything hurts. listening to my needs hurts. trying to change hurts. obviously i wont be loved and cared for if i dont allow myself to have friends. but it's like i cant control it. obviously i can since no one is holding a gun at my head. it's my sole fault, like being a victim of csa was.
i just wish i was loved. cared for. taken care of. pampered.

for real. always '' go to therapy'' or if you want it then you do it. there' s a part of truth but pain is never acknowledged
(more venting)

i feel like a poor little girl. all alone. i should have been protected and loved. even now, i should be way way more cared for. but that's how it is and it's my fault if i cant love myself

Everything you said is just too relatable. You've explained a lot of how I also feel very well.

 

[aeri]

Have you tried, for example, having a friendly and understanding dialogue with yourself? The relationship with yourself is also important.

yeah everyone is telling me i should so i try but i always feel dumb lmao. it doesn't feel right to do so, but im trying

Everything you said is just too relatable. You've explained a lot of how I also feel very well.

im sorry you can relate lots of love

 

[Mirrory Me]

yeah everyone is telling me i should so i try but i always feel dumb lmao. it doesn't feel right to do so, but im trying

It's what can help in general, and it can become more interesting the more you learn about it, for example I've used this knowledge to improve myself:

 

[aeri]

more venting, didn't want to create a new topic

it's the 6th anniversary of my first suicide attempt in few days. nothing changed. im as avoidant as i used to be, not able to maintain my friendships, everything. i wish i had died. i hate myself for what i let myself become. everytime i attempted or thought of it, i should have done it. it's ok. i can still do it. that's what i say that's not what i do. im terribly stupid