witchcraft
it's too painful to live but I'm too afraid to die
- Nov 27, 2024
- 192
tl;dr Why can't I want to do certain things? Why can I only want to want to do them? Life would be so much easier if there was nothing I had to do, because I always wanted to do those things anyway. Still waiting for "taking on responsibility" to cure me from suicidal ideation. Thanks.
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Back in the days when I would try to find some sort of answer in the cesspit of reddit, I constantly came across this regurgitated piece of supposed wisdom. Something like, "Life isn't about being happy, it's about fulfillment and purpose."
Well, years later and I still don't understand. I rode this grifter train for a while and it never fulfilled its pro-life promise. In fact, it went in a giant circle, returning to where I started but leaving me with more disappointment and a greater desire to CTB.
So is all this fulfillment, purpose stuff just bullshit? Am I doing it wrong? Is this C-PTSD, is this what arrested development is like? Is it ADHD?
I don't understand. So many people in these self-help circlejerks on reddit and elsewhere are adamant that the solution to depression is taking on responsibility. Communities of people praising stoicism or religion but all I see are deluded fanatics, to the point that I cannot help but conclude the secret to happiness is a strong delusion, not much different to how I was happy in childhood because of ignorance or straight-up naivety. I also cannot help but think that in order to maintain this illusion, they congregate in these online echo chambers.
Being a teacher is seemingly one of the biggest responsibilities. Speaking from experience, even though I was only an intern for 6 months and have since graduated from university with an education degree I'll never use.
Yet did all that heavy, "noble" responsibility make me happy? Fulfilled? Content? No. I hated teaching. It made me drink myself to sleep every night. I cried at the thought of this being my life for possibly the next 50 or so years. Not because anything was wrong with the kids, either. It's simply the fact that all of that responsibility is just stress. I thought there was supposed to be a shining golden city of purpose, but all I got was an unbelievable amount of dread. I thought it was supposed to be oh-so-fulfilling, and instead the best I got was relief when it was finally over and I realized I never had to go there again.
But I thought that being important, doing something important, is the magical cure? That's what the enlightened redditors preach. Isn't making yourself important the thing that makes life worth living? It had the opposite effect. If you go to these shitholes on reddit, these holier than thou stoic / self-help communities, they will suddenly turn very cruel when questioning them or criticizing their worldview—even in good faith. I've experienced it all first-hand: accusations that you weren't actually trying, people sifting through your post history to dig up "dirt" on you and exposing it more publicly, people treating the sharing of your struggles as an opportunity to humble-brag about how great their life is, the passive aggressiveness, and so much more. What a steaming pile of hypocritical dogshit.
Speaking of dogs, these people will often cite taking care of their dog as a responsibility. This is anathema to me. If you love your dog, you probably don't often view it as a responsibility. Speaking for myself anyway, the more I were to view a pet as a responsibility, the more I would come to loathe the pet. A responsibility is not something I want to do. I do not want responsibilities. That's like saying I want chores, I want mandatory overtime and/or unpaid overtime.
Of course you ideally want to be a responsible dog owner, especially if you love your pet. I've never had a dog because our landlord has never allowed them where I live with my parent, but I've been around dogs my whole life, from cousins to school friends and roommates in college. Yes, you have to take them outside so they can relieve themselves. And yes, you technically have to play with them, but that's just the thing. That phrase. "Have to." Never have I ever referred to a responsibility as something I want to do. Even if I logically understand that not taking the dog outside means it will piss itself all over the carpet, there is something dysfunctional with my brain, because I do not then conclude "I want to take the dog outside." No, I have to. I will always have to, regardless if I understand the consequences of not taking the dog outside.
If playing with my dog is not something I want to do at least on ~90% of days, then I will simply not own a dog. Because otherwise I will become annoyed with the dog, and that is unfair to the dog who did not ask for me to be its guardian. I can handle a few have-to's if there are like 4-5x as want want-to's. This might be the case if I were to theoretically own a dog, but it is not the case with my life in general.
I don't know. I didn't intend to vent about pets. It was just supposed to be an example. Similarly, I've never wanted to help my dad. I don't know if I'm a bad person or what, but it's been that way for two decades. Every time my dad needs my help, I can only do so out of a sense of obligation. I do it with a quiet resentment. Because sadly I do not want to help my dad. At best, I want to want to help my dad. Does that make sense? Like, I wish I were the kid who wants to help their dad. My dad by comparison, by my estimation, is not a bad dad. I can hear the patronizing or downright infantilizing reddit comments now, such as: have you practiced gratitude and thought of all the good things your dad has done for you? Yes, genuinely, and none of that has changed how every time he needs my help, it feels like a burden.
Responsibility has rarely led to fulfillment. Fulfillment is just as fleeting as happiness. Responsibility, fulfillment, neither are substitutes for happiness.
There are too many have-to's in life, not enough want-to's. The balance is completely fucking off.
After all this crap, I am confusion. I am suicide.
---
Back in the days when I would try to find some sort of answer in the cesspit of reddit, I constantly came across this regurgitated piece of supposed wisdom. Something like, "Life isn't about being happy, it's about fulfillment and purpose."
Well, years later and I still don't understand. I rode this grifter train for a while and it never fulfilled its pro-life promise. In fact, it went in a giant circle, returning to where I started but leaving me with more disappointment and a greater desire to CTB.
So is all this fulfillment, purpose stuff just bullshit? Am I doing it wrong? Is this C-PTSD, is this what arrested development is like? Is it ADHD?
I don't understand. So many people in these self-help circlejerks on reddit and elsewhere are adamant that the solution to depression is taking on responsibility. Communities of people praising stoicism or religion but all I see are deluded fanatics, to the point that I cannot help but conclude the secret to happiness is a strong delusion, not much different to how I was happy in childhood because of ignorance or straight-up naivety. I also cannot help but think that in order to maintain this illusion, they congregate in these online echo chambers.
Being a teacher is seemingly one of the biggest responsibilities. Speaking from experience, even though I was only an intern for 6 months and have since graduated from university with an education degree I'll never use.
Yet did all that heavy, "noble" responsibility make me happy? Fulfilled? Content? No. I hated teaching. It made me drink myself to sleep every night. I cried at the thought of this being my life for possibly the next 50 or so years. Not because anything was wrong with the kids, either. It's simply the fact that all of that responsibility is just stress. I thought there was supposed to be a shining golden city of purpose, but all I got was an unbelievable amount of dread. I thought it was supposed to be oh-so-fulfilling, and instead the best I got was relief when it was finally over and I realized I never had to go there again.
But I thought that being important, doing something important, is the magical cure? That's what the enlightened redditors preach. Isn't making yourself important the thing that makes life worth living? It had the opposite effect. If you go to these shitholes on reddit, these holier than thou stoic / self-help communities, they will suddenly turn very cruel when questioning them or criticizing their worldview—even in good faith. I've experienced it all first-hand: accusations that you weren't actually trying, people sifting through your post history to dig up "dirt" on you and exposing it more publicly, people treating the sharing of your struggles as an opportunity to humble-brag about how great their life is, the passive aggressiveness, and so much more. What a steaming pile of hypocritical dogshit.
Speaking of dogs, these people will often cite taking care of their dog as a responsibility. This is anathema to me. If you love your dog, you probably don't often view it as a responsibility. Speaking for myself anyway, the more I were to view a pet as a responsibility, the more I would come to loathe the pet. A responsibility is not something I want to do. I do not want responsibilities. That's like saying I want chores, I want mandatory overtime and/or unpaid overtime.
Of course you ideally want to be a responsible dog owner, especially if you love your pet. I've never had a dog because our landlord has never allowed them where I live with my parent, but I've been around dogs my whole life, from cousins to school friends and roommates in college. Yes, you have to take them outside so they can relieve themselves. And yes, you technically have to play with them, but that's just the thing. That phrase. "Have to." Never have I ever referred to a responsibility as something I want to do. Even if I logically understand that not taking the dog outside means it will piss itself all over the carpet, there is something dysfunctional with my brain, because I do not then conclude "I want to take the dog outside." No, I have to. I will always have to, regardless if I understand the consequences of not taking the dog outside.
If playing with my dog is not something I want to do at least on ~90% of days, then I will simply not own a dog. Because otherwise I will become annoyed with the dog, and that is unfair to the dog who did not ask for me to be its guardian. I can handle a few have-to's if there are like 4-5x as want want-to's. This might be the case if I were to theoretically own a dog, but it is not the case with my life in general.
I don't know. I didn't intend to vent about pets. It was just supposed to be an example. Similarly, I've never wanted to help my dad. I don't know if I'm a bad person or what, but it's been that way for two decades. Every time my dad needs my help, I can only do so out of a sense of obligation. I do it with a quiet resentment. Because sadly I do not want to help my dad. At best, I want to want to help my dad. Does that make sense? Like, I wish I were the kid who wants to help their dad. My dad by comparison, by my estimation, is not a bad dad. I can hear the patronizing or downright infantilizing reddit comments now, such as: have you practiced gratitude and thought of all the good things your dad has done for you? Yes, genuinely, and none of that has changed how every time he needs my help, it feels like a burden.
Responsibility has rarely led to fulfillment. Fulfillment is just as fleeting as happiness. Responsibility, fulfillment, neither are substitutes for happiness.
There are too many have-to's in life, not enough want-to's. The balance is completely fucking off.
After all this crap, I am confusion. I am suicide.
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